


Vanilla

by catiemo



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-13
Updated: 2015-04-08
Packaged: 2018-01-24 15:21:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 37
Words: 45,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1609889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catiemo/pseuds/catiemo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and Cas both want more adventurous sex but neither wants to push the other away for it.</p><p>based on a string of posts that Eddi posted/ reblogged on Tumblr (which she doesn't remember, but still)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jensenacklesruinedmylife](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jensenacklesruinedmylife/gifts).



            It wasn’t an easy decision for Cas to move to a whole other state, but he felt like he had to. He needed a change, and a location change was as good as any. Hael had all but kicked him out anyway and this opportunity presented itself at just the right time. He easily found a job in Sioux Falls and gave his notice at his current job. All in all, the process took three weeks and he didn’t even think about how strange it was to pick a new town based on the fact that their church needed a new (unpaid) pianist.

            He didn’t have much packing to do as most of his stuff was still in boxes in a storage unit. He loaded up his car, shoving his suitcase in last. He left at five am simply because he could. He arrived late in the afternoon and checked into a hotel for the night, planning to meet with his new landlord the next day to get the keys.

            He moved in on Monday, and by Wednesday night he was already accompanying the church choir at their rehearsal. The director, Becky, seemed a bit too energetic for Cas’s personal taste, but that could have just been because he hadn’t been around many people for the past few months.

            When the practice ended, Becky caught him as he was packing up his things at the piano. “Thank you for coming on such short notice,” she said, “I know you’re still getting settled, so this means a lot.”

            “It’s nothing,” Cas said, “I’m just about unpacked anyway.”

            “It’s so nice to have someone else play,” she said, “I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the greatest pianist.”

            “Me either,” Cas said, “but I’m glad to be of service. I’ve always loved playing piano and I’m happy to be doing it here.”

            “Well, thanks again,” Becky said, “I suppose I’ll let you get home.”

            “Have a good night,” Cas said, beginning to walk out of the church, “I’ll see you Sunday.”

            “That you will,” Becky chuckled, “take it easy.”

            “You too,” Cas said.

 

            The first thing Dean noticed when he walked into church on Sunday was the new pianist. He was gorgeous. He shook his head as he sat in his usual pew, waiting for Ellen, Bobby and Jo to show up to fill it out. Church was not the place to be having these thoughts.

            His eyes kept flashing up to the baby grand tucked away in the corner near the choir benches and he regretted coming early. There was something about the concentration on the man’s face and the way his hand seemed to flow over the keys that captivated Dean.

            Bobby and his relatively new family arrived and Dean wished not for the first time that Sam wasn’t off at school and he could have his whole family here. “Whatchya lookin’ at?” Jo asked in a whisper as she slid into the pew.

            “Nothing,” Dean said defensively, pulling his attention from the piano.

            “He’s cute,” Jo said, reading Dean like an open book, “and word from Naomi is he’s gay.”

            Dean just stared at Jo but didn’t say anything. He had long ago accepted her place in the St. Joseph’s gossip chain, usually right after the aforementioned religious ed organizer. “I’ll introduce you after the service,” she promised before grabbing a hymnal.

 

            The service was a fairly typical one for Pastor Zach and soon enough, Dean found himself being dragged bodily through the vestibule to track down the pianist. “Jo, will you slow down,” Dean asked, “I doubt he’s going anywhere.” Jo just huffed and continued to lead him along.

            As it turns out, Dean was right. When they finally reached the guy, he was surrounded by about a fourth of the congregation who were adamantly praising his skills.

            “Simply beautiful playing,” Mr. Milton was saying, his daughter Anna nodding in agreement. There were many handshakes and a hug from Becky, the choir director, who thanked him (apparently again) for being so accommodating to their rehearsal schedule.

            “Of course, Ms. Rosen,” the man said, awkwardly patting her on the back.

            When the rest of the mob had cleared, Jo pulled him closer and introduced herself. “I’m Jo Harvelle and this is Dean Winchester.”

            “It’s very nice to meet you both,” the other man said, “I’m Castiel.” He shook hands with each of them and when he met Dean’s eyes, there was a hint of a smile that Dean passed off as being polite.

            “You play beautifully,” Dean said.

            “Thank you, Dean,” Castiel said, all modesty.

            “It was nice meeting you,” Jo said, “but my mom and Bobby are waiting for me. I’ll see you for dinner, Dean?”

            “Yup, as long as your mom’s the one cooking,” Dean laughed.

            Jo laughed as well and waved goodbye and suddenly it was just Castiel standing next to Dean. “What made you choose St. Joe’s?” Dean asked.

            “I was actually the musical director at the sister church in Illinois,” Castiel explained, “So when I made the move, it was an easy choice.”

            “In that case, why’d you move here?” Dean asked, genuinely curious.

            “I…I had a bad break up,” Cas admitted, “and I needed a new start. When I spoke to my pastor about it he informed me of the position here and suggested I might like South Dakota.”

            “And do you?” Dean asked.

            “So far, yes,” Castiel answered.

            “May I ask what you do for a living?”

            “I’m an accountant,” Castiel admitted almost grudgingly. “And you?”

            “Jo’s step-dad is practically family and I work in his garage,” Dean answered.

            “That’s nice,” Castiel smiled.

            “Yeah, it is,” Dean said, feeling the conversation start to drop.

            “Will I see you next week?” Castiel asked.

            “I’m here every Sunday,” Dean confirmed with a small smile, “although your fan club will also be here,” he warned.

            “I think I can handle them,” Cas smiled. “I’ll see you then.”

            “Yup,” Dean said before offering his hand. When the men parted, Dean had to stop himself from looking back because with the crowd mostly dispersed, Castiel would definitely have seen him.


	2. Chapter 2

            It turns out that Castiel didn’t have to wait a week to see Dean again. The two men ran into each other in the grocery store on Thursday. Castiel’s instinct told him to avoid the other man, but something caused him to walk down the aisle and say hi.

            “Hello, Dean,” he greeted the other man, who was placing a box of cereal in his basket.

            “Hey, Cas,” Dean said, not exactly intending for the nick name to slip out, but the other man didn’t seem to mind. “Fancy meeting you here.”

            Cas smiled, “buying for something specific?” he asked.

            “It’s my monthly Sunday dinner this week,” he explained, “and Jo insisted on chicken and rice.”

            “She seemed nice,” Cas said.

            “Yeah, she’s like a little sister to me, but she can also be a pain in the ass.”

            “That sounds like a sibling to me,” Cas laughed.

            “Do you have any?” Dean asked, continuing his shopping.

            “I have three older brothers,” Cas said. “I’m the youngest.”

            “I’ve just got one, but he’s off at school in California.”

            “That must be hard for you,” Cas said.

            “Of course I miss him,” Dean agreed, “do you miss your brothers?”

            “That’s…a long story,” Cas replied.

            “I didn’t mean to pry,” Dean said, “Sorry.”

            “No, it’s fine,” Cas assured him, “I just don’t really like to talk about it.”

            “That’s fine,” Dean said, clearing his throat, “You getting anything special?”

            “Just regular grocery stuff,” Cas said with a laugh, thankful for the change of subject.

            The two continued their shopping, talking about their weeks and their plans for the weekend. Cas was surprised at how natural it all was, but by the time they had made it to the checkout line, he realized that he had been smiling the whole time.

            “Well, it was nice running into you,” Dean said, “good luck with that meeting tomorrow.”

            “Thank you, Dean. I’ll see you on Sunday.”

            “Yes you will,” Dean said and headed toward his car. Cas smiled as he watched the other man cross the parking lot. He was glad that the initial attraction was leading to at least a pleasant friendship.

            Cas thought about it on the way home, how he hadn’t had much luck with relationships and wondering if he was emotionally ready to get back out there. He thought about his breakup with Crowley. They had been together for four years, lived together for two. Cas was ready to marry him.

            As he put the groceries away, he thought about the break up. It was the first one he had ever experienced and it left him feeling raw and vulnerable. He had been the one to call it quits, but that didn’t make it easier.

            When he left, he didn’t take much with him. He had to buy new furniture and dishes and bedding, basically just about everything a house needed. It still seemed odd to him; the new bed was too big, the secondhand sofa was worn in all the wrong places, and his perfectly matched dishes left the cupboards too empty. He knew he would grow into his house, that he would amass a collection of trinkets that wouldn’t fit on his bookshelf and new mugs that would look at home amongst the set of four he had bought, but he didn’t want to wait.

            He sighed as he settled onto the easy chair to watch some mindless TV and clear his mind. It was so easy to fall into depression when things got like this, but he did his best to keep himself busy, it seemed to help.

            The rest of the evening passed, Crowley still weighed on his mind, but not as heavily. He took his iPad to his room after dinner, convinced that a little self-administered therapy might do some good.

            Cas usually tried not to rely on porn, preferring his own imagination, but tonight his brain just wasn’t up to it. He stripped down and got himself settled at the head of the bed. He found his favorite site, clicked into the bondage section and scrolled until he found one that looked interesting.

            The video started, a man was stretched out on a bench, face down and ass in the air. Objectively, Cas could consider him attractive, but it wasn’t really about his appearance. Another man came in. He was over-muscled with short, dark hair, definitely not Cas’s type but he didn’t really care. He ran a finger over the other man’s hole and Cas shivered with him.

            Cas’s cock hardened as he watched the scene unfold. It was a fairly straight-forward situation; one man tied down, the other alternating between pleasuring him and making him provide the pleasure. There was a lot to be said for the classics, Cas decided.

            He stroked himself slowly until the video ended, still pretty far from release. He set the tablet aside and went to his closet to find a toy. He needed to feel full, so he took out his thickest dildo and returned to the bed.

            He licked the toy, flicking his tongue along the head before sliding it into his mouth. He moaned around it, drool dripping down his chin and all over the fake cock. He pulled off and took the lube from the night stand. He drizzled it over his fingers before rubbing them over his hole. He fell down on the mattress, his ass canting back toward the sensation.

            He teased himself for a while, just focusing on the sensations. When he finally slid a finger in, he let out another moan. He stretched himself thoroughly before holding the dildo straight up and sliding down onto it.

            He rode it for a while, the slight burn pushing out all other thoughts and feelings from his head. He stroked his cock, feeling his release nearing, but it never came. He grunted in frustration, but kept going. He was beginning to give up hope of cumming until a pair of green eyes flashed in his mind and he felt himself get a little closer.

            He knew it was wrong to think of Dean this way, especially when he didn’t even know the man’s orientation, but the more he kept going, the more he thought of Dean until, finally, he imagined his voice in his ear, commanding him to cum. _Let go, Cas._

Cas came hard, collapsing fully on the bed, the toy still buried deep inside him. He laid there panting, basking in the afterglow until his guilt caught up with him. Of all the things in his spank bank, he had to add Dean to it.

            He slid the dildo out of his hole and went to the en suite to clean it and himself up. He went to bed feeling guilty and empty. He wasn’t sure if that was better or worse than the almost crippling depression.


	3. Chapter 3

            When Sunday came, Dean tried not to get overly excited about seeing Castiel again. The other man was playing away when he arrived at the church (not too early, he tried to convince himself) and there was such a look of contented concentration on his face and Dean almost melted at how peaceful he looked.

            Jo slid into the pew next to him, nudging his side with her elbow. “Jody saw you and Castiel at the store on Thursday,” she whispered, “said you two looked rather chummy.”

            “We ran into each other and just started talking,” Dean said, “it’s no big deal.”

            “It’s a _very_ big deal,” Jo said, “Apparently he hasn’t made many friends yet. He seems to like you.”

            “Okay, so we’re becoming friends, people do that,” he said, trying not to get his hopes up.

            “Yeah, but you wanna be more, don’t you?” she asked.

            “Well yeah,” Dean admitted, “but I’m not going to act like I know he’s interested. Maybe he’s just being friendly.”

            “He’s not that ‘friendly’ with anyone else,” Jo pointed out, but their conversation was cut off by the change in music that cued the processional.

            When the service was over, Castiel was once again surrounded by a decent chunk of people and Dean patiently waited to speak with him.

            “Hello, Dean,” Cas greeted him as he approached.

            “Hey, Cas,” Dean said. “Beautiful service today.”

            “It was,” Cas said, “I’ve always loved ‘Abide With Me.’”

            “Me too,” Dean said, “It’s important to remember that we can ask God for help.”

            “Exactly,” Cas smiled and Dean thought he could get used to causing it.

            “Have any exciting plans for the rest of the day?” Dean asked.

            “I still have a few things to unpack,” Cas said, “and a few things to pick up for the house. You have your dinner, right?”

            “Yeah,” Dean said, pleasantly surprised that Cas had remembered, “Chicken and rice.”

            Cas laughed and the sound warmed Dean’s heart. “I’ll see you next week,” he said.

            “Yeah,” Dean agreed, shuffling awkwardly. He held out his hand and Cas surprised him by using it to pull him into a half-hug, patting his back twice and then stepping back. Dean just stared.

            “Sorry,” Cas said, “was that weird?”

            “No,” Dean rushed to assure him, “not at all, just unexpected.”

            “Okay,” Cas said, ducking his head in a futile attempt to hide the blush on his cheeks.

            “Well, I’ll see you,” Dean said, giving Cas an out. He left the church, smiling and thinking that maybe Cas _was_ interested in him that way.

            Dean’s elation didn’t last long, however. When he got home to his tiny apartment, he thought about what Cas had said about his breakup. He was sure that there was no way he would be ready to date yet if he moved a few states away to get away from it.

            He started making dinner, mostly as a distraction from the negative thoughts floating around his head. He had everything ready about an hour before he needed to put it in the oven, so he decided to bake a cake as well.

            He beat the cake mix and wet ingredients together, taking his frustration out on the clumps in the batter. He decided it would be best to treat Cas as a friend from now on and let Cas make any sort of romantic move. _It’s for the best_ he told himself.

            When the Singer-Harvelles arrived for dinner, the cake was frosted and there was about 12 minutes left on the timer for the chicken.

            “Smells good in here,” Ellen said, taking a dramatic sniff.

            “Yeah, not bad, Winchester,” Jo teased.

            Bobby simply muttered a gruff “hello,” before taking his usual seat on the recliner.

            Dean thought about these people that had always been his family. He remembered coming out to them and how easy it had been after coming out to his parents and Sam.

 

            _Sam was the first person he told. His response was first to ask exactly what “bisexual” meant and once Dean explained it, Sam smiled, pulled him into a hug and said “I honestly don’t care who you like, as long as you have enough love for me.”_

_His parented were a little less supportive. “So what,” John had said, “you’re like half-gay?”_

_Dean sighed, “No. I’m 100% bisexual.”_

_Mary just didn’t understand. “But you’ve always liked girls.”_

_“I’ve always like boys too,” he explained, “I just didn’t feel okay expressing that.”_

_It took a while, but eventually Mary came around and John ignored any indication of his son’s sexuality._

_Jo claimed that she had always suspected and was glad he felt safe telling her. Ellen gave him a hug and said that she would always love him no matter what. Bobby clapped a hand on his shoulder and said, “Don’t know why you were so nervous. We all care about you too much to let this change that.”_

When the timer buzzed, Dean pulled out the food and brought it to his tiny scratched-up table, calling the others over. Once they were all crammed around the table, Bobby led them in saying grace.

            “Bless us, oh lord, and these thy gifts, which we are about to receive, from thy bounty through Christ our lord, Amen.” They all dished up greedily and Dean was glad he had the foresight to make five pieces for the four of them.

            “Oh my gosh! This is amazing!” Jo exclaimed as she took her first bite.

            “Thanks,” Dean said, “It was mom’s recipe.”

            A silence fell around the table as it still did whenever someone mentioned Dean’s parents. It had been a few years, but it was still hard to think about the fire that claimed their lives. Sam almost didn’t go to school because of it, but Dean made sure he did.

            “Anybody want a drink?” Bobby asked, standing up and walking to the fridge.

            “Water’s fine,” Ellen said. Jo asked for a coke and Dean went with a beer. The rest of the dinner went fairly smoothly until Dean dished up desert and Jo asked about Cas.

            “Why do you care so much?” Dean asked.

            “Because I want you to be happy,” Jo said, “because you haven’t had a real relationship since Cassie and you’re lonely without Sam.”

            “I am,” Dean agreed, “but that doesn’t mean I need to rush into anything, especially not with Cas.”

            “Why not with Cas?”

            “Do you know why he moved here?” Dean asked.

            “Not really,” Jo admitted, “I’ve heard a few theories, but the general consensus is that he just needed a change.”

            “Yeah, well it was a break up,” he said. “I don’t know anything more than that, but if it was bad enough that he had to leave the state, he probably needs time to get over it.”

            “Wow, that’s actually really considerate of you,” Ellen said.

            “Hey,” Dean said,  jokingly defensive, “I can be thoughtful.”

            “He’s just afraid of rejection,” Jo teased.

            “Maybe a little,” Dean admitted.

            “Well anyone would be lucky to have you,” Ellen said.

            “Yeah,” Bobby said sarcastically, “the boys a real catch, now can we turn the game on?”

            They all laughed as they moved into the living room where they watched Madison take on Kentucky.


	4. Chapter 4

            Cas’s night was rather lonely. He unpacked the last of his books and made a trip to the Wal-Mart two towns over to get curtains and window cleaner and wound up with a cart full of knick-knacks and painting supplies. He hoped they would make his house seem less empty.

            After putting the curtains up (on rods that seemed far too decorative in the bland interior of his living room) he arranged some of the trinkets on his mantel and brought the others into his office along with the paint supplies.

            So far, the office was Cas’s favorite room in the house. It was the only one that had come with painted walls, a rich blue with mahogany trim. The bookshelves on the wall surrounded a tall window and created a window seat between them. His desk sat in a corner on the opposite wall, a slightly business-like and bulky thing he had bought simply out of desperation. The top was empty save his lap top and a goose-neck lamp. In the other corner, he had set up his easel and there was a large, empty space on the wall across from the door where he one day hoped to put an upright piano.

            He arranged his new paints in the plastic set of drawers he had set aside and placed the canvases on top of them. Then he walked across the room and started placing some more tiny figurines and jars filled with glass beads on the shelves. He wished he had some framed pictures to place there instead.

            Cas sighed as he gathered up the bags and placed them in the rapidly filling bag he had hung for them in his broom closet. He made himself some tea and went back to the office to check his e-mails.

            There was nothing particularly interesting in his inbox, a few in his work account asking if anyone was willing to take on an extra client or work the weekend, a few in his personal account from the church office (here’s the list of hymns for next week) and one from Becky (choir practice moved to 5 pm on Wednesday, let me know if you can’t make it).

            He avoided his Facebook as he had since the move, only checking the notifications and messages. He hadn’t purged his friends yet and didn’t want to come across a mention (or even worse, a picture) of Crowley. He played some solitaire game for a while before deciding to pick a book and read in bed.

            He found his copy of _The Great Gatsby_ and took it upstairs to his room. He felt an odd connection with George Wilson. He knew his marriage was failing, knew Myrtle was cheating on him, but he kept trying. He was shocked when he thought about Crowley getting his by a car. He knew he shouldn’t think that way, but he also knew that anger was a normal part of grief.

            He set the book down on his bedside table and turned off the light. It was only 10:30, but he was tired and bored and waking up before his alarm meant a longer shower, so he settled down and tried to sleep.

           

            After his company left, Dean did the dishes and cleaned up the empty beer bottles and pop cans. All things considered, it was a good night; the food was good, Madison had won, and he had a slight buzz going on.

            He watched some crime drama rerun while he sipped on another beer, not really wanting to think too much. He didn’t do much but ended up staying up until one am anyway, finally collapsing onto his bed and passing out for the next seven hours.

            When his alarm went off, he groaned loudly, his head pounding and his stomach heaving. It wasn’t the worst hangover he ever had, but considering he hadn’t drank that much, he was shocked by it.

            He took a short shower, turning the water cold after he was cleaned to shock him awake. When he was more alert, he made himself coffee and toast for breakfast and drove out to Bobby’s garage feeling almost human.

            “Hey, boy,” Bobby greeted him.

            “Hey, Bobby,” Dean said, “anything interesting in today?”

            “Not really. Rufus’s truck needs a new tranny, got an oil change and a tire rotation. Not much besides.

            “Damn,” Dean said, “Probably going to be an early night, huh?”

            “Depends if anything else comes up,” Bobby said.

            Dean sighed as he slipped into his coveralls. He understood that Bobby couldn’t pay him to sit on his ass, but he needed the money. Slow days meant fewer hours and less pay. He had thought about finding a second job, but he hadn’t really had the motivation to do much searching.

            Rufus’s transmission wound up taking all morning and by the time Dean took his lunch break he was covered in grease and had cut his finger. He cleaned up and ate with Bobby in his kitchen, Ellen giving them a look that said, “Don’t you dare get anything on my furniture.”

            When the two men returned to work, they messed around for a bit, taking their time on the projects since they were so small and the vehicles weren’t being picked up until the next morning. They were just shooting the shit when Bobby suddenly asked about Sam.

            “He hasn’t called in a few days,” Dean said, “but I figure they keep ‘em pretty busy out there.”

            “He seem okay?” Bobby asked.

            “Yeah, his texts aren’t very detailed, but he likes his roommate and is enjoying classes so far. Says their harder than he expected, but he’s coping.”

            “Yeah, I get those too,” Bobby said, “Just wondering if you knew more.”

            “Not really. I figure he’s been there a month, he’s settled into a routine and can’t fit in many phone calls.

            “Yeah, that’s what I figure too, but maybe you should give him a call tonight.”

            “You know, I think I will,” Dean said with a smile.

            “You better, boy,” Bobby said, “Or else I will, and I think he’d prefer a call from you.”

            Dean laughed, “I’m sure he’d love to talk to you too.”

            “Yeah, well, no sense in both of us checking in,” Bobby said, returning to his task.

            Dean watched the man fondly. His dad had taught him a bit about cars, but Bobby had been the one to really encourage his passion. Bobby was the one who let him tinker with old beaters and taught him how to get grease from under his fingernails. Bobby was the one who gave him his first (and only) job and Bobby had promised to give him the garage when he retired. Dean realized that Bobby was more of a father to him and Sam than his father ever was and that thought made me sad.

            “Call him,” Dean said. “He’d love to hear from you.”


	5. Chapter 5

            Dean called Sam after he warmed himself up some leftovers for dinner. “Hey, Sammy,” he said when his brother picked up.

            “Hey, Dean. Listen, I’m sorry I haven’t called lately, but I’m still trying to get used to everything. How’ve you been?”

            “I’m good, and don’t worry about it, I understand. How’re classes?”

            “Pretty good,” Sam said, “nothing you’d be too interested in.”

            “Yeah, probably not,” Dean agreed, “You making friends?”

            “Actually, I have a date on Friday,” Sam said, the excitement clear in his voice.

            “That’s great!” Dean said, “Tell me about her.”

            “Well, her name’s Jess, she’s in my composition class. She’s tall and blonde and probably the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen and I can’t believe how badly I’m gushing right now, wow.”

            “Hey, it’s cute that you get excited. Just make sure not to scare her away.”

            “Yeah, yeah, I know,” Sam said, “So what’s going on with you?”

            “Not a whole lot, mostly just work and church.”

            “Sounds sooooo exciting,” Sam said with a laugh.

            “Well, it pays the bills and keeps my ass out of hell,” Dean said.

            “You still going with Bobby and them?”

            “Every Sunday and dinner once a week as well. They all miss you.”

            “I miss all of you too,” Sam said, his voice sad, “but I gotta go to a meeting. I’ll text you later, okay?”

            “Yeah, sure,” Dean said and they both hung up.

            Dean was a little sad that their conversation was so short, but he was also glad that his brother was off living his own life. He loved Sam and he wanted to see him happy.

            _Why don’t you want the same for yourself, then?”_ some small voice in his head said. The answers were as varied as the freckles on Dean’s skin.

            _I don’t deserve it._

_It’s enough to see the people I care about be happy._

_I don’t deserve it._

_I don’t know how to be happy._

_I don’t deserve it._

_Why should I focus on my own happiness when other people aren’t happy?_

_I don’t deserve it._

_I don’t deserve it._

_I don’t deserve it._

And that’s what it came down to, Dean realized. He was a deeply flawed sinner of a man and anyone who said otherwise was lying. Sure he knew Sam, Bobby, Ellen, and Jo loved him, but it was the kind of tough love that you gave a petulant child. An indulgent kind of love that said “I know you’re not perfect, but you’re so much a part of my life I’m going to forgive your imperfections.” He needed that love and he thanked god for it every day.

            _But you want more_ the little voice said again, and this time, Dean found it hard to argue. He did want more. He had something real with Cassie, something he had never had before and it terrified him, but after a few years, he thought he might be ready to try it again, and that thought scared him even more.

            So Dean did what he always did when things got too emotional. He masturbated. There was not method to his actions, he just crawled into bed and slowly stroked his cock to full-hardness. He was aching and leaking before his mind drifted from the pure physical sensations. He thought of Cassie and her dark curly hair bouncing as she rode him. He thought of his favorite porn star, Carmelita and that thing she did with the tacos. He thought of Ryan Gosling, and, just as he was about to teeter over the edge, he thought of Cas. It was nothing graphic, really, just the face he made as he concentrated on playing the piano, but it was enough to make him feel guilty.

            The guilt didn’t last long though. He knew he was attracted to the guy, but as long as Cas didn’t know, it wouldn’t be awkward. Besides, it was an accident. Everyone slips every now and then.

            He jumped in the shower to clean himself off and then crawled back in bed, falling asleep almost instantly.


	6. Chapter 6

            Cas didn’t want to wake up Tuesday morning. He hadn’t slept well, having been woken up by a persistent hard on at 2 am. By the time he decided he couldn’t just ignore it, it was 2:30 and it took him another half an hour to take care of it.

            Now, at seven am, he was sore everywhere and hard again. He groaned as he shut off the alarm and decided to take a toy into the shower. He quickly lubed up the vibrating plug and slid it into his hole with a small whimper as he turned it on.

            The plug moved inside him as he walked to the bathroom, his cock leaking profusely against his abdomen. He couldn’t help but moan at the sensation. Sometimes he could get off like this, no stimulation to his cock or prostate, but he had the feeling that today wouldn’t be that sort of day.

            He left the toy buzzing away inside of him as he cleaned himself, it turned him on so much more when he couldn’t touch himself that when he finally took his cock in his hand, his groan echoed in the bathroom sounding filthier than any porno he’d ever seen.

            It didn’t take him long to cum, painting the tile wall with his release. He usually felt better after an orgasm and this time was no different. He managed not to think about anyone he knew in real life and with the plug still vibrating he was just barely approaching over-sensitivity as he shut it off.

            Cas dressed in his suit and tie and headed for work, still not looking forward to the day ahead. He mostly dealt with taxes, but that was usually pretty slow in October, so he was working with the owner of a restaurant who didn’t seem to understand that paying for more expensive ingredients meant you had to charge more to break even. _Some people just shouldn’t own their own business_ Cas thought.

            His day was as bad as he had anticipated and by the time he left, he was too tired to cook, so he picked up a burger and fries on the way home, devouring them in the living room while watching some DIY show.

            He fell asleep on the couch and was woken up around 9 by a text from Becky.

            _Can you make it tomorrow night?_

 _Yeah_ Cas typed back. he stretched out his stiff muscles and turned off the TV, deciding that his time would be better spent practicing the choir piece for this weekend. It was a fairly simple thing, but he didn’t want to mess it up. Becky was nice enough but she got a little scary when things didn’t go according to plan.

            He took out his keyboard mat and set it up on the kitchen table. He looked at it sadly, wishing he had thought to bring his electric keyboard when he moved. It was so frustrating not to feel the weight of the keys as he pressed them down. It was hard to get the tempo just right when his fingers slid over the mat so much easier than they did on a regular keyboard.

            As much of a hindrance as it was to practice on the mat, it was still practice, so he worked until he decided to go to bed. His fingers didn’t ache like they should have after an hour of practice. He missed the satisfaction of stretching his hands out after they had been settled over keys for so long. He quickly decided that he should just splurge on the piano already.

 

            Sam had texted Dean around 7 that night, asking him (rather bluntly) about Cas.

            Sam Winchester: _Bobby told me_ , _so spill_

Dean Winchester: _Nothing to spill. Yeah he’s gorgeous and really nice but I don’t think it’s gonna happen with us._

Sam Winchester: _Why not?_

Dean Winchester: _Long story and not really mine to tell._

Sam Winchester: _Fine. You should go for it though. Jo thinks he likes you._

Dean Winchester: _Jo thinks any attractive man who’s also interested in men wants in my pants. doesn’t make it true._

Sam Winchester: _Fair point. Call you soon._

Dean Winchester: _Yup ttyl._

Dean was left wondering why everyone (even his little brother who was half way across the county) was so intent on him and Castiel getting together. The more he thought about it, the more he realized what the situation must look like to an outsider; new guy in town, his first friend, and obvious attraction (at least on Dean’s part). No wonder the rumor mills were going nuts.

            In a way, he felt bad for Cas, being the recipient of so much attention. Break ups were hard enough, but it was a royal pain when you had to pretend to be okay about it.

            Dean thought about breaking up with Cassie. She was the one who left, in the end, but Dean knew that he had checked out emotionally at least a month before she called it off.

            “ _I can’t deal with this anymore,” Cassie said, “I can’t pretend I’m okay with you drinking all the time or that I like it when you drunkenly grope me. I miss the way we used to be, when you actually cared about me.”_

_“I do care about you,” Dean said with tears in his eyes, “I’m just going through a lot of shit right now.”_

_“And I get that,” Cassie said, “but you never talk about it. You choose to ignore your feelings instead of sharing them and I can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust me enough to open up.”_

_“I’m sorry,” was all Dean could say, and he kept saying it long after she had walked out of his apartment._

Dean shook his head. He couldn’t afford to think of things like that. He knew what would happen if he dwelled on those thoughts for much longer, and he didn’t want Bobby to bail him out of jail again.

            So he turned on his X-box and played some violent First person shooter where all he had to do was kill things. It was calming, in a way, to have a single objective to work toward and not have to think about anything else. He wondered what he would be like if he didn’t play video games. It was a bleak thought.

            After blowing up a few zombies, Dean felt better, but he still wanted a drink. He looked at the clock and seeing that it was already 11 pm, he decided against the hard stuff and just sipped a beer while watching a Dr. Sexy rerun. He went to bed dreaming of cowboy boots and scrubs instead of blue eyes and pianist hands.

 

            Wednesday night, Cas arrived at the church a few minutes early to get him music set up and talk to Becky about the song order. As usual, the choir director greeted him with a smile. “Hey, Castiel!” she said, turning from her folder of sheet music.

            “Hello, Becky,” Cas couldn’t help but smile back at her. They discussed the plan for rehearsal and Becky assured him they would be done by seven. “It wouldn’t be a problem if we ran late,” Cas assured her, “I do not have any plans.”

            Becky laughed, “Handsome man like you?”

            Cas blushed slightly. “Even if I were seeing someone, I rarely go out on weeknights.”

            “I’m sorry,” Becky said, “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

            “It’s alright,” Cas said, “I’m almost always uncomfortable.”

            Becky laughed again and Cas forced a smile. He didn’t have the heart to tell her he wasn’t joking.

            The choir started arriving and Cas busied himself at the piano. It was an old instrument, obviously old but well taken care of. He thought about the old pianist and how they must have polished the instrument at least once a month. He wondered when it was last tuned. It didn’t sound horrible, but he wanted to know when he should expect to call a tuner.

            He had spoken to Becky (who had filled in before he got there) about it, and she said she didn’t know. “The office should have those things on record, though,” she had offered. Cas had yet to inquire about it and he wondered when he should. Perhaps he’d pop in on Monday.

            Practice went smoothly. He only had to play each piece twice, the hymns chosen for this week were old favorites of the choir and most of them had at least one of the songs memorized. Afterwards, as Cas was gathering up his things, Becky approached him.

            “Hey, Castiel?” she asked, slightly hesitant.

            “Yes, Becky?” Cas replied, slinging his bag over his shoulder and turning to face her.

            “I’ve been thinking about what you said, I mean that you’re not seeing anyone, and I was wondering if you’d like to get dinner sometime?”

            “Becky, I’m very flattered, believe me, but I’m actually not interested in females.”

            “Oh,” Becky said, her face blushing, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize…”

            “It’s okay,” Cas said, “I don’t exactly announce it to the world. One of the reasons I chose this church, and its sister church in Pontiac was because of their acceptance of my sexuality. However, I don’t feel that it is necessary for everyone to know about it, so I would appreciate your discretion.”

            “Absolutely,” Becky nodded firmly. “It’s not my business to share that information anyway.”

            “Maybe we could get some lunch sometime, you know, as friends. I haven’t made many since I’ve gotten here.”

            “I’d love to!” Becky practically squealed.

            “Excellent,” Cas said, “would you like to meet me here around noon on Monday? I need to look into those tuning records.

            “Sounds great,” Becky smiled her toothy grin at him before picking up her folder and bouncing out of the church, Cas following behind her. “I think we’re gonna be good friends,” she said.

 


	7. Chapter 7

            Sunday came faster than Dean had expected and he was once again early enough to spend a few minutes looking at Castiel as he played. He had never paid much attention to pianists before, thought of them as simply being there and providing the background music to the service, but Cas’s playing seemed different. Even the simple prelude music was strung through with a sense of grace and something reverent that Dean couldn’t quite put his finger on. It was as if Cas respected the music so much that it showed its true meaning as he played.

            “Hey there, Romeo,” Jo whispered as she took her seat next to him.

            “Will you please stop that?” Dean asked, not really mad, but slightly uneasy at having a romantic tension being implied by someone who was, for all intents and purposes his sister.

            “Sorry,” Jo said, turning to face the front of the church.

            “It’s fine,” Dean mumbled. He hated when Jo got all mopey.

            The processional started and Dean turned his attention back to the service.

            He listened intently to the readings, even though he had heard most of them before. He knew the title of today’s service was “Sacrifice,” and he was eager to hear what Pastor Zach had to say on the subject. When he began speaking, Cas could feel the entire congregation hanging on his every word. Pastor Zach had that effect.

            “We are told,” the pastor began, “that sacrifice is important. We are taught that the most important thing Jesus ever did was sacrifice his life so that we may be forgiven, and that sacrifice should not be taken lightly. But,” he continued, “In our day to day lives, how much do _we_ sacrifice? Think about that for a moment.” The church was silent as they reflected on what was said.

            “Chances are,” Pastor Zach continued, “you thought of giving money to charity, money that you could easily survive without and that isn’t enough to buy you much anyway. A few dollars less in your savings account is a fairly small sacrifice in the grand scheme of things, but it does a lot of good as well.

            “And then there are the other sacrifices you make; giving the last cookie to your spouse, missing your favorite show so your kid can watch theirs, not buying the expensive shampoo so your family can go on vacation. So often we focus on the big sacrifices, but these small ones matter too. Even if you make one person happy, it’s worth the sacrifice.”

            Dean smiled. He really liked Pastor Zach.

            The pastor continued to talk and Dean was hanging on his every word. The end of the sermon was what really stuck with him though.

            “With everything we’re taught about sacrifice, we sometimes forget where to draw the line. When does a sacrifice do more harm to you than good for others? You wouldn’t give your very last dollar to a charity, and no one would ask you to, but the closer you get to that line, the harder it is to see.

            “Take Abraham, for example. God asked him to sacrifice his son as a test of his faith. He would never have required an actual sacrifice because it wouldn’t do any good. Likewise, there may come a time when you could make someone slightly happier but make yourself miserable. God does not expect you to sacrifice your happiness in these situations. Rather, you should be there to support the other person emotionally and do your best to learn from the situation.   “Sometimes, it’s hard to see the line between a pointless sacrifice and a noble one.” he concluded, “but you should never think that your happiness matters less than someone else’s. We are all loved by God, and he wants us all to be happy.”

            The sermon had hit Dean hard and it stuck with him, reverberating in his mind through communion and announcements. When the service was over, he waited patiently for Castiel’s fan club to disperse. “Are you going to ask him out?” Jo asked.

            Dean rolled his eyes and Jo apologized. “Yeah, sorry, I know, not my business.”

            “It’s not,” he agreed, then, looking at Cas, added, “but yeah, I think I am.”

            “Good for you,” Jo said, “About time you got back out there.”

            “I know,” Dean sighed, “It’s been almost a year.”

            “And it’s been a rough one for you,” Jo said, “but you deserve to be happy.”

            “Thanks Jo,” Dean smiled at her and pulled her into a hug. “See you tonight, okay?”

            “Yeah,” Jo said with a laugh, “Don’t be late or mom will kick your ass.”

            “You think I don’t know that?” Dean laughed as well.

            Dean stood slightly awkwardly, waiting for the last of Cas’s admirers to leave. As Becky was leaving, he walked closer. “Hey, Cas,” he said, suddenly shy.

            “Hello, Dean,” Cas said with a small smile. “How are you?”

            “I’m good,” he said, “really good, actually. Listen, I was wondering if maybe you’d like to get dinner sometime?”

            “Um…” Cas said, “I’m not really sure I’m up for dating just yet.” he looked down, but Dean could see the sadness in his eyes.

            “I’m sorry, man,” he said, “I shouldn’t have asked.  I know you just got out of a relationship. Don’t worry about it.”

            “It was six months ago,” Cas admitted, mostly to himself.

            “I thought you just moved here,” Dean said, slightly confused.

            “I did,” Cas said, “It’s a long story.”

            “I’ve got time,” Dean said softly. “Wanna take a walk?”

            “Sure,” Cas said with a small smile.

 

            Cas wasn’t sure what made him want to tell his sob story to this man he had just met, but he felt like he should tell someone and it might as well be Dean.

            Cas gathered his things and walked out of the church with Dean. They began walking around the block when Cas began. “His name was Crowley,” he said, “and he left me for another man six months ago.”

            “That’s rough,” Dean said. They continued on in silence for a few moments before Cas spoke again.

            “It’s not like our relationship was all that great, toward the end. He drank a lot, gambled a lot, yelled a lot. I don’t know how I finally got through to him, but he went into AA.” Cas laughed sarcastically, “Funny thing is, that’s where he met Raphael.”

            “You’re kidding,” Dean said, clearly taken aback.

            “I wish I were,” Cas said. “I didn’t even know he was cheating on me until he came home one day, introduced me to his new lover and told me to pack my things.”

            “Wow,” Dean said, “What an ass.”

            Cas let out a surprised laugh. “I suppose you could call him that.”

            “How long were you together?”

            “Four years,” Cas said, “I honestly thought we were going to be together forever. Obviously I was wrong.”

            “Where did you go?” Dean asked.

            “I moved in with my friend Hael, and things were okay, but she wasn’t really the kind of person I needed to be around. As long as I wasn’t actually hurting myself or others, she just let me sulk in my depressive moods. There were a few months I only left the house for work. Then my pastor called me because he was worried I hadn’t been to church.”

            “Were you the pianist there too?” Dean asked.

            “No, I was in the choir though. I agreed to talk with him and that’s when he suggested I move out here. He could see I wasn’t getting better. He knew how much Crowley had meant to me. He realized before I did that distance was probably the best way to move on.”

            “And what do you think?” Dean asked seriously.

            “I still get sad sometimes, lonely mostly, but I’m finding people here I can connect with and I think that’s a good start.”

            Dean smiled at him. “I’m glad.”

            “You’re one of them, in case you didn’t know.”

            Dean laughed, “I figured, and I’m glad about that too.”

            “I’m serious, Dean. I know we haven’t talked much, but I feel close to you in a way I haven’t felt close to anyone in a long time. I don’t know exactly where these feelings are going to lead, but I do know they mean something big.”

            Dean stopped in his tracks. “Cas, I…I honestly don’t know how to respond to that.”

            “You don’t have to say anything,” Cas said, “I know I tend to get a little overly emotional. I know I tend to move too fast, and that’s one of the reasons I don’t think dinner with you would be a good idea, at least not yet.”

            “I understand,” Dean said as they continued walking. “But know that the offer still stands. When you’re ready, that is.”

            “Thank you, Dean,” Cas said as they rounded the corner to head back to the church. “This was a good talk.”

            “It was,” Dean said with a smile. “Listen, if you ever need to talk, about anything, give me a call or shoot me a text. Do you have your phone with you?”

            Cas handed Dean his phone and took Dean’s when he offered it, They exchanged numbers before parting ways. Cas felt lighter than he had in months and he knew he had Dean Winchester to thank for it.


	8. Chapter 8

            On Monday, shortly after Cas found out the piano was last tuned in May (so it should be good for a while) Becky walked into the Church office.

            “Hey, Castiel,” she said, “Ready to go?”

            “Yup,” he said, grabbing his shoulder bag and following Becky out of the church. “Where did you want to go?”

            “I don’t really care,” she said, “you choose.”

            “I don’t really know the town that well,” he explained.

            “Have you been to the Roadhouse?”

            “Not yet, but I’ve heard nothing but good things.”

            “That’s because it’s the best tavern in the state. Have you met Ellen Harvelle?”

            “Jo’s mother?” Cas asked.

            “That’s the one,” Becky said excitedly, “She owns and runs the place.”

            “So she and her husband are both business owners?” Cas noted, “Interesting.”

            They took Becky’s car to the Tavern and Cas was impressed when they entered. The building was old but well-maintained and the atmosphere was rustic but in a comfortable sort of way.

            Jo greeted them, told them to pick a table and she’d be right with them. “Jo works for her mother?” Cas asked as they sat down at a table.

            “Has since she was 16,” Becky explained, “she’s taking a few nursing courses at the community college though. As much as she loves this place she wants to help people.”

            “I can understand that,” Cas said, somewhat sadly.

            Jo came and took their order, promising their drinks would be right out. “Glad you finally made it out here,” she said to Cas, “you won’t be disappointed.”

            Cas smiled, “I’m sure the burger will be delicious.”

            “So,” Becky said as Jo walked away, “Has anyone caught your eye yet?”

            Cas blushed deeply and he knew Becky could see it so he decided not to lie. “Sort of, but it’s complicated. I’m not really ready to put myself back out there. My last relationship ended pretty badly.”

            “I’m sorry to hear that,” she said. “Would you mind if I asked who?”

            “I suppose it doesn’t really matter since he knows,” Cas said. “It’s Dean Winchester.”

            Becky squealed. “Oh my god! He’s so hot. Not as hot as his brother, but still.”

            “You know his brother?” Cas asked before he realized that it wasn’t too much of a stretch for Becky to know both brothers.

            “Of course,” Becky said, “he was even in my confirmation group. I’ve known them a long time. Even dated Sam for a while, but that didn’t work out. Apparently I was too intense.”

            “Oh,” Was all Cas could think to say. They sat in silence for a bit, sipping their sodas until Jo came back with their food.

            Becky watched him as he took the first bite of his hamburger and her face lit up at Cas’s reaction. “Oh my gosh,” he said, “This makes me very happy.”

            Becky Zachled and dug into her own burger. They continued to eat and Cas asked Becky about her day job. “What exactly do you do for a living?” he asked.

            “I work at the bookstore downtown,” she said. “It gives me a lot of time to read, and I get a discount on the books, so it’s a pretty sweet deal.”

            “That does sound nice,” Cas agreed.

            “Don’t get me wrong, I have higher aspirations, but for now, I’m pretty content.”

            “What would you like to do, ideally?”

            “I’d love to be an author, but so far the only writing of mine that’s gotten any attention is my fanfiction.”

            “What’s that?” Cas asked.

            “Oh, basically you take established characters from a book or movie or TV show, whatever, and you write scenarios for them.”

            “Sounds interesting,” Cas said. “Who do you write about?”

            “Mostly Captain Hook and Emma Swan from Once Upon a Time,” Becky admitted a bit shyly.

            “They do seem to be in love with each other,” Cas said offhandedly.

            “EXACTLY!” Becky screamed, “finally, someone who understands!”

            “I’m not sure what’s happening here,” Cas said.

            “Sorry, I just get really excited when I meet another Captain Swan shipper.”

            “Shipper?” Cas said, getting more confused.

            “Someone who wants two characters to get together romantically,” Becky explained, “as in relationSHIP.”

            “Oh,” Cas said, shoving a handful of fries into his mouth. “I’m not really that adamant about it, I just know chemistry when I see it.”

            “Oh,” Becky said, “I supposed. Sometimes I forget not everyone is as interested in this stuff as I am.”

            “That’s okay,” Cas said, “I like your enthusiasm.”

            Becky smiled and returned to her food. They were silent for a few moments before Becky spoke again. “I don’t think you should let your past relationship stop you from pursuing a new one.”

            “What do you mean?”

            “I mean that I want you to be happy. Obviously I don’t know anything about your last relationship, but whatever baggage you have, I’m sure Dean can handle it.”

            “It’s not my baggage I’m worried about,” Cas explained, “I just don’t know if I can be as emotionally present as I would want to be.”

            “The fact that you’re concerned about that means that you’re ready to move on. You know how your break up is affecting you, so you can choose not to let it.”

            “I’m still not sure,” Cas said, “but I’ll think about it. Thank you.”

            “Anytime,” Becky said with a smile.

            Cas looked at his watch. “I have to go.”

            “And I drove you here,” Becky laughed. She called Jo over, they paid their bills and left.

            Cas spent the rest of the day thinking about what Becky had said. Maybe he did have a choice. If he could make himself be more open emotionally, maybe he could handle a relationship. And really, wasn’t the whole reason he moved out here because he couldn’t move on? This was supposed to be a fresh start, so maybe he should start treating it like one.


	9. Chapter 9

            Dean usually loved his high libido, but having spent most of the day thinking about sex just enough that he wasn’t popping a boner in his coveralls, he hated it.

            The first thing he did when he got home from the garage was take a shower. The warm water felt so good on his skin that he couldn’t help but run his hands over his body, allowing himself to get fully hard.

            He slowly stroked his cock, relived at finally getting some sensation, but then a thought crossed his mind. Something he hadn’t done since he was with Cassie and something he’d never done on his own. He decided to tease himself.

            He kept stroking until he was near the edge and then he squeezed his cock, allowing his body to calm down before dropping his hand.

            He got out of the shower and dried off before going to his bedroom and finding the vibrating plug and a cock ring. He just barely managed to get it on, but he knew he would need it. He slowly stretched himself open before sliding the plug in and by the time he slid his boxer briefs on, he was almost trembling from the sensations.

            He went to the kitchen to make himself some dinner. He decided on a grilled cheese sandwich and he let his body calm down while he cooked it. He occasionally glanced to the table where he had set the remote for the plug and his cock gave an interested twitch each time. Tonight was going to be awesome.

            He sat down with his sandwich and clicked the vibe onto the lowest setting. The low buzzing in his ass stoked his arousal and his cock was leaking against his shorts as he ate. He wiggled around in his seat a bit, unconsciously rutting against the vibrations.

            When he was done eating, he turned the vibe up a notch as he did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen. He clicked it up again as he walked back to his bedroom and then all the way up as he took his underwear off.

            He fell face down on the bed and rutted against the sheets, moaning loudly as he felt himself approach orgasm. He knew he wouldn’t cum that easily with the cock ring, but the ring was mostly there for insurance, to make sure he actually stuck with the edging. He turned off the plug and laid there, letting his body once again come down from the arousal.

            When he was finally able to move, he pulled the plug out and dropped it on the floor. He thought about what to do next and decided that he really wanted some prostate stimulation. It took him a bit to find his prostate massager, and he wondered why he hadn’t used it in so long.

            He settled himself on his back and slid the lubed-up toy into his waiting hole. For a few minutes he didn’t turn it on, just pushed it in and out of his ass, angling his hips up to catch it even better on the sensitive spot inside of him. He rammed it hard against his prostate a few times, causing him to scream out and then he turned it on.

            He groaned loudly and dropped his hands to the side, letting it vibrate against his prostate. He thrashed around for a while, feeling the pressure build once again, but this time he let it build all the way until he felt he couldn’t take it anymore. He kept going and going until finally he came with a scream, the intense pleasure rushing over him as his release hit his abdomen.

            He turned off the toy but left it in as he took off the ring. He laid there for a few minutes, panting heavily and enjoying the full feeling in his ass and the calm bliss of his post-orgasmic haze.

            His phone rang, pulling him from his headspace. He looked at the screen and saw that it was Cas calling. he blushed as he answered it. “Hello?” He said, his voice rough.

            “Hello, Dean, it’s Castiel.”

            “Yeah, I saw,” Dean said, clearing his throat. “What’s up?”

            “Well, I had lunch with Becky Rosen today and we got to talking and well, would you like to go to dinner with me sometime?”

            Dean laughed, “Yeah, Cas, I’d love to. What made you change your mind?”

            “I realized that moving out here isn’t really a fresh start if I don’t let myself move on. I might not be all that great at the dating thing, but I really like you and I figured I should try.”

            “I’m glad,” Dean said, “I’ll text you tomorrow to work out the details.”

            “Sounds good,” Cas said.

            “Bye.”

            “Bye.”

            The silence hung over the phone for a few seconds before Dean ended the call. He realized he was still naked and covered in cum and he laughed to himself. If only Cas knew the state he was in when he asked him out.

            He took the toy out, his hole clenching at the new emptiness. He cleaned himself and the toys before putting them away. He noticed that it was only about seven, so he slid on some underpants and went to the living room to watch some TV as he rehydrated.

 

            Cas sat on his couch in silence for a few minutes after Dean had hung up. He had a date. A real honest-to-god date with a gorgeous man and he wasn’t sure if he was actually ready, but somehow it felt right.

            Not that he wasn’t extremely nervous as well; after all, it had been over four years since he’d even been on a first date, but that only added to the excitement. He wondered where they would go and what they would do and even what Dean would wear. There were a lot of things he wondered about this date, but he noticed that none of them involved Dean’s desire to be there. That calmed his nerves and he went to bed happier than he had been in a long time.

 

            They set their date for Friday night and Cas was buzzing with excitement all week. Becky knew, of course, so she gave him a knowing smile when he came to choir practice on Wednesday. “I’m really excited for you,” she squeaked as she pulled him into a tight hug.

            “It’s just a date,” Cas reminded her, “it’s nothing to get too excited about.”          

            “I’m just really glad you’re putting yourself out there. You deserve to be happy.”

            “Thank you, Becky,” Cas said, hugging her back.

            Practice went smoothly as usual and when it was over, Becky kept him there just to talk. “What are you going to wear?” she asked.

            “I don’t know,” Cas said, “I was thinking some dark jeans and a button-up. Would a tie be too much?”

            “For Dean? Yeah. He’s not really going to care that much what you wear anyway.

            “Okay, no tie.”

            “Where are you going?” she asked.

            “We’re going to get dinner at that Italian place. Nothing big, just dinner.”

            “I thought Dean would take you to the Roadhouse,” Becky said.

            “So did I, but he didn’t want Ellen and Jo ‘spying’ on us.” Cas said, putting air quotes around the word “spying.”

            “Well, to be fair, they are pretty involved in his life.”

            “I’ve noticed, but I think it’s nice.”

            “It is,” Becky agreed.

            Cas smiled before giving Becky one last hug and leaving the church.

 

            Dean had a similar conversation with Ash over dinner. “Dude, the guy is gorgeous; I understand why you’re so nervous.”

            “I’m not nervous,” Dean said, “it’s just I haven’t really done this since Cassie.”

            “Well from what I’ve heard, it’s been a while for him too. It might be awkward, but at least it’ll be on both of you.”

            “That, oddly makes me feel better. Thanks, Ash.”

            “No problemo. Always here to help.”

            “What do you think I should wear?” He asked.

            “You’ve seen how he dresses,” Ash said, “I’d go Sunday best if I were you.”

            “Tie and everything?”

            “Of course you have to wear a tie,” Ash said, “You want to look your best, don’t you?”

            “Of course I do,” Dean sighed, “so I guess I’m wearing a tie.”

            “Damn right,” Ash said, taking a swig of his beer.

            Dean sighed, but somehow he knew that Cas was worth it.


	10. Chapter 10

            Friday finally came and Dean knocked on Cas’s door at exactly 6:30. When the door opened, he said, “Oh, you have got to be kidding me.”

            He saw Cas’s face fall. “What’s wrong?”

            “Nothing,” Dean rushed to assure him, “just that I’m wearing a tie and you’re in jeans. I wish I knew I didn’t have to get so dressed up.”

            “Oh,” Cas said, “I didn’t know you were expecting me to dress up.”

            “Well, I mean, you’ve worn a suit every time I’ve seen you.”

            “That’s because you’ve either seen me at church or right after work,” Cas explained.

            “Well, I suppose I can ditch the tie, huh?”

            “I’d like it if you did,” Cas said, “not that it looks bad or anything, I just want you to be comfortable.”

            “Thanks,” Dean said, taking his tie off and shoving it in his pocket. “Shall we?”

            “Sure,” Cas said with a smile. He stepped out and shut the door behind him. Dean lead him to the car and watched his reaction.

            “What year?” Cas asked, stroking the hood almost reverently.

            “67,” Dean answered, smiling. “You like her?”

            “It’s a gorgeous car,” Cas said, “obviously well loved.”

            “She’s my baby,” Dean said, unlocking the passenger door. Cas got in and Dean shut the door before letting himself in on the driver’s side. “I had to rebuild her,” Dean continued, somewhat sadly. He continued as he drove. “My dad kept her cherry and when he gave me the keys for the first time last year, I totaled it.”

            “Were you okay?”

            “I…” Dean paused for a moment, “I was in a coma. For a few days. When I woke up, my dad was dead and Sam was dealing with way more than he should have been at 16.”

            “Your dad was in the car with you?” Cas confirmed.

            “They both were,” Dean said, “thank god Sammy was okay, but it was probably harder on him than it was on me.”

            “I’m sorry to hear that,” Cas said, placing a comforting hand on Dean’s knee.

            “Yeah, thanks. Not exactly first date conversation though, is it?”

            “I don’t mind,” Cas said with a smile. He squeezed Dean’s knee slightly before moving his hand.

            “Anyway,” Dean said, “You’re an accountant? What’s that like?”

            “Occasionally tedious,” Cas admitted, “but usually that’s comforting. Numbers don’t change.”

            “That’s why I like cars,” Dean said, “Everything has a place and a function. They’re pretty easy to figure out.”

            They pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant and got out of the car. The conversation in the restaurant was much lighter, mostly revolving around the food (which was delicious according to Cas but a bit pretentious if you asked Dean) and church and work. Then Dean mentioned Cas’s playing and asked when he first learned piano.

            “I learned when I was very young,” Cas said, “I had my first lesson at five years old and I fell in love with it.”

            “Why didn’t you pursue it as a career?” Dean asked.

            “I’m not cut out to be a performer,” Cas explained. “I’m meant to be on the sidelines, helping people. Put me in the spotlight and I choke.”

            “Define ‘choke’” Dean asked.

            “When I was seven, my teacher decided that I should put on a recital,” Cas said, “It wasn’t anything big, just some family members and a few of the other instructors at the music school, but when I sat down to play and I saw them all staring at me, my mind went blank. I ran out of the room and puked into the first garbage can I could find.”

            “That’s rough,” Dean said.

            “I never performed for an audience again until I came here. I figured hymns are pretty hard to mess up and no one pays attention to the person playing the music, just the music itself. I haven’t had an issue so far.”

            “That’s not true,” Dean said. He saw Cas’s confused expression and continued. “I mean the part about no one noticing the musician. I did. The first day I saw you in church I was enthralled with your playing. And every week since then, I’ve noticed how happy you seem playing, how well you seem to connect to the music. I think it’s amazing.”

            They both blushed slightly at Dean’s admission, sitting in silence for a few long beats. “Sorry,” Dean said, “too much?”

            “Maybe a bit,” Cas said, “but I’m not complaining. In fact, it’s kind of sweet.”

            “I haven’t been called ‘sweet’ in a long time,” Dean laughed.

            “If the shoe fits,” Cas said with a shrug.

            “Do you play at home?” Dean asked.

            “I do and I don’t,” Cas said. “I like to practice a bit before playing with the choir, but I don’t have an actual keyboard at my place.”

            “What do you practice on?” Dean asked, genuinely curious.

            “It’s this kind of mat thing. It’s basically like a keyboard but flat and with sensors instead of actual keys.

            “Interesting,” Dean said, “do you like it?”

            “Not really, but it’s all I have.”

            “At least you have something, right?” Dean said.

            “I guess,” Cas said with a shrug.

            “What else do you do for fun?” Dean asked.

            “I like to read, mostly,” Cas said, “but I also enjoy board games and cards. You?”

            “I play video games,” Dean said, “and I kind of have a weakness for Dr. Sexy.”

            “I love that show,” Cas said with a smile.

            “Maybe we’ll watch it together sometime,” Dean said, smiling back.

            “I’d like that.”

 

            The rest of dinner went well. Cas asked about Sam and what he was studying (law) and Dean took the opportunity to gush about how proud he was of his baby brother. They split a slice of cheesecake for desert (Dean assured Cas that the portions were outrageous and he’d never finish a slice alone) and when the check came, Cas felt a little sad that the date was ending.

            They found themselves on Cas’s doorstep sooner than either of them wanted. “I had a great time,” Cas said.

            “Me too. I’m glad we did this,” Dean said. They were standing pretty close and Cas felt the anticipation build in his stomach, happy butterflies urging him to close the last few inches between them.

            Dean leaned in and Cas met him halfway, their lips connecting softly and causing sparks to rush through Cas’s body. It lasted about a second, but it was perfect. When they parted, Dean smiled at him. “I’d like to take you out again,” Dean said.

            “I’d like that too,” Cas smiled so big his cheeks began to hurt. “I’ll see you Sunday?”

            “Yeah,” Dean said, “But I’ll text you tomorrow.”

            “Okay,” Cas agreed with a chuckle before stepping inside and closing the door with one last smile at Dean.


	11. Chapter 11

            Dean had never been one to gush over dates, but when he got home he noticed he was still smiling. He was completely smitten with Cas and it seemed like Cas felt the same way. He couldn’t wait to know more about him and share more happy memories with him. He knew it was going to be hard to let him in completely, but he knew already that day would come eventually.

            He sighed happily as he settled onto his couch. He clicked on his console and played Left for Dead for about half an hour before his phone buzzed in his pocket. He paused the game and looked at the screen. It was a text from Jo. “I know you’re not home already. If you are you’re a loser :P”

            Dean chuckled and sent back “I’m not a loser, I’m a gentleman.” unsurprisingly, his phone rang a few minutes later and he answered it. “You’re not going to leave me alone until I tell you about the date, are you?”

            “Nope. I’m the one who convinced you to talk to him in the first place, I deserve updates.”

            “I mean, it’s not like we decided to get married or anything,” Dean said, “we ate dinner, split cheesecake for desert, and I kissed him goodbye. Nothing much to tell.”

            “How was the kiss?” Jo asked excitedly.

            “Kind of perfect, actually,” Dean said, knowing he sounded like a girl and not caring.

            Jo squealed. “You’re going to see him again, right?”

            “Of course,” Dean said.

            “Good,” Jo said, “Don’t screw this up.”

            “Gee, Jo, your confidence amazes me. Which of us has had a long-term relationship before?”

            “That’s not fair,” Jo said, “you know I choose not to date seriously.”

            “Yeah, I know, you want to be your own person, sort out your life, blah blah blah. In case you haven’t noticed, I managed to do all that AND date.”

            “But I’m not you,” Jo said. “Anyway, Cas is a good guy. Be good to him.”

            “I’m not going to ruin this,” Dean said, determined.

            “Good,” Jo said, “now tell me what his lips felt like.”

            “Jo,” Dean groaned but obliged anyway. “They were so soft, okay? And dry but not too dry. God, why am I telling you this?”

            “Because you looooove me,” Jo teased, drawing out the word.

            “I do. Thanks for everything, Jo. I mean it.”

            “Yeah, yeah, don’t forget you’re doing dinner this weekend.”

            “Crap,” Dean said, shaking his head, “I didn’t buy anything. We might be having pizza.”

            “As long as you get some of that stuffed cheese bread, I don’t think any of us will be complaining,” Jo laughed.

            “Good,” Dean said, “I’ll see you Sunday.”

            “Yup,” Jo agreed, “See ya.”

            The line went silent and Dean noticed it was already after 11. He didn’t realize he and Cas had stayed so long at the restaurant. He crawled into bed and fell asleep, the dopey smile still on his face.

 

            Cas didn’t get to bed until about two AM. He had spent the hours after his date texting Becky about it and finishing a novel he’d been working on for months.

            When he woke up, it was 10:30 and he had three texts on his phone. One was from Becky and simply read “reminder to be there early tomorrow.”

            The other two were from Dean. One said “Good morning. Told you I’d text you.” The other said, “Do you like to sleep in?” Cas laughed at how perceptive Dean was and texted him back.

            “When I can.” He got up and showered before throwing on jeans and a t-shirt. He had another text from Dean.

            “Me too, but I couldn’t today. Too much energy.”

            “I wish I had that problem :P” Cas typed out and then deleted the smiley face after deciding it was too childish.

            Dean laughed, “Yeah, I made like 2 dozen pancakes.”

            “Please tell me you didn’t eat them all.”

            “Did you want some?”

            “I was more concerned for your health, but I do enjoy pancakes.”

            “Would it be weird if I brought you some?”

            “Will there be bacon?”

            “Maybe ;)”

            “Not weird,” Cas assured him, “considerate.”

            Cas got slightly worried when he didn’t receive a reply for about ten minutes, but then there came a tentative knock on his door. He answered it and was promptly handed a warm plate. “I’m not going to make you or anything, but it is considered polite to invite someone inside after they bring you breakfast.”

            Cas was flabbergasted. “I wasn’t expecting you to actually come over,” he said, “but yeah, come in.” He gestured Dean inside and closed the door. “The kitchen’s through here,” he said, leading the way.

            “Dude, I made way too much food and you have not lived until you’ve eaten my pancakes. So yeah, I actually came over.”

            Cas set the plate on the table and gestured for Dean to sit down. He got some plates and forks out and asked Dean what he wanted on his pancakes. “I already ate,” he answered.

            “You’re making me eat alone?” Cas said, feigning hurt.

            “Fine, I’ll have one. With syrup.”

            Cas pulled the bottle of syrup from the fridge and brought everything to the table before asking Dean if he wanted something to drink. “The coffee should be done soon,” he said.

            “Coffee sounds great,” Dean smiled.

            Cas poured two cups of coffee and brought them to the table and sat down. They both dished up and Cas put the slightest bit of syrup on his pancake. Dean watched expectantly as he took the first bite. “This is possibly the best pancake I have ever eaten,” he said seriously.

            Dean chuckled and began eating his own. “I created the recipe myself,” he said, “The secret is cinnamon.”

            “A lot of people put cinnamon in their pancakes,” Cas said, “they’re not this good.”

            “Well I can’t tell you _all_ the secrets,” Dean chuckled, “Otherwise you wouldn’t need me to make them for you.”

            Cas blushed. “I’d like you to make them for me again.”

            “I think I will,” Dean smiled softly before plucking a piece of bacon from the plate and shoving it in his mouth. “I will say, the bacon’s not that special, but even mediocre bacon is awesome.”

            “Did you just call your bacon mediocre?” Cas asked.

            “What, are you surprised that word is in my vocabulary?” Dean asked, slightly offended.

            “No, just surprised you used it to describe bacon of all things.”

            “Well, I’m a special snowflake,” Dean said, giving Cas a goofy grin.

            Cas laughed and continued to eat his food. “So what did you do last night after I left?” Dean asked.

            “I read. I’ve had this book for months and I just decided to buckle down and finish it. You?”

            “I played Left for Dead,” Dean said, “Probably not as intellectually stimulating as your book, but I like it.”

            “Books aren’t for everybody,” Cas said with a shrug. “No judgment here.”

            Dean smiled softly and looked at Cas for a few moments. “What?” Cas asked.

            “Nothing,” Dean said, “I just really like you.”

            Cas blushed. “I really like you too,” He said.

            When Dean left, insisting that Cas keep the leftovers, Cas gave him a small kiss and then looked down at his feet. “Was that okay?” he asked.

            Dean Chuckled and lifted Cas’s chin with a finger. He cupped his cheek, said “yes,” and leaned in to kiss him. It was a really sweet, lingering kiss and Cas felt himself melting into it.

            “I’ll see you tomorrow,” Dean said.

            “Yeah,” Cas said. He watched Dean walk down the porch steps and to his car, smiling when Dean turned back and smiled at him.


	12. Chapter 12

            Sunday after church, Cas and Dean stood outside the church and set another date for Tuesday night. Dean insisted that he normally didn’t do dates on week nights, but he’d make an exception since it was Cas. Cas laughed and agreed that he’d see Dean at 6 on Tuesday.

            “I’m looking forward to it,” Dean said. He pecked Cas on the cheek and walked to his car.

            Becky came up to Cas when Dean had left. “Oh my gosh, you two are so cute!”

            “I really like him, Becky,” Cas said with a sigh. “I don’t want to mess this up.”

            “From what I saw,” she said, “you’re not messing up anything.”

            “I know. It really does seem like he likes me too,” Cas said, “but you never really know, do you?”

            “He asked you for a second date,” Becky pointed out, “he brought you pancakes yesterday. I think it’s safe to say he likes you.”

            “Okay, you have a point,” Cas agreed.

            “Darn right I do,” Becky said. “If you two were fictional characters you’d be my OTP.”

            “What’s an OTP?” Cas asked, clearly confused.

            “It stands for ‘one true pairing’ and it basically means you want two people to be together forever and ever and never with anyone else.”

            “Oh,” Cas said, blushing. “Good thing we’re not fictional, huh?”

            “I’m still rooting for you guys,” Becky said, “I mean you’re so cute together and you’re clearly smitten with him.”

            “Yeah,” Cas agreed with a sigh. “I just want to know everything about him. I want to hear everything he has to say. I just want to be a part of his life, you know?”

            “Yeah,” Becky said, “I can understand that.”

            “Enough about me,” Cas said, “How are you?”

            “I’m good,” Becky said, “I actually have a date this weekend.”

            “With who?” Cas asked.

            “His name is Chuck,” Becky said, “He’s a writer.”

            “Really?” Cas said, “anything I might have read?”

            “He’s self-published, so probably not,” Becky admitted. “But his pen name is Carver Edlund.”

            “Can’t say I’ve heard of him,” Cas said, “but maybe I’ll check out his work.”

            “I’m reading one of his books now. It’s actually really good. He just doesn’t have the connections or drive to find an actual publisher,” she said.

            “What does he do for a living?” Cas asked.

            “He’s an English teacher at the high school.”

            “How did you meet?”

            “We met at the Roadhouse Friday night. He bought me a drink and we just hit it off.”

            “Good for you,” Cas said with a smile. They hugged and parted ways, and Cas smiled as he drove home. He was happy for Becky and happy for himself. Everything seemed to be falling into place and he was trying hard not to wait for the other shoe to drop. What if everything went wrong with Dean? What if Dean decided he didn’t want to deal with Cas’s baggage? What if he decided Cas was too boring or too weird or too clingy or too distant? What if Dean found someone better? There were a lot of things that could go wrong with Dean and Cas was trying really hard not to worry about those things.

            Cas spent the rest of the day on the computer, looking up some stuff about Chuck. He ordered one of his books off Amazon and texted Becky about it.

            She then convinced him to read some of her fanfiction. She e-mailed him a link to her works with the message “don’t judge me.”

            He clicked on the first work listed on her account. It was a Captain Swan fic so Cas at least knew the characters and liked seeing them together.

            It started simply enough, Killian coming home and Emma is waiting for him. Henry is with Neil so they decide to have some fun, and then Emma breaks out the hand cuffs. The whole thing was so kinky that Cas was half-hard reading it. He texted Becky when he was done.   

            “Holy shit that was hot.”

            “Which one?” she asked.

            “The one with the handcuffs and Emma riding hook.”

            “That’s one of my favorites ;)”

            Cas was surprised at how easily he could talk like this with Becky. He was glad to have her as a friend.

            Cas read a few more of Becky’s works and, even though it was only 4 pm, decided to masturbate. He didn’t really know what he was in the mood for, so he took down his box of toys from the closet, closed his eyes and reached in. He pulled out the first thing his hand touched, which was a vibrating cock ring.

            As much as he liked it, he knew it wouldn’t be enough, so he pulled out another one, this time he was holding a thin vibrator wand. Apparently the fates wanted him to cum from vibrations tonight.

            He slid the ring on and turned it on, feeling the blood rush to his cock. He moaned softly at the sensation and allowed himself to get fully hard before he situated himself on his hands and knees and slid a lubed finger in. He stretched himself a little before sliding the wand in. He gave it a few thrusts before turning it on.

            He let the ring and the wand buzz away, feeling himself approach the edge. He gave his cock a few strokes and he was gone.

            He came with a cry and collapsed onto the bed after turning the toys off. He rolled over onto his back after a few minutes and trailed a finger through the cum on his stomach, bringing it to his mouth to taste himself. He fell asleep and woke up about an hour later, hungry and sticky.

            He quickly cleaned himself up in the bathroom and made some macaroni for dinner. It wasn’t much, but it filled him up pretty quickly. He spent the rest of the evening watching bad TV and fiddling around with his keyboard mat. It wasn’t an exciting evening, but Cas decided it wasn’t an altogether bad one either.


	13. Chapter 13

            Dean and Cas went on more dates over the next few weeks. Dinners and movies and mini-golf and once Cas even packed them a picnic and they went down to the lake and enjoyed the weather before it got too cold. The dates were getting closer together and soon they were seeing each other three or four times a week.

            They were sitting in Dean’s apartment, having a beer and talking about nothing in particular when Cas decided to ask the question that had been on his mind for a few days. “Do you want to be my boyfriend?”

            Dean chuckled. “I thought you’d never ask.” He kissed him deeply, his lips tasting of beer, but Cas didn’t care. He returned the kiss and smiled.

            “I’m so happy,” He said.

            “Me too,” Dean said, giving Cas another small kiss.

            “The church ladies are going to go crazy,” Cas laughed.

            “I think Jo will be the craziest of all,” Dean laughed. “She’s been pushing me to make things official between us for a while.”

            “Why didn’t you?” Cas asked.

            “I didn’t want to push you,” Dean admitted.

            “You wouldn’t have been pushing me,” Cas said, “just asking.”

            “I know,” Dean said, “but I still felt kind of weird about it.” He looked down at his hands. “I’ve never actually asked a guy out before.”

            “Me either,” Cas admitted.

            “But you’ve dated guys,” Dean pointed out, “This is all so new for me. I didn’t want to move too fast.”

            “Dean, every relationship is different. You can’t judge what we have based on your previous relationships. Even if you had dated guys before, things would still be unique between us.”

            “I know that,” Dean said, “I guess I was reading the situation better than I thought I was.”

            “I think you can safely assume that I like you a lot,” Cas said.

            Dean laughed, “Yeah and you can assume the same about me.” They kissed again and they kept kissing for a long time until their lips were swollen and they were both high on the feeling of the other against their body.

            Dean smiled against Cas’s lips as they parted for air. “It’s getting late,” he admitted, somewhat sadly.

            “Yeah,” Cas conceded. “I should get home.” He stood slowly, stretching out his back. Dean stood with him and walked him to the door, giving him a kiss before he left.

            “I’ll see you tomorrow?” He asked, a little uncertain.

            “Yeah,” Cas said, “My place? I’ll make steak.”

            “Like I’m going to pass that up,” Dean laughed, “I’ll be there after work.”

            “Okay,” Cas said, giving Dean one last kiss before he left.

 

            Dean smiled. He had an honest-to-god boyfriend and he was happier than he had been in a long time. He knew that Cas couldn’t erase his past and that he wouldn’t magically be okay just because he had a boyfriend, but maybe he could start working through his problems with Cas’s support.

            He went to bed and slept so peacefully that he was actually surprised when he woke up and realized it was only half an hour before his alarm went off. He decided he might as well start his day, so he got dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and ate some oatmeal for breakfast.

            He was smiling like an idiot when he walked into the shop and of course Bobby noticed. “What’s got you all happy?” he asked.

            “Cas and I are officially boyfriends,” Dean said, his smile getting wider.

            “Like that’s news,” Bobby said, “anyone with eyes could see you two were heading there. I’m surprised it took you so long.”

            “Yeah, well, we’re taking things slow,” Dean said. “Now tell me what’s on the docket for today.”

            Bobby ran down the list of repairs they had scheduled and sent Dean to start on a Ford Fusion that needed an oil change. Dean didn’t particularly like performing something so simple, but he knew it’s what kept Bobby in business, so he really couldn’t complain.

            When the day was over, Dean felt disgusting. He ditched his coveralls scrubbed his hands almost raw and drove home. He showered quickly and stopped by the grocery store on his way to Cas’s house.

            He picked out a decent bottle of wine (nothing special but not the cheap stuff either) and paused as he passed the florist. _Cas likes flowers_ he thought. He picked out a single rose and paid for his purchases.

            When he finally got to Cas’s, it was already six. He knocked on the door and Cas answered it wearing an apron. “You’re adorable,” He said and then handed Cas the rose. “This is for you,” he said.

            “Thank you, Dean,” Cas said, stepping aside so he could come in. Dean smiled as he watched Cas smell the rose.

            “I also brought wine,” he said, “It’s a red so I think it goes with steak.”

            Cas laughed, “I’m not that picky about my wine.”

            “Good,” Dean said, “Because I know almost nothing about it.”

            Cas chuckled and led them into the kitchen. He put the rose in a glass of water and put the wine in the fridge. “The steaks are on the grill,” Cas said, “I also threw on a few ears of corn. Desert is in the oven,” He said, opening the door slightly to check the progress “Should be done any minute now.”

            “What is it?” Dean asked.

            “That’s a surprise,” Cas said with a smile. “Will you go check the steaks? You’re better with meat than I am.”

            “Sure,” Dean chuckled. He went out to the back porch and looked at the steaks. They were just about ready to be flipped so he stood out there for a few minutes, waiting for them to be perfect.

            Cas joined him just as he was rotating the corn. He wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist and kissed his neck. “How’s it coming?”

            “Just a little longer on this side,” Dean said, relaxing into Cas’s embrace.

            “Okay,” Cas said, smiling against Dean’s skin. “I still can’t get over how happy you make me.”

            “Me either,” Dean said, “I never expected to be this happy again, at least not after Cassie.”

            “Are you ever going to tell me what happened with her?” Cas asked, pulling away.

            “Maybe later,” Dean said, “but I will tell you eventually. I just…” a lot of endings filled his mind. _I’m afraid you’ll judge me for not being able to handle it. I’m afraid you’ll think I can’t handle us. I’m afraid talking about my ex will make you realize how shit I am at relationships._ He finally settled on “I’m not ready yet.”

            “That’s okay,” Cas said. “I understand.”

            Dean flipped the steaks. “I just feel bad because you told me about Crowley before we even started dating,” He said.

            “But you needed to know. I still don’t really _need_ to know about Cassie, I just want to because I care about you and your past has made you who you are, so I’m curious about your past. You don’t have to tell me though.”

            “Thank you, Cas,” Dean said, “That means a lot to me.”

            “Dean, I will never force you to talk about something unless I think it’s going to help us solve an issue in our relationship.”

            “Relationship,” Dean giggled slightly, “Still not used to that.”

            “Me either,” Cas admitted. They stood in silence for a while, waiting for the food to be done. When Dean finally plated up the meat and corn, the sun was setting and a chill was beginning to creep in.

            “Fall’s finally here,” he said, taking the plate of food inside. Cas followed.

            “Yeah, getting a bit nippy. Don’t think I’ll be using the grill much more this year.”

            “Unless you wanna freeze your ass off,” Dean said with a laugh and suddenly all the tension between them evaporated. Cas poured the wine as Dean took out plates and silverware. They sat at the table and had a fairly superficial conversation about their days, but the genuine interest was there and that’s all that mattered.

            Dean was pleasantly surprised that the desert was an apple pie. “It’s not homemade,” Cas admitted, “but I know it’s your favorite.”

            “Thanks,” Dean said, taking the plate Cas offered him. “All pie is good, and I wasn’t really expecting you to make any desert so…” He shrugged and began eating the pie.

            “My recipe is better though,” Cas said after taking his first bite.

            “I bet,” Dean said with a laugh. They finished the desert and Dean helped clear the table.

            “You wanna watch a movie?” Cas asked as he washed the dishes.

            “Sure,” Dean agreed.

            “You know where they are, pick one out.”

            “Okay,” Dean said, kissing Cas on the cheek.

 

            When the dishes were put away, Cas came into the living room to find the menu for “A New Hope” up on his screen. “Good choice,” he said, joining Dean on the couch.

            The cuddled together and started the movie. Cas was pretty comfortable with Dean’s arm around him and he fell asleep about half an hour into the film, his head falling against Dean’s shoulder. Dean smiled down at him and kissed his hair lightly.

            When the credits rolled, Dean gently shook Cas. “Movie’s over,” he said, somewhat sleepy himself.

            “Five more minutes,” Cas mumbled, burying his face in Dean’s shirt.

            “Oh no you don’t,” Dean said, “You can’t sleep through half our date and not wake up to kiss me goodnight.”

            “Who said you were leaving,” Cas argued, placing a kiss on Dean’s shoulder.

            “It’s almost ten,” Dean said, all the conviction gone from his voice.

            “So,” Cas said, sounding more awake as he kissed along Dean’s jaw.

            “Not tonight, okay?” Dean asked.

            Cas sat up. “I wasn’t suggesting…It’s a little early in the relationship for that,” he blushed, “I just meant you didn’t have to leave quite yet.”

            “Yeah,” Dean agreed, “Okay. I think it’s best if we take things slow. It’s been a while.”

            “For both of us,” Cas reminded him.

            “Yeah,” Dean said. He gave Cas a light kiss on the lips. “But while we’re on the subject, are you a top or a bottom?”

            “Does that matter to you?” Cas asked.

            “Well yeah,” Dean shrugged. “If we’re not sexually compatible…”

            Cas cut him off, “I’m a top,” he said. “I bottomed with Crowley though, so if you’re not comfortable…I know you haven’t done this before, so I’d be willing to work with you.”

            “I think…” Dean paused, “I think I want to bottom, at least the first time. I don’t want to mess anything up.”

            “I doubt you would,” Cas said, “but if you’d be more comfortable being more passive the first time, I’m okay with that. If you change your mind, let me know.”

            “Thank you, Cas,” Dean said, giving him another small kiss, “for everything.”

            “Of course, Dean,” Cas said, “I care about you a lot. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

            “Back at ya,” Dean smiled and kissed Cas again, this time longer and sweeter. It was a few seconds before they pulled away. “I really should go,” he said, “Early day tomorrow.”

            “Okay,” Cas said, making no attempt to move his hands from where they’ve settled on Dean’s hips.

            “I’m serious,” Dean said, “Bobby wants me in at seven to finish this tune up. It’s getting picked up at nine.”

            “Fine,” Cas said, moving his hands, “But you’re making it up to me.”

            “I’ll take you out to the Roadhouse for burgers this weekend,” Dean agreed.

            “Deal,” Cas said giving Dean one last kiss before walking him to the door.

            “Thanks for everything, Cas. I mean it.”

            “Of course, Dean. I had a good time tonight, I’m glad you did as well.”

            Dean made a move to leave but turned back and pulled Cas into a long, lingering kiss with just a little tongue. “Goodnight.”

            “Goodnight,” Cas said, slightly stunned. Being Dean’s boyfriend was definitely going to take some getting used to, but Cas was happy just the same.


	14. Chapter 14

            Dean was proud of himself for being so open with Cas about sex. He normally didn’t discuss sex like that, working through potential issues before they came up. He knew it was important; otherwise they would end up in the heat of the moment trying to figure out who was doing what.

            He fell asleep that night thinking about Cas. Now that they at least had a vague plan for when they did finally sleep together, he was thinking more and more about how sex with Cas would be.

            He dreamt that Cas was dominating him. He was tied up, spread eagle on the bed. Cas was fingering him open, teasing his prostate. He leaned down and took him in his mouth. Dean woke up mid-orgasm, his underwear sticky and his body still twitching. He hadn’t cum in his sleep in a long time and the thought that just dreaming about Cas was enough to make him do it made Dean blush. He had fallen harder for Cas than he had ever expected to, and he couldn’t be happier about it.

 

            Cas had a rather different reaction. He couldn’t sleep. He was worried that he was going to push Dean to move too fast or that Dean wouldn’t like sex with him. Maybe Cas would be so bad at pleasing Dean that Dean just gave up.

            And then there was the more emotional part of it. What if he thought he was ready and then freaked out on Dean at the last minute. What if he thought about Crowley during, how would he explain something like that to Dean?

            Deep down he knew that Dean would understand, that Dean wasn’t going to let something like that get between them, but it was hard not to worry about it.

            When his alarm went off, he had gotten about four hours of sleep and he was exhausted. He got dressed and downed a cup of coffee before filling a travel mug and heading out to work. Luckily, his day was pretty simple, he just had to balance the books for a company that was pretty well-organized. It took him most of the day but didn’t require much brain power.

            When he got home, he took off his coat and tie and climbed back into bed, hoping to get a nap. He slept for about half an hour before his phone rang and woke him up.

            “Hello?” he answered the phone groggily.

            “Hey, Cas, it’s Dean.”

            “Hey, Dean,” Cas said, a smile spreading on his face, “What’s up?”

            “Just wanted to talk to you,” Dean said.

            “About what?”

            “Anything,” Dean said, sounding eager.

            “Well, I slept very poorly last night,” Cas said, “I was taking a nap.”

            “Did I wake you up?” Dean asked, sounding worried.

            “Yeah, but it’s okay,” Cas assured him, “I need to eat something anyway.”

            “You want me to bring you something?” Dean asked.

            “No thank you,” Cas said, “I plan on going to bed quite early tonight, so it wouldn’t make much sense for you to come over.”

            “Okay,” Dean said, sounding a little sad. “We’re still on for this weekend though, right?”

            “Of course,” Cas said, “Did you want to go on Friday or Saturday?”

            “Friday would be best,” Dean said, “I told Jo I’d take her shopping on Saturday.”

            “Well that’s nice of you,” Cas said, finally standing up and making his way to the kitchen.

            “Well I kinda owe her,” Dean explained, “She house sat for me when I took Sammy out to Stanford. Haven’t paid her back yet.”

            “Well, I’m sure you’ll have a nice time,” Cas said, searching through his fridge for leftovers to eat.

            “I always have fun with Jo,” Dean said, “She’s like the little sister I never knew I wanted.”

            Cas finally settled on some pasta from a few days ago, heating it up and eating it while he continued to talk to Dean. They talked about Jo some more and then somehow got to talking about how Cas was saving up for a piano.

            “Like an actual real piano?” Dean asked.

            “Yes, Dean,” Cas said, “I have my eye on this beautiful upright in that music store downtown. I just can’t quite justify paying for it yet.”

            “I can understand that,” Dean said, “I had to save up a lot to fix my baby.”

            “You’re talking about your car, right?” Cas asked with a laugh.

            “No,” Dean said sarcastically, “I have a kid and got them plastic surgery.”

            Cas laughed. “I should go sleep,” he said, noticing it was already nine.

            “Okay,” Dean said, “hope tonight’s better.”

            “Thanks, Dean,” Cas said, “I’ll see you Friday.”


	15. Chapter 15

            Cas wound up getting sick and being stuck in bed for the rest of the week. Dean came over with tomato and rice soup Friday night and Cas thanked him. “You shouldn’t be here, though,” he said, “I don’t want you to get sick.”

            “I never get sick,” Dean said proudly, “haven’t had more than a slight cold since I was a kid.”

            “All the same, I’m afraid I’m not very good company right now.”

            “I don’t care,” Dean said, kissing him on the forehead.

            “Honestly, I’ve been in bed all day,” Cas said, “I don’t think I could get out even if I wanted to.”

            “When was the last time you showered?” Dean asked, “I always feel better after I get cleaned up.”

            “Yeah, that might help,” Cas said, “maybe tomorrow morning.” His eyes drifted closed and they both fell silent for a few long moments. “I’m serious, Dean,” Cas said, “I’m probably going to fall asleep soon anyway.”

            “Okay,” Dean said, noting that it was already almost 9, “I’ll be back tomorrow after shopping with Jo. If you want me to bring you something, let me know.”

            “Okay,” Cas said quietly, “thank you again for the soup. It was very good.”

            “Thanks,” Dean said, standing up, “my mom used to make it for me when I was sick. Always made me feel better.”

            “It means a lot that you would do this for me,” Cas said, opening his eyes to watch Dean.

            “I wanted to come yesterday, but I couldn’t find the time. I hope you feel better soon.”

            “Thank you,” Cas said, “I am starting to recover. It will probably be a few days until I’m back to normal, but I’ll be fine.”

            “Get some rest, I’ll see you tomorrow,” Dean said, leaning in and kissing Cas’s cheek.

            “Goodnight, Dean,” Cas said and watched as Dean left. He sighed and slid back down in bed, turning off the lights before snuggling under the covers. He fell asleep quickly and didn’t wake up until the sun came in through the window the next morning.

 

            He felt well enough to shower and change into clean sweat pants and a t-shirt. He was a little cold yet, so he threw on a sweatshirt and went to the kitchen to make some toast. He managed to handle the toast fairly well, and then poured himself a glass of ginger ale. He sat on the couch and sipped at it, watching a marathon of Doctor Sexy on TV.

            Dean came over around five, bringing more soup with him. “I made a lot,” he explained with a shrug. He heated up two bowls of it in the microwave and joined Cas on the couch. “Feeling better?” he asked.

            “I am, thank you,” Cas said, “I’m sorry about last night. I didn’t mean to kick you out.”

            “No, you didn’t, really,” Dean said, “You needed rest, I understand.”

            “Well, and I didn’t want to get you sick,” Cas reminded him, “but I realize that was never going to change your mind.”

            “Yeah, not so much,” Dean laughed and then shushed Cas when the show came back on.

            “You like this show, huh?” Cas asked.

            “Shhh…” Dean said again, reaching for the remote and turning up the volume.

            Cas quietly ate his soup until the next commercial break. “What was that about?” he asked.

            “What do you mean?”

            “You shushed me.”

            “Because you were talking over the show,” Dean said.

            “You’re that invested in Doctor Sexy?” Cas asked.

            “Yes, actually, I am,” Dean said. “You do not want to be around when I watch new episodes.”

            “I’ll make a note of that,” Cas laughed.

            They spent the rest of the day not doing much else. Cas dozed off once or twice against Dean’s shoulder and Dean let him, smiling fondly at him when his congestion caused him to snort. He couldn’t resist stealing a few kisses as he watched him during the commercial breaks.

            Around nine, Dean woke Cas gently from his latest nap and said he was going to head home. “Let you get some more rest,” he said, kissing his forehead. “You think you’ll be up for church tomorrow?”

            “Probably not,” Cas said, “I should probably call Becky and let her know.”

            “Okay,” Dean said, “I’ll be over after.”

            “You don’t have to,” Cas said.

            “But I want to,” Dean said, “now go to bed.”

            “Yes, sir,” Cas said sarcastically. He walked Dean to the door and then went upstairs. He called Becky.

            “Hey, Cas,” she said and Cas almost cringed at her enthusiasm.

            “Hello, Becky,” Cas said, “I’m just calling to let you know that I’m still sick and won’t be able to come to church tomorrow.”

            “Oh,” Becky said, “I’m sorry to hear that, but you just rest and get better. I’ll play tomorrow, no problem.”

            “Thanks, Becky,” Cas said, “I would have told you sooner, but I was really expecting to feel better by now.”

            “Yeah, I understand. Have you seen the doctor?”

            “Not yet, but I think I should probably go in if I’m not better on Monday.”

            “Yeah, take care of yourself, Cas.”

            “Thanks, Becky. I’ll see you Wednesday.”

            “Yeah, see ya,” Becky said and then hung up. Cas settled back into the pillows, smelling Dean’s scent lingering on his clothes. He fell asleep easily and didn’t wake up until 10 the next morning.

            He didn’t feel a whole lot better, but he also didn’t feel worse, so he decided to consider it a win. He made himself some more toast and waited for Dean to get there. There was no Doctor Sexy on that day, so Cas settled for an old spaghetti western. He laughed a little bit at the terrible dubbing, but reminded himself that Dean liked these movies so he probably should at least make an effort. They weren’t really that bad, story-wise, so he decided he could look past the production flaws.

            Dean brought lunch with him when he came. “I hope you’re feeling up to ham and cheese,” he said, setting the Subway bag down on the coffee table.

            “Sounds good,” Cas said, taking the 6 inch sub from the bag and unwrapping it. “Thank you,” he added.

            “No problem,” Dean said, “I’m just glad you’re starting to feel better.”

            “Me too,” Cas said, “I’ll probably go into work tomorrow. It’s not like my job is terribly strenuous and I didn’t even fall asleep yet today.”

            Dean laughed and Cas found himself falling for him just a little more.


	16. Chapter 16

            The first time Cas realized that he loved Dean, they were driving to the ice skating rink. It had just recently become cold enough for it to open and Dean insisted that Cas had to at least try ice skating.

            Dean had an easy smile on his face as he drove. He was talking about the merits of classic rock and Cas couldn’t help but smile at his enthusiasm. He looked at Dean and just thought, “I love this man.” It took him by surprise and he was a little worried. What if Dean didn’t love him back? What if Dean thought it was too early for Cas to feel that way? And what if Cas only thought he loved Dean because it had been so long since he’d loved someone and he forgot what it felt like.

            Cas shook his head at the last thought. He knew love and he did love Dean. He was totally in love with Dean Winchester and that scared him. Scared him because he was ready to tell Dean and knew that Dean was probably not quite there yet. He counted in his head. It had been three months since their first date, two since they became an actual couple. It wasn’t long, but Cas thought it was long enough to know, to be sure of his feelings.

            They got to the rink and Cas felt a little nervous about skating for the first time, especially when he saw all the children and teenagers who already seemed quite proficient. “Do I have to?” Cas asked.

            “Of course you do,” Dean said, “Don’t worry, I’ll help you. I won’t let you fall.”

            “That’s not it,” Cas said, looking at the crowd, “It’s just, there’s a lot of people here.”

            “Don’t worry about them,” Dean said, “They’re not going to judge you. Just relax, it’ll be fun.”

            “If you say so, Dean,” Cas said, leaning down to tie the laces on his skates. When he and Dean both had their skates on, Dean stood and offered him a hand. “Walking’s actually harder than skating, I think,” he warned, “but it’s not too hard.”

            Cas took Dean’s hand and pulled himself up, wobbling a bit as he tried to balance on the blades. “See?” Dean said, “It’s not so hard.” Cas took a few tiny steps. He gained some confidence and started walking more normally, still clinging to Dean’s hand like a lifeline as he walked along the concrete to the rink.

            They made it without incident and Dean stepped out onto the ice and turned to Cas, urging him to come along. Cas stepped gingerly onto the ice and gasped slightly when his skate slid. “That’s supposed to happen,” Dean assured him, “It’s fine.”

            Cas placed his other foot onto the ice and slid into Dean. “I’ve got you,” Dean promised, helping Cas regain his balance.

            “Thank you, Dean,” Cas said, righting himself. Dean let him go, taking his hand once again. Cas slid one foot forward and then the other, smiling. “I’m doing it,” he said.

            “Yup,” Dean said, “you’re doing great.” Cas kept going, making a complete circle around the rink, holding Dean’s hand.

            “I wanna try it myself,” Cas said, releasing Dean’s hand and moving a few feet on shaky feet. He got his bearings and glided smoothly around the rink. “I did it!” He said excitedly when he met up with Dean.

            Dean giggled, “Yeah, you did,” he said with a smile. “I love you.”

            Cas was so surprised that he lost his balance and fell onto his butt. Dean helped him up. “You okay?”

            “Yeah,” Cas said and then after looking at Dean for a few minutes asked, “did you just say you love me?”

            “I did,” Dean said with a smile.

            “I love you too,” Cas said, pulling Dean in for a kiss. Dean returned the kiss until they were both smiling so widely it could barely be considered a kiss anymore.

            “Wanna go around again?” Dean asked, taking Cas’s hand.

            “Yeah,” Cas said, giving his boyfriend’s hand a squeeze.

            They skated together like that for a while until Cas complained about being cold. Dean drove them to Cas’s house and they ordered in Chinese and watched some crime drama they found on TV. Neither of them could stop smiling and they touched each other at every opportunity.

            “We’re in love,” Cas said with a chuckle.

            “Yeah,” Dean said, “It’s weird.”

            “But a good weird,” Cas confirmed.

            “Definitely good,” Dean agreed, giving Cas a kiss.

            “To be honest though,” Cas said, “I’m kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

            “I’m not going anywhere,” Dean said.

            “Not necessarily with you,” Cas said, “just…my life is so good right now, I’m happier than I’ve ever been and I can’t help but think that something’s got to give.”

            “It doesn’t have to,” Dean said, “sometimes good things happen. I’ll admit I’m not used to them happening to me, but I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.”

            “You’re right,” Cas said shaking his head, “I’m being paranoid.”

            “It’s okay,” Dean said, placing a hand on his thigh, “I get that way sometimes too.”

            “Aren’t we quite the pair,” Cas laughed.

            “Yeah, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

            Cas kissed him lightly. “It’s getting late,” he said.

            “Yeah,” Dean agreed, “I should probably get home.”

            “I’ll see you tomorrow?” Cas asked.

            “Of course,” Dean said, standing up. Cas walked him to the door and gave him a kiss after he got his coat and boots on. “Love you,” Dean said.

            “Love you too,” Cas said, straightening Dean’s hat, “sleep well.”

            “You too,” Dean said, heading out to his car. Cas watched him get into the Impala and smiled fondly. He closed the door as Dean drove away and sighed. He went to bed that night thinking about how happy he was and how happy Dean seemed. He slept better than he had in a long time.


	17. Chapter 17

            Over the next few days, Cas realized that his house was showing more and more signs of his relationship. Framed pictures of himself and Dean filled the empty spaces on his bookshelves, flowers from Dean proudly stood in the middle of the table (the second time Dean brought him flowers, he got a vase as well), the fridge almost always held Dean’s favorite beer, and little trinkets from Dean littered the top of his dresser (the perfectly heart-shaped pebble Dean had found on a walk, the napkin rose Dean made at the roadhouse, and other little things Dean had gotten because he thought Cas might like them). Cas wondered when Dean had become so ingrained in his life and why he was just noticing these things now. Maybe it was their finally declaring their love for each other that shed a light on all these little things, or maybe Cas was just finally seeing things clearly because he knew how Dean felt about him.

            Cas was happier than he had ever been and the only thing that could make it better was taking that next step and finally sleeping with Dean. They were sitting on Dean’s couch when he brought it up.

            “Dean, I love you, you know that right?”

            “Of course I do,” Dean said.

            “I think it’s time we took the next step in the physical side of our relationship,” Cas said.

            “I thought you’d never ask,” Dean said, a wide smile spreading on his face.

            “This weekend?” Cas asked, “I have to pick up some…things.”

            Dean laughed, “Yeah, all mine expired like a month ago.”

            “Besides,” Cas said, “I want to have the time to do this properly and I want you to stay over.”

            “Of course,” Dean said, “Should I pick something up for dinner?”

            “That’d be great,” Cas said with a smile. They planned out their weekend and Cas trudged off through the snow around ten, smiling the whole way home.

 

            Saturday came and Cas went to the store, picking up some condoms and a bottle of lube (his was running low). When he got home he cleaned up the house and put some clean sheets on the bed. He knew Dean wasn’t going to care about things like candles and rose petals but he still wanted to make it special.

            Dean came over around six with pizza and breadsticks. “Are you sure this is a good idea?” Cas asked, “I’m going to have such bad breath.”

            “I don’t care,” Dean said, “we can brush our teeth.”

            Cas laughed as they sat down at the table. Cas felt himself getting more and more nervous as they ate. When they were done and all the leftovers were put away, Cas turned to Dean. “Are you sure about this?”

            “Of course I am,” Dean said, placing a hand on Cas’s face. “Cas, I love you and I trust you and I want this. I’ve wanted it for a long time. I’m glad we’ve waited, but it’s time.”

            “You’re right,” Cas said, turning his head to kiss Dean’s palm. “I’m ready. We’re ready.”

            Dean took Cas’s hand and led him upstairs to the bedroom. “Did you put on clean sheets for me?” he asked with a laugh as Cas turned down the bed.

            “Yeah,” Cas said, blushing.

            “I love you,” Dean said, capturing Cas’s lips with a kiss.

            Dean pushed him onto the bed and they kissed for a long time, just enjoying the other person, running their hands along the other’s body, not caring that they were both still fully dressed until their erections were painfully confined in their pants.

            Cas slid Dean’s shirt off and kissed the new expanse of skin he found there. Dean laid on the bed, letting Cas take care of him and panting his boyfriend’s name. Dean’s pants and underpants followed quickly and Cas looked up at him from between his legs. “Are you still okay?” he asked.

            “Yeah,” Dean said, slightly breathless.

            “You’re amazing,” Cas said, licking along the length of Dean’s cock. “You’re beautiful, every inch of you.” He kissed the head and then slowly took it into his mouth. Dean moaned and tangled his hands in Cas’s hair.

            “Cas,” he gasped as he flicked his tongue across the slit.

            Cas pulled off and took off his own clothes before kissing Dean again, their naked bodies touching and sliding against each other. It felt amazing, but Cas needed more. “Can I prepare you?” he asked.

            “Please,” Dean said, slightly breathless.

            Cas pulled the lube from the drawer and coated his fingers before slowly sliding one into Dean’s waiting hole.

            Dean sighed happily at the feeling of Cas’s finger inside him. He wiggled around, trying to direct Cas’s finger where he wanted it. Cas took his time stretching Dean open, slowly opening him up and teasing him, lightly brushing against his prostate or tugging on his rim.

            “Cas please,” Dean said, “I’m ready. I need you inside me.”

            Cas pulled his fingers free and slid on a condom, swiping some lube over his cock before lining up with Dean’s hole. “I love you,” he said, gently kissing Dean as he slid in.

            Cas kissed Dean lightly anywhere his lips could touch as he slowly rocked into him. Their bodies rolled together and Cas had never felt more whole, more complete than when he was inside of Dean.

            “Cas,” Dean moaned loudly, “I’m so close.”

            “That’s it, Dean,” Cas said, slowly stroking his cock, “let go.”

            Dean came with a choked-off sound that resembled a sob and Cas followed shortly after, collapsing next to Dean. They laid in silence for a few minutes, catching their breath. “So?” Cas asked, “how was it?”

            “Amazing,” Dean said, rolling onto his side to face Cas.

            Cas looked at Dean. “Yeah, it was. You were perfect.”

            “So were you,” Dean said, kissing Cas.

            “We should get cleaned up,” Cas pointed out.

            “Yeah, okay,” Dean said, making no move to get up.

            “Or I could go get a wash cloth and clean you up.”

            “I like that idea better,” Dean said, falling onto his back and closing his eyes. “I’m sleepy.”

            “Okay,” Cas said, standing up. He took off the condom and threw it away before going to the bathroom. He cleaned himself off and then returned to the bed where Dean was already breathing slowly and steadily.

            He slowly wiped the cum from Dean’s stomach and soft cock, tossing the rag aside and climbing back into bed. He pulled the covers up and kissed Dean’s cheek. “I love you,” he whispered, “so much.”

            He turned off the light and snuggled closer to Dean, falling asleep easily with his warmth against him.

 

            Cas woke up to the sun streaming through the window and Dean’s arm draped across his chest. He kissed Dean’s hair and felt him stir slightly. “Cas?” he asked groggily.

            “Hey,” Cas said, running a hand down Dean’s back, “how’d you sleep?”

            “Great,” Dean said, tightening his arm around Cas. “How do you feel?”

            “Amazing,” Cas said, honestly. “It feels so good to wake up next to someone I love.”

            “Yeah,” Dean agreed, placing a kiss on Cas’s shoulder. “Do we have to get up?”

            “Not yet,” Cas said, “but I was going to make you breakfast.”

            “It can wait,” Dean said, nuzzling closer. Cas smiled and kissed Dean’s head again. He looked at the clock and saw that it was already 9:30.

            “What do you want for breakfast?” Cas asked.

            “Eggs,” Dean said, “sunny side up, and loads of bacon.”

            “Coffee?” Cas asked.

            “Duh,” Dean said. Cas extracted himself from Dean’s embrace and threw on some sweatpants and a t-shirt before going downstairs to make breakfast. He brought the food up to Dean on a tray.

            “So I get amazing sex _and_ breakfast in bed,” he said, standing up, “what did I do to deserve you?”

            “I know that was a rhetorical question,” Cas said, “but you loved me. You pulled me out of a bad place and let me in when I know it was hard for you. You are an amazing person and you deserve so much more than I can give to you.”

            Dean shook his head sadly. “Cas,” he said, “I love you so much, and I’m so messed up that I thought I’d never find happiness again. I can’t begin to tell you how much you’ve done for me and I don’t deserve an ounce of it.”

            “You don’t think you deserve to be loved?” Cas said. “Oh, Dean,” He pulled Dean into a tight embrace and kissed his forehead.

            They stayed like that for a few moments before Cas pulled away. “Your food’s getting cold.” They ate their food in near silence, both of them thinking about how the other had changed their life for the better.


	18. Chapter 18

            Later, as they were watching some cheesy rom com on TV, Dean took a deep breath. “I think it’s time I tell you what happened between me and Cassie.”

            “Are you sure?” Cas asked.

            “Cas, it’s been months,” Dean pointed out, “and I think it might help me to talk about it. Might help me feel better about the whole damn thing.”

            “Okay,” Cas said, “If you want to tell me, I’ll listen.”

            “She dumped me,” Dean began simply.

            “I figured,” Cas said.

            “It was because I was a mess,” Dean continued. “After my dad died, I wasn’t coping so well. I thought it was my fault.”

            Cas sat in silence, allowing Dean to get through his story.

            “Cassie kept trying to convince me it wasn’t. The guy who hit us was jacked up on speed, we were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I know this now, but at the time, it was hard to wrap my head around it because I was the one behind the wheel.

            “I wasn’t getting better. She tried to get me to talk about it, but I kept insisting I was fine. She knew I wasn’t, but she let me work through it on my own for a while.”

            Dean was silent for a long time before Cas asked gently, “What happened next?”

            “She got sick of my shit,” Dean said. “I started drinking, stopped talking to her about anything remotely important, and basically became a real douche bag. I knew I was pushing her away, but I couldn’t pull my head out of my ass enough to just talk to her. She walked out and left me drunk and stupid and alone.”

            “What happened after that?” Cas asked, placing a hand gently on Dean’s thigh.

            “If it weren’t for Sammy, I don’t know what would have happened,” Dean admitted. “He was living with Bobby because I was such a mess. He told me he got into Stanford and when I realized that I didn’t even know he had been applying to colleges, I knew something had to change. So I got into AA, tried to be there for Sam, take a real interest in his life, you know?”

            “Yeah,” Cas said.

            “I wound up quitting AA though,” Dean said, “I couldn’t deal with their all or nothing approach to sobriety.”

            “I wasn’t going to ask…” Cas said.

            “But I’m telling you,” Dean said. “I feel like I have control over my drinking. I don’t need it anymore, but I still want it. Sometimes it’s nice to give up control. Don’t worry though; I always do it in a safe environment, almost never alone. I don’t have a problem anymore.”

            “I believe you,” Cas said, taking Dean’s hand, “But now that I know, I’m probably going to be a little more protective of you around alcohol. Just try to remember, if I say something, it’s only because I care about you.”

            “I know,” Dean said, “Bobby, Ellen, and Jo are the same way. They look out for me. And I’m not expecting any less from you.”

            Cas smiled and squeezed Dean’s hand. “I love you.”

            “Love you too,” Dean said, kissing Cas.

 

            After that, Dean felt better about their relationship. The final wall between them had been taken down and Cas was fully a part of Dean’s life. Cas knew things about him that almost no one else knew. Cas knew him in the most intimate ways possible and he still loved him, exactly the way he was.

            Things continued to develop between them. Dean learned more little things about Cas, like the way he ran his hand through his hair first thing in the morning, or the way he sometimes forgot to take his socks off before getting into bed. The little things that made him Cas.

            He also learned all the spots on Cas’s body that made him tremble with need, knew how to get him off quickly and how to make it so good for him but last for hours. He had seen Cas naked and half-naked and dressed up and dressed down and everything in between.

            And Cas had seen him the same way. It was weird to think that this man was still so interested in him after he had seen him vulnerable and exposed and learned so many less-than-nice things about him, but he supposed that was love.

            And he did love Cas, more than he had ever loved anyone else and it was scary because he didn’t want to ruin it. Didn’t want to lose what they had, didn’t want to lose the only person who wasn’t family and still loved him after knowing how he handled his dad’s death.

            They were sitting on Dean’s couch when he told Cas as much. “It kind of terrifies me a little,” he admitted.

            “It scares me too,” Cas said, “but I think that’s part of what makes this so exciting. There are no certainties in this world, but that’s what makes it worth living. The fact that things can change so quickly, it makes you appreciate what you have while you have it.”

            “Well,” Dean said, “I appreciate the hell out of you.”

            “Back at you,” Cas said, pulling Dean in for a slow kiss. “I love you so much,” he mumbled against his lips.

            “Love you too,” Dean said. “Do you want to stay over tonight?”

            “Yeah,” Cas said with a smile, “I’d love to.”

            They went upstairs and stripped down slowly. “Do you want to top tonight?” Cas asked, like he did every time they slept together.

            Dean declined again, simply saying “not this time.” Cas laid him out on the bed and stretched him open slowly before sliding in. It was how this always went and as amazing as sex with Cas was, Dean kind of wished they would switch things up, do something different. That was why he didn’t want to top; he was afraid he’d do something Cas wasn’t okay with and scare him off.

            It was hard to be upset at the repetition though when Cas was thrusting into him and he was being driven wild with pleasure. It always felt so good with Cas, better than sex had ever felt with anyone else. He didn’t want to ruin it.

            As they laid there afterwards in the hazy glow of their orgasms, Cas gently tracing patterns on his skin, Dean thought about everything they had gone through. Cas was the first person that he had waited to have sex with. He cared about him so much that he didn’t rush into anything with him and that had been what made their relationship work. The fact that he was willing to move at Cas’s pace, that he never pushed Cas to do anything he wasn’t comfortable with. So he decided he wasn’t going to say anything. He was going to go on with their sex life exactly the way it was because it worked and it’s what Cas wanted and he would do anything to make Cas happy.

            He fell asleep thinking about it, but also thinking about how happy Cas had made him and how deeply he felt for him. He definitely wasn’t going to push Cas to change anything.


	19. Chapter 19

            Cas went to visit his brother for Christmas toward the middle of December. He asked Dean if he would like to come with, but Dean was expecting Sam home from Stanford at the same time. “He’s here for almost a month,” Dean said as he sat on Cas’s bed, watching him pack, “I can’t wait for you to meet him.”

            “Me either,” Cas said, “but I have to survive Christmas with Gabe first.”

            “Is he really that bad?”

            “I wouldn’t say ‘bad,’ more…energetic,” Cas explained. “He has a big personality and it can be a lot to handle.”

            “I think I could deal with it,” Dean said.

            “I’m sure you could,” Cas said, “but you wouldn’t be happy about it.”

            “And you wanted me to come with you?” Dean laughed. “Why are you celebrating Christmas so early anyway?”

            “Gabriel likes to go to Hawaii for Christmas and his flight leaves on the twentieth. This worked best for him and I could get off work.”

            “Why does he go to Hawaii?” Dean asked.

            “It’s warm and he doesn’t have to think about the fact that he’s spending Christmas alone,” Cas said, “His words, not mine.”

            “So he’d rather spend the actual holiday alone than with you?” Dean asked, “That’s odd.”

            “I don’t think it’s that, exactly,” Cas said. “The past four years, I’ve had Crowley and now I have you. Gabriel isn’t good at dealing with that. He wants me to be able to spend the holiday with the person I love. I’ve tried inviting him before, but he’s always declined. I think he’d feel like a third wheel.”

            “Oh,” Dean said simply. “But Sam’s going to be here this year, not to mention Bobby, Ellen and Jo. It’s not like he’d be the only one with the two of us.”

            “But we all know each other. He doesn’t. He’d feel awkward,” Cas tried to explain. He loved his brother but sometimes it was hard to understand his behavior. “I’m not saying it makes sense, but it’s how he feels, and I respect that.”

            Dean nodded. “I get it,” he said, “maybe I can go with you some other time to meet him.”

            “I think he’d like that,” Cas said with a smile, zipping up his suitcase.

 

            Dean spent the night because he was driving Cas to the airport. It was one of the rare nights where they spent the night together but didn’t have sex. Cas fell asleep thinking about how nice it was to just have Dean’s warmth next to him, to be able to pull him close and kiss his hair, to have Dean’s breath against his cheek be the last thing he felt before falling asleep.

            The alarm woke them up at 5:30 and Cas groggily got dressed in sweat pants and a t-shirt, making sure to wear comfortable shoes that he could easily slip off when he went through security.

            Dean did the same and they drank coffee standing in the kitchen, both deciding it was too early to eat anything. They were on the road by 6:15 and Cas did his best to stay awake for the half-hour drive.

            When Dean left Cas at the gate, he kissed him goodbye sweetly, not letting him go as he said, “I’ll miss you.”

            “I’ll miss you too,” Cas said, “but I’ll be home before you know it.”

            Dean blushed, “I know, but a week is a long time.”

            “It’s not so long,” Cas said, “I know it’s the longest we’ve been apart since we started dating, but I think we can handle it.”

            “You’ll just have to make it up to me when you get back,” Dean teased, a promise in his voice.

            “I will,” Cas agreed, kissing Dean again. “I’ll see you next Friday.”

            “Looking forward to it.” Dean let Cas go and watched him walk to the gate. He sighed quietly and walked back to the car. It was going to be a long week, but at least Sam would be there for part of it.

 

            Cas touched down in New York a few hours later and was greeted at the gate by Gabriel. “Hey, baby brother,” He said, pulling Cas into a tight hug.

            “Hi Gabriel,” Cas greeted him, “How are you?”

            “I’m good,” Gabe said, letting Cas go with a clap on his back, “You?”

            “I’m very good,” Cas said with a smile.

            “It’s too bad your boyfriend couldn’t make it,” Gabe said.

            “You know he has a name,” Cas said.

            “Of course I know that _Dean_ has a name,” Gabe said, “but you’ll forgive me if I don’t think it’s going to last.”

            “Gabe, we’ve been together for months now,” Cas said, leading the way to baggage claim. “I don’t think he’s going anywhere. I know I’m not.”

            “Cas, I know how hard it was for you to get over Crowley. I know you weren’t over him when you moved out to South Dakota, and then after a few weeks there you’ve found some guy and are head-over-heels for him. I’m sorry, but that sounds like a rebound, and rebounds never last.”

            “Dean it not a rebound,” Cas said, “We’ve had this conversation already, I don’t know why you’re bringing it up again.”

            “Because I care about you, Castiel,” Gabe said softly as Cas pulled his suitcase off the carousal, “I don’t want you to get hurt again.”

            “Dean’s not going to hurt me,” Cas said, “And if he does, that’s not your problem.”

            “It’s my problem because you’re my little brother. I’m supposed to look out for you.”

            “Then why did you move away?” Cas asked, barely keeping himself from shouting as they walked to the parking structure. “Why do I only ever see you once a year?”

            “Cas,” Gabriel sighed, “We’ve talked about this.”

            “Yeah, yeah,” Cas said, “You wanted to work on Broadway, which you are, so congrats on that, but you know you get vacation time, and so do I. We could visit each other more often, but anytime I bring it up, you say you can’t.”

            “I work awful hours,” Gabe said, “I don’t want you stuck in my apartment without me.”

            “It’s not like there’s nothing to do in New York,” Cas said, opening the car door.

            “I just don’t want you to disturb your life for what would undoubtedly be a shitty vacation,” Gabe said, “Christmas is the time of year I take off, everyone’s come to expect it. It’s easier this way.”

            “Easy doesn’t always mean good,” Cas said as they pulled away from the airport.

            The silence hung around them for the rest of the ride to Gabriel’s apartment. Neither of them really knew what to say. Cas would have felt awkward, but he was used to this feeling around Gabe. They always managed to fight at some point in their visits, but it wasn’t normally this early in the trip. He pulled out his phone and let Dean know he had made it safely.

            “Do you want to order in or go out for dinner?” Gabriel asked as Cas put his suitcase in the guest room.

            “I don’t really care,” Cas answered.

            “Let’s just order in then,” Gabe said, “I’m tired.”

            “Okay,” Cas said, coming out to sit on the couch with his brother.

            “I’m sorry,” Gabriel said, “I shouldn’t judge your relationship with Dean. I’m just glad you’ve found someone who makes you happy.”

            Cas heard the unspoken jealousy in Gabriel’s voice and placed a hand on his shoulder. “You’ll find someone,” he said, “I know you will.”

            “Thanks, Cas,” Gabriel smiled at him. “How’s the new job, anyway?”

            Cas shrugged. “Accounting’s not exactly exciting,” he said, “but I know it and I’m good at it. How’s the show coming?”

            “Previews start a week after I get back from Hawaii,” Gabriel said, “It’s a good thing we have an assistant stage manager or I wouldn’t have been able to get off.”

            “I’m really proud of you,” Cas said, “I don’t say it enough, but you wanted to tech on Broadway and you’re a stage manager for what’s sure to be an awesome show. I’m proud of you.”

            “Thanks, Cas,” Gabriel smiled, “that means a lot.”

            They ordered in Chinese and ate it on the couch while watching some buddy cop movie Gabriel insisted Cas “Had to see.” It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t exactly Cas’s cup of tea either.

            “I don’t understand how you can work on such amazing, beautifully written shows and then come home and watch this stuff.”

            “Because I spend my days around pretentious snobs who only ever talk about theater and as much as I love theater, sometimes it’s nice to shut my brain down for a while.”

            “I guess that makes sense,” Cas said.

            “What,” Gabe said, “You don’t do that?”

            “It’s pretty easy for me to shut off my brain. I have my music,” he paused before adding, “and Dean.”

            “Dean helps you shut off your brain?” Gabe asked.

            “Well,” Cas said, “Not exactly shut it off. I can’t really explain it. It’s more like it’s easier to think when I’m around him. I don’t need to try so hard, you know?”

            “Not having experienced that, no I can’t say that I do.”

            “Yeah, sorry,” Cas said.

            “Don’t be,” Gabe said, “He’s a part of your life. You’re going to talk about him.”

            When the movie was over and they had taken care of lunch, Gabriel had to go to work.

            “I’ll be back late, but I’m all yours tomorrow.”

            “Don’t worry about it,” Cas said, “I can take care of myself.”

            “I know you can,” Gabe said and he left Cas alone for the rest of the day.


	20. Chapter 20

            Cas had already seen all the tourist attractions in New York, so he spent the afternoon in Gabe’s apartment. He killed some time on his computer for a bit, but he wound up reading some of Becky’s new fanfictions and found himself getting hard. He knew he would be alone for a long time, so he went into the guest room, stripped down and situated himself at the head of the bed, sitting up against the headboard.

            He pictured Dean standing at the foot of the bed, watching him. His cock twitched in interest. _Touch your chest_ the imaginary Dean said, _feel every inch of yourself, but don’t touch your cock yet._

            Cas ran his hands over his chest, pausing to pinch at his nipples. He moved them down over his abdomen and hips before moving onto his thighs, gently squeezing there and scratching with his nails. In his mind he pictured Dean, eyes intent as he watched, a noticeable bulge in his pants.

            It had taken Cas a while to be comfortable thinking about Dean as he masturbated, but now that he did it, it was so much better. _I want you to cum without using your hands_ he imagined Dean saying, _think you can do that?_ Cas moaned and took the pillow out from behind his back. He slid a condom on so he didn’t make a mess and situated himself over the pillow, his ass in their air so that the fictional Dean could see his hole.

            He lowered himself down and rolled his hips against the pillow, trying to find a particularly comfortable angle. He gasped out loud when he found it, keeping up a muttered string of “yes, god, fuck,” as he thrust against it. He imagined that after he cums, Dean stretches him open and slides into him, keeping the pillow beneath him. He’d push through the over-sensitivity and get hard again because Dean had planned it that way.

            He kept thrusting, reaching a hand back and rubbing a dry finger over his hole. “Oh god,” he moaned, feeling himself reach his peak. He slid the finger in slightly, relishing in the dry friction. He gave it a few pumps and then came hard, shouting Dean’s name into the mattress.

 

            He rolled onto his back and chucked the condom into the trash. He took his phone and typed out a message to Dean.

            Castiel Novak: _I just came, guess who I thought about ;)_

He deleted it before typing out something more appropriate.

            Castiel Novak: _I miss you already._

Dean responded as Cas was cleaning himself up.

            Dean Winchester: _Miss you too, baby. How’s NY?_

Castiel Novak: _A little lonely right now. Gabe’s at work._

Dean Winchester: _Going to see anything cool while you’re there?_

Castiel Novak: _I’ve seen everything interesting here already, but I might go see the tree at Rockefeller Center later._

Dean Winchester: _Send me a pic if you do_

            Castiel Winchester: _Of course :) do you want me to get you anything while I’m here?_

Cas realized he should have asked earlier, but before he left he was too worried about seeing his brother to think about it.

            Dean Winchester: _No thanks, just get yourself home safely._

            Cas smiled softly at the rare sentiment from Dean. He knew that Dean wasn’t implying he couldn’t take care of himself, that he meant simply that him coming home was enough and it almost brought tears to his eyes.

            Castiel Novak: _As long as you’re waiting for me when I get there._

Cas was already dressed and in the living room, the TV on to some random daytime soap opera just so there was some noise in the apartment. It took Dean a while to respond, but when he did, Cas couldn’t help but smile.

            Dean Winchester: _Of course. I love you_

Castiel Novak: _Love you too_

Cas sighed, noticing that the conversation had ended. He turned off the TV and went to Gabriel’s piano. He didn’t envy Gabe very often, but his piano was one thing he had always coveted.

            It was a beautiful mahogany upright with intricate carvings on the side arms. It produced an exquisitely clear sound for an upright and when Cas played it, he felt an odd sort of connection with it.

            He ran his hand lovingly over the top of the instrument before sitting on the bench and opening it up. He placed his hands lightly over the keys and began playing some simple scales to warm up his fingers.

            It was a shame Gabriel wasn’t home enough to play it much. Cas could tell from the dust on the music stand and the stiffness of the keys. When he and the piano were both warmed up, he transitioned into a Chopin piece.

            Cas got lost in the music, playing one piece after another until he had worked his way through all the songs he knew from memory. He thought about Dean and wondered if he could write something worthy of him. He hadn’t attempted to write a song in so long, he doubted he’d be able to come up with anything that conveyed how Dean made him feel, but somehow he felt compelled to try.

            He stood up and put his coat on, taking the extra key Gabe had left him and walked to the music store he remembered passing a few times on his last visit. He found a pad of staff paper and bought it, quickly returning to Gabe’s apartment to work on the song.

 

            He was so wrapped up in his own brain, trying to string together a decent melody, throwing bits of harmony on the paper that he knew he was going to have to flesh out later, he didn’t notice how much time had passed until Gabe walked in.

            “You’re still up?” he asked, “it’s like 2 am.”

            “Is it?” Cas asked, erasing a stray mark from the paper, “I didn’t notice.”

            “Go to bed,” Gabe said, “I don’t want to hear you playing while I try to sleep.”

            Cas smiled as he put the pad of paper on the music stand, closed the piano and went to bed. Dean was going to love it.


	21. Chapter 21

            Dean went to Church on Sunday, his eyes immediately going to the piano even though he knew Cas wasn’t going to be there. He sighed quietly when he saw Becky in his usual place. He had nothing against her, but she wasn’t Cas, couldn’t play like Cas could.

            Jo sat down next to him and gave him a small smile. “You miss him, don’t you,” she whispered.

            “Of course I do,” Dean said, “It’s the first time he’s been away. I keep expecting him to come over or invite me over to his place. It’s strange.”

            “It’ll get easier,” Ellen said from Jo’s other side, “I barely notice when Bobby’s gone.”

            Bobby grumbled something that sounded an awful lot like, “I miss you when you’re gone.” but nobody was brave enough to say anything about it.

            The service started and Dean sat through the sermon, not paying quite as much attention as he normally did, until Pastor Zach said something about family.

            “No one really chooses their family,” He said, “Even if they’re not blood. Your family is made up of the people you need in your life, the people who are always there for you and the people you never want to lose. You don’t choose them, because they find you. One way or another, these people find their way into your life and it’s like they’re meant to be a part of it. God gives us all a family, but sometimes we have to open our eyes to really see who’s a part of it.”

            Dean was shocked that someone had so accurately summed up his feelings on family. He had always felt strongly that family was more than blood, but it was a bit strange to have someone else put it into such complicated but understandable terms.

            Dean reached over and squeezed Jo’s hand, a silent signal they had developed since they were kids to let the other know something had hit home. Jo squeezed his hand back and Dean saw her smile out of the corner of her eye.

 

            As nice as their family dynamic was, it hadn’t always been this way. When Dean’s mom was still alive, Jo, Ellen, and Bobby had never even heard the name Winchester. When Jo’s dad was still alive, Bobby Singer was just the guy who fixed the Harvelle car when it gave them trouble. When Bobby’s wife was still alive, Ellen was just the owner of a pub downtown.

            Things changed. John Winchester dragged his boys to South Dakota from Kansas. He started working for Bobby and became a regular at the Roadhouse. Jo and Dean became friends in second grade and pushed their parents to share a pew in church. When Ellen decided to put herself back out there, John pushed her in his boss’s direction.

            Bobby began to come to church with Ellen and when they got married, it was in the church. The dinners started a few months later and soon these three people whose spouses had died had found a new family in each other.

            When the service was over, Dean went straight home to begin his meal. He was making a roast, so he had to put it in the slow cooker as soon as possible. He got it going and decided to play some Call of Duty while he waited, the smell of seasoned meat filling the apartment.

            Jo came early, claiming that Bobby and Ellen were “being all gross and romantic.”

            “Which is code for they’re having sex,” Dean said, letting her into the apartment.

            “And I do NOT want to think about that,” Jo groaned. She plopped onto the couch and picked up the second controller. “You going to let me kick your ass or not?”

            Dean joined her and restarted the game, adding her in. “You’re on.”

            They played in silence for a while before Jo asked, “So how are things with you and Cas? I know you miss him, but what’s the relationship like?”

            “It’s good,” Dean said, “Really good. Great, actually.”

            “One too many,” Jo said, killing Dean. She turned to him. “What’s going on?”

            “Nothing big,” Dean said, “I mean…it’s nothing I can’t deal with. It’s fine."

            “Just tell me,” Jo said.

            “It’s just,” Dean took a deep breath, “It’s the sex, okay?”

            “What, is it bad?” Jo asked.

            “It’s not bad,” Dean said, “It’s really good, actually, it’s just a little boring.”

            “Define boring.”

            “It’s almost always the same,” he said, “and we never try anything different or remotely kinky. It’s like eating pizza for every meal. It’s awesome, but sometimes you just want to have something different and spicier.”

            “Just talk to him, I’m sure he’ll understand.”

            “I just don’t want to push him to do anything he doesn’t want to,” Dean said, “I don’t want him to feel bad because I like more adventurous sex. I’m fine with things the way they are, I love him too much to throw it away over something so silly.”

            “If that’s how you really feel,” Jo said, starting the game again. They played in silence for a while and Dean thought about how lucky he was to have a friend like Jo. She was always there for him but she never pushed him to do anything.

           

            Ellen and Bobby came over, smiling at each other, holding hands and standing unusually close to each other. Dean looked at Jo and stage-whispered, “yup, gross and romantic, just like you said.”

            Bobby shoved lightly at Dean’s arm. “Careful, boy, I could have you fired for that.”

            “You wouldn’t,” Dean said confidently, “because you love me.” He flashed Bobby his biggest smile and Bobby laughed.

            Dinner was pleasant as usual, and Ellen had brought a pie from The Roadhouse, so they ate their desert eagerly. Dean smiled with his mouth full. “Thanks, Ellen,” he said, “Haven’t had your pie in a long time.”

            “Better appreciate it,” Ellen teased, “I don’t give out free pies very often.”

            “But when you do, they’re to me,” Dean smiled a toothy grin, his lips stained with the cherry pie filling.

            Ellen convinced Jo to help Dean with the dishes while she and Bobby sat on the couch with some beers. “Seriously,” Dean whispered to her at the sink, “What is with those two today?”

            “I have no idea,” Jo said, “but it makes me wish I had my own place.”

            “At least they don’t get this way very often,” Dean said, “I don’t think I could handle that.”

            “You’re telling me,” Jo said with a laugh. Dean laughed along and then Bobby yelled at them, saying he was trying to watch the game.

            “Who’s playing?” Dean asked, drying his hands as Jo put the last of the dishes away.

            “Wisconsin and Kansas,” Bobby answered and Dean sat down in the chair, opening a beer for himself.

            “Who’s winning?” He asked.

            “Kansas, for now,” Bobby said.

            “Care to put some money on that, old man?”

            “Ten bucks says Wisconsin comes back and takes this thing by at least ten points.”

            “Twenty says they never get ahead.”

            “You’re on.”

            The rest of the night was spent screaming at the TV and when Bobby left, Dean handed him a twenty dollar bill.


	22. Chapter 22

        Wednesday found Dean at the airport again, waiting for Sam’s plane to touch down. He was excited to see his little brother again and was looking forward to catching up with him in a way they hadn’t been able to over the phone. After all, there’s only so much you can say in a text message and Sam’s schedule didn’t leave much time for calls.

            When Sam walked through the gate, Dean couldn’t help the smile that spread on his face. “Sammy,” Dean called with a wave.       

            “Hey, Dean,” Sam said when he got close enough. He pulled his older brother into a hug. “Thanks for coming to get me.”

            “Of course,” Dean said, “Let’s go get your bags.”

            “Just got the one,” Sam said.

            “Since when do you travel so light?”

            “Since I flew instead of driving. You have a washer, right?”

            “In the basement of my building, same as always,” Dean confirmed.

            They got Sam’s suitcase and loaded it into the Impala. “See she’s still running smooth,” Sam said as Dean started the engine.

            “Yup,” Dean said, “I take good care of my baby.”

            “You always have,” Sam pointed out.

            “How was the flight?” Dean asked as they drove to his apartment.

            “Not bad,” Sam said, “Kinda tired, but that’s to be expected.”

            “Well, you’re two hours ahead,” Dean said, “so you can get a few more hours of sleep tonight.”

            “I was planning on it,” Sam said with a yawn. They rode the rest of the way in silence, Sam almost asleep in the passenger seat. They stopped by Dean’s apartment to drop off Sam’s stuff but were due at Bobby’s for dinner with his family.

            “Jo’s been itching to see you,” Dean said, “so don’t be surprised if she hugs you for like half an hour.”

            “Thanks for the warning,” Sam said with a laugh.

            They pulled into the driveway and Jo ran out to greet them, pulling Sam into what would have been a bone-crushing hug if he wasn’t so huge. “It’s so good to see you,” she said against his chest.

            “It’s good to see you too,” he said, wrapping his arms around her. Bobby and Ellen came out and broke them up, demanding hugs of their own.

            “Dinner’s in the oven,” Ellen said, “So come in before it gets burnt.”

            They all followed her into the house. Sam took a deep breath as he smelled the lasagna and garlic bread. “Smells awesome,” Sam said.

            “You boys want something to drink?” Bobby asked from in front of the fridge.

            “I’ll take a beer,” Dean said. Sam insisted water was fine and after they got their drinks they took their usual seats at the table as Ellen pulled the food from the oven. Dean was overwhelmed by how right this felt. His family was all together.

            Almost a tiny voice insisted, Cas isn’t here. Dean shook his head. He loved Cas, but he wasn’t sure if he could call him family yet. He hadn’t been included in their Sunday dinners, despite how badly Dean wanted him to be there. He’d never asked Bobby and Ellen how they would feel including him and he hadn’t asked Cas how he would feel about going. IT had just never come up. He wondered why.

            “You alright, Dean?” Ellen asked. Dean

            “Yeah,” Dean said, taking the bowl of salad from her and passing it directly to Sam, “just a little tired.”

            “I’m the one who flew here from California,” Sam said with a chuckle.

            “Yeah, yeah,” Dean said with a laugh. After everyone had dished up, Bobby led them in a prayer and they dug in.

            As was the usual when Ellen cooked, the room was mostly silent until everyone had eaten a few bites. “Delicious as always,” Sam said. “Man, I’ve missed your cooking.”

            “Bet anything’s better than the crap in your dining hall,” Dean said, earning him a light smack from Ellen.

            “Don’t insult my woman’s cooking,” Bobby said, “She’s the best.”

            “Thanks, Bobby,” Ellen said, leaning in and kissing him full on the lips.

            “Could you not do that at the table,” Jo asked, “Some of us are trying to eat.”

            The room filled with laughter and when it subsided, Sam sighed. “I’ve really missed this,” he said, somewhat sadly.

            “What, you don’t have friends out there?” Jo asked.

            “Of course I do,” Sam said, blushing, “but it’s different. You guys are family.”

            “Speaking of friends,” Dean said, “Tell us more about this Jo girl you’ve been seeing.”

            Sam blushed even deeper. “She’s really cool,” He said, “She’s so sweet and pretty. We’ve only been on a few dates but I really like her.”

            “That’s how Dean was with Cas,” Jo said, “Actually, he was totally smitten before he even talked to the guy.”

            “That’s not…entirely true,” Dean said, “but yeah, I fell pretty fast.”

            “You said he’s in New York?” Sam asked.

            “Yeah, visiting his brother,” Dean reminded him.

            “I’m excited to meet him,” Sam said sincerely.

            “Yeah, he’s looking forward to it too,” Dean said.

            “Cas is still joining us for Christmas, right?” Jo asked, almost urgently.

            “Of course,” Dean said, “He gets back on Friday.”

            “That’s such a short visit,” Jo said sadly, “It’s a shame he doesn’t get more time with him.”

            Dean shrugged, “It’s just what they’ve always done. Cas didn’t seem too upset about it.”

            They ate in silence for a little while longer, but it wasn’t a tense one, more the type of silence that occurred between family members when there was nothing more to say.

 

            Dean drove himself and Sam back to his place after they had eaten desert. “I need your help tomorrow,” Dean said as they walked into the apartment, “I want to set up Cas’s Christmas present in his house before he gets home.”

            “What’d you get him?” Sam asked.

            “I got him an electric keyboard,” Dean said, “He doesn’t have much to practice his piano on at home and I couldn’t afford an actual piano,” He said sadly.

            “I’m sure he’ll love it,” Sam said, “Mind if I shower?”

            “Go ahead,” Dean said, gesturing to the bathroom. He wondered idly if he had spent too much on Cas’s gift. They hadn’t been dating very long and Cas knew he wasn’t exactly rolling in dough. What if he didn’t accept it and made Dean take it back. It would kind of ruin the gesture and then he’d have to find something else to give him. Gift giving had never been his strong suit, but with Cas he really wanted to do it right. He texted Cas.

            Dean Winchester: how much do you love me?

            Castiel Novak: Is this a trick question?

            Dean Winchester: no, just curious

            Castiel Novak: a lot

            Dean Winchester: If you had to put a dollar value to it…

            Castiel Novak: are you trying to figure out how much to spend on my gift?

            Dean blushed to himself. He should have known that Cas knew him well enough to figure out what he meant, but he tried to hide it.

            Dean Winchester: Already bought it :)

            Castiel Novak: I have part of yours and am working on the other part.

            Castiel Novak: I don’t care how much you spent, I’m sure I’ll love it.

            The last text put Dean to ease and he went to bed convinced he had gotten the right gift for his boyfriend.


	23. Chapter 23

            On Thursday, Dean spent the entire day thinking about how excited he was that Cas was coming home. “I’ve missed him so much,” he told Sam over dinner.

            “I know,” Sam said, “You’ve told me about twenty times today.”

            “I’m sorry,” Dean said, “I just love him so much. I can’t wait for you to meet him.”

            “I know,” Sam said, “I’m looking forward to it as well. I’m glad you’ve found someone who makes you happy.”

            “Me too,” Dean said, “But sometimes I just wish…”

            “Wish what?” Sam asked.

            “It’s nothing,” Dean said, shaking his head and shoving a mouthful of mashed potatoes in his mouth, “nothing you wanna hear anyway.”

            “Is it the sex?” Sam asked, nearly causing Dean to choke.

            “What!?” Dean asked.

            Sam sighed, “I’m an adult now, I’ve known about sex for a long time, I’ve _had_ sex, I’ve even seen your toys, so answer me, is it the sex?”

            “Yes, okay?” Dean said, “Happy?”

            “Of course I’m not happy,” Sam said, “but I’m glad you can admit that there’s a problem.”

            “Yeah, well I’ve already talked to Jo about it,” Dean said, “She thinks I’m being stupid.”

            “She’s probably right,” Sam said, “But what specifically does she think is stupid?”

            “That I won’t talk to him about it,” Dean said, “and I know that I should, but…”

            “But you don’t want to tell the man you love that he’s bad in bed?” Sam guessed.

            “Oh, no, god, he’s not bad in bed, not at all,” Dean clarified, “I just wish we would do something a little different once in a while.”

            “So tell him. Let him know you like the sex, but you’d also like this other, more exciting kind of sex. I think he’d be cool with it.”

            “But Cas is just…I don’t know, he’s kind of straight-laced. Even when we’re just hanging out, there’s an air of formality about him, and I love that, but sometimes I wish he’d just drop it.”

            “Maybe it’s not one of those things you can just drop,” Sam said, “maybe it’s just who he is.”

            “And I’m okay with that. It’s not a deal breaker or anything, but it’d be nice to be a little less inhibited in our love making.”

            “Oh gross, when did you start calling it that?”

            “When I found someone I love. I’ve never felt like the term fit my sex life until now.”

            “But you kind wish you were fucking, don’t you?”

            “Exactly,” Dean said, “Thanks for listening to my crap.”

            “No problem,” Sam said with a smile, “now go get me a slice of that pie.”

            Dean did and Sam asked him what to expect from Cas. “How do you think he’s going to be with me?”

            “He’s not gonna be a jerk or anything,” Dean said, “In fact, you two can just be nerds together, he’d love that.”

            “What’s that supposed to mean?” Sam asked.

            “Well, you’re both so smart, I don’t understand what either of you are saying sometimes, but I think you’d understand each other.”

            “Dean, you are smart,” Sam said, “just a different kind of smart, and that’s okay.”

            “Yeah, everyone always says that,” Dean said a little sadly.

            “Cause it’s true,” Sam said, “If it weren’t for you, I’d never have gotten into college. If you weren’t smart, we wouldn’t have survived after dad died, and even before then, you kept the house running. I don’t say it enough, but you took care of me and I’ll forever be grateful for that.”

            “What else was I supposed to do?” Dean asked, “It’s not like I was going to let everything fall apart.”

            “That’s not the point. It’s not that you did what you had to do, anyone would have at least tried. It’s the fact that you could. Not many teenagers could pay bills and make appointments or even go grocery shopping. You did all of that and more.”

            Dean felt tears fill his eyes. “You’re such a sap,” he teased.

            “Sorry,” Sam said, dropping the subject, “This pie is great, by the way.”

            “Thanks, Sammy,” Dean said, and Sam knew he meant for more than just the compliment.

 

            Cas had worked almost non-stop on his song for Dean, taking breaks only when Gabriel insisted he did. The two of them took in a play (Gabe’s gift to Cas) and Cas, as usual, took Gabe shopping (this year, Cas bought him a suit).

            Thursday morning, Cas finished the song and played it for his brother. He finished the piece with a slight flourish of his hands and turned expectantly toward Gabe.

            “What do you think?” He asked.

            Gabe just stared for a few moments. “That was beautiful,” He said, “He’s going to love it.”

            “Really?” Cas asked, “I wasn’t sure if it was any good.”

            “Cas, I know music,” Gabe reminded him, “It was very good.”

            “Thank you, Gabriel,” Cas said, “That means a lot to me.”

            “I can tell you really like this guy,” Gabe said.

            “I’m so in love with him,” Cas said, “I don’t know what I’d do if he weren’t in my life.”

            “I’m happy for you,” Gabe said, “I really am.”

            “Thanks, Gabe,” Cas said with a smile. He was glad that his brother was finally beginning to see just how much Dean had become a part of his life, and that meant a lot to him.

 

            Cas found a gift box in Gabe’s closet and put the sheet music in it and tied some ribbon around it. It wasn’t a fancy wrapping job, but Dean wouldn’t care. He packed it in his suitcase along with everything else that he wouldn’t need in the morning and spent the rest of the day just hanging out with Gabe.

            “So what else did you get Dean?” Gabe asked.

            “I got him an mp3 player and this thing that lets you listen to it through a tape deck.

            “Don’t you think that’s a little…much?” Gabe asked, “You haven’t been dating that long.”

            Cas shook his head, “It’s not about the money. Dean wants a way to listen to music in his car without having to switch tapes, I made it happen. It’s the gesture, Gabe, Dean’s not going to care. Besides, it didn’t cost that much.”

            “Well, you know him better than I do so if you don’t think he’ll care, then he probably won’t.”

            “Exactly,” Cas said before they fell silent and paid more attention to the TV than to each other. Cas loved Gabe, but sometimes he figured one week a year was enough.

            Cas got jittery as the plane made its decent. He was anxious to see Dean again and nervous about meeting Sam. Dean promised that Sam was staying home so that they didn’t have to meet in the airport, but that just meant another half an hour of anticipation.

            When he walked through the gate, though, all his nerves disappeared. Dean was waiting for him, holding a sign that read “The man I love.”

            Cas ran to him and pulled him into his arms before kissing him full on the lips. “You are so corny.”

            “But you love it,” Dean said.

            “I do,” Cas said, “I love you.”

            “I love you too, now let’s get home.”

            They got Cas’s suitcase and Dean drove them to Cas’s house, barely containing a smile the whole way.

            “What are you so happy about?” Cas asked.

            “Just glad to have you home,” Dean said, smiling wider.

            “It’s only been a week,” Cas said, “But I’m glad to be back, I’ve missed you.”

           

            When Cas walked into his house, the first thing he did was bring his suitcase up to his room. He didn’t want to start unpacking yet, so he just left it on his floor. “I have something to show you,” Dean said and Cas couldn’t tell if he was excited or nervous, so he cautiously followed him down the stairs.

            Dean pulled him into his office and Cas was confused for a moment until he noticed the keyboard along the opposite wall. “Dean…” He said, not being able to get anything else out.

            “Merry Christmas, Cas,” Dean smiled at him and Cas pulled him into a kiss.

            “Thank you, Dean, I love it.”

            “Give it a try,” Dean said, gesturing to the instrument.

            Cas took a step toward the instrument but turned around. “I’m going to give you one of your gifts, then,” He said, running up the stairs and pulling the box from his suitcase. He brought it back downstairs and handed it to Dean where he was still standing in the office.

            Dean took the box and pulled the ribbon off to open it. When he saw the paper inside he was slightly confused, and it must have shown on his face because Cas immediately explained.

            “I wrote you a song, while I was at Gabriel’s.” He took the box from Dean, “let me play it for you.”

            Dean stood, stunned as Cas set the music up at sat at the keyboard. He gave Dean a small smile before he began to play.

            The sweet melody began to fill the room and Dean was overwhelmed with emotion. There was that connection that Cas always seemed to have with the music he played but it was stronger, more personal. The song was beautiful and Dean felt himself tearing up.

            Cas ended the song and paused for a moment before turning to face Dean. When he saw the happy tears on Dean’s face, Cas stood up and pulled Dean into his arms.

            “I love it, Cas,” Dean said, “It was so beautiful. I can’t believe you wrote it for me.”

            “I love you, Dean, I wanted to convey that with the song.”

            “Well, mission accomplished,” Dean laughed and kissed Cas sloppily.

            Cas kissed him back, their lips quickly becoming urgent. “I’ve missed you so much,” Cas said.

            “Missed you too,” Dean said, running his hands up under Cas’s shirt, “Missed this.”

            “Should we go upstairs?” Cas asked.

            “God, yes,” Dean said. Cas picked him up and he wrapped his legs around his waist, clinging tightly as Cas carried him up the stairs. He giggled as Cas laid him on the bed and kissed his neck. He tangled his hands in his boyfriend’s hair and sighed happily. “I love you.”

            “Love you too,” Cas said, pulling Dean’s shirt over his head and then doing the same to his own. He kissed all over Dean’s chest, running his hands up his sides, Dean twitching and panting beneath him.

            Dean pulled Cas back up to kiss his lips. He rolled them over and rolled his hips against Cas’s, causing both of them to moan.

            “Dean,” Cas gasped, clutching at the waistband of his pants. They rolled onto their sides, giggling as they took off their pants. Cas took the lube from the drawer and, as usual, asked Dean if he wanted to try topping.

            “Just want you inside me,” Dean said, which was only half-true. He loved the feeling of Cas thrusting into him, loved to have his fingers stretching him open and teasing his prostate, but he was also afraid to top. He was afraid that if he had more control that he’d push Cas to do something he didn’t want, that he’d try to do something that made Cas uncomfortable, and he didn’t want to do that.

            Dean thought of all of this while Cas opened him, taking his time and making sure he was slick and stretched for his cock. He pressed against his prostate a few times before pulling out and Dean wondered why he always did that. He liked it, but it was always the same.

            “You with me?” Cas asked, cupping his cheek.

            “Yeah,” Dean said, “Just a little tired, but I’m good.”

            “Dean, we don’t have to…”

            “No,” Dean insisted, “I want to.” He pulled Cas down for a kiss and Cas slid on a condom before lining himself up.

            Cas slid in and bottomed out with a groan. “Missed this so much,” Cas said, burying his face in the crook of Dean’s neck. “Missed you.”

            “Missed you too, Cas,” Dean said, lifting his hips to urge Cas to move. Cas slowly rocked into him and all worries about their sex life and all desire for something more adventurous left Dean’s mind and all he could think of was Cas. Cas inside of him, Cas above him, Cas’s lips against his as they both panted too much for a proper kiss.

            They continued to move together and Cas felt his orgasm approaching. “Dean,” he said, beginning to slowly stroke his cock. He knew Dean could cum without the extra stimulation, but he was so close and he wanted them to cum together. He thought about how fun it would be to see how many ways he could get Dean off and that thought pushed him over the edge.

            Dean followed shortly after and when Cas pulled out, they laid together side-by-side, smiling at each other like idiots. “God, I love you,”  Dean said.

            “I love you too, Dean,” Cas said, “So much.”

            They laid together for a while in silence, lost in a post-orgasm haze. It wasn’t until Dean was almost falling asleep that he suggested they go to his place. “Sam’s waiting for us,” he reminded Cas.

            “Yeah,” Cas said, rolling onto his back with a groan before standing up. They both went into the bathroom and cleaned up before getting dressed and heading out.


	24. Chapter 24

            As they drove to Dean’s, Cas asked about Sam. “It’s not weird that I got him a gift, is it?” he asked, “I mean, we haven’t met yet and…”

            “It’s cool,” Dean said, “he’s not expecting anything but he’s not going to be weirded out if you got him something.”

            “Good,” Cas said, “the last thing I want to do is make him uncomfortable.”

            “You won’t,” Dean assured him.

            They pulled into the parking lot of Dean’s building and walked to his apartment and Cas got more nervous with each step he took.

            “Relax,” Dean said, nudging him lightly, “He’s going to love you.”

            They opened the door and Dean called out announcing that they were home.

            “About time,” a voice came from the kitchen, “I was about to call you. What took so long?” He finished as he came around the corner and a face was put to the voice.

            “You must be Sam,” Cas said, “It’s good to finally meet you.”

            “Likewise,” Sam said, “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

            “Nothing bad, I hope,” Cas laughed.

            “All good,” Sam assured him with a smile.

            Dean smiled and clapped them both on the shoulder. “Good to see you two are off to a good start. I’m going to get dinner started.”

            “Sounds good,” Sam said at the same time Cas asked, “What are you making?”

            “I’m making burgers and raw fried potatoes,” Dean answered.

            “Would you like some help?” Cas asked.

            “No, I’m good,” Dean assured him, “You and Sam go get better acquainted.”

            Cas took his boots and coat off and left them in the hall closet before joining Sam in the living room.

            “How was your trip?” Sam asked.

            “It was pleasant,” Cas answered, “I love my brother, but he can be a lot to handle. I’m glad to be home.”

            “I know exactly what you mean,” Sam said with a laugh which caused Cas to laugh.

            “What’s so funny?” Dean called from the kitchen.

            “Nothing,” Sam called back, causing them both to erupt in laughter again. “I have so many embarrassing stories about Dean,” Sam whispered to Cas, “So if he gets on my nerves, I’m telling you one.”

            “Do I get one for free?” Cas asked, suddenly very interested in Dean’s childhood.

            “He jumped off a shed while he was dressed as Superman,” Sam said.

            “Did he get hurt?” Cas asked.

            “No, but I broke my arm when I tried to do it dressed as Batman.”

            Dean called from the kitchen, “Everyone knows Batman can’t fly.”

            “Nerd,” Sam yelled back.

            Cas smiled. This was the kind of easy ribbing he had never had with his brother. It was nice to see that Dean was so close with his.

            “Dean tells me you’re pre-law,” Cas said, “How do you like it so far?”

            “I’m really enjoying it,” Sam said, “The classes for my major are by far my favorites and I’m really getting to know the professors and they all seem to like me.”

            “It’s good to make those connections,” Cas said, “When I was in school, I was a bit intimidated by my professors at first, but once I got to know them, they were great resources. In fact, my advisor helped get me my first job out of school.”

            “Really? That’s great!” Sam said.

            “Since you’re going to law school, they’ll be the ones writing your letters of recommendation and helping you through the application process and LSAT prep. It’s good you’re getting to know them already.”

            “Man, I haven’t even really thought about all that yet,” Sam said, “But I guess it’s never too early.”

            “Well, you have time,” Cas said, “but connecting with them now will make it easier when the time comes.”

            Dean poked his head it from the kitchen. “What are you guys talking about now?”

            “Cas was just telling me about college,” Sam said.

            “You never talk much about college,” Dean noted.

            “My college years were far from exciting, Dean.” Cas said, “And a lot of my memories from that time involve Crowley,” he added a bit sadly.

            “I’m sorry,” Dean said, “I didn’t realize…I should have known you had a reason you didn’t talk about it.

            “It’s fine, Dean,” Cas said, “really.” It was obvious he was trying to change the subject for Sam’s sake, but Sam didn’t seem to understand that.

            “Who’s Crowley?” He asked.

            “Sam…” Dean said, his voice on edge.

            “It’s okay,” Cas said, turning to Sam, “He’s my ex-boyfriend. We were together for a long time and he was the only person I ever dated besides Dean. He’s still kind of a sore spot, but I’m getting better about it.”

            “It takes time to totally get over someone,” Sam said, looking at Dean, “But you have to try to keep moving.”

            Dean was overwhelmed by how mature his brother was about all of this, how he could see the parallels between him and Cas. “When did you get so smart,” He teased.

            “Yesterday,” Sam said sarcastically.

            “Shut up,” Dean said, shoving him lightly. “Dinner’s ready, by the way.”

            “And you let us sit here and talk?” Sam said, standing up.

            “Just get in the kitchen,” Dean said.

            Cas and Dean followed Sam into the kitchen, sitting down next to each other with Sam on Dean’s other side.

            Dinner was good and the conversation was steered in a happier direction. They talked about making Christmas cookies the next day and how Jo would want to join them and Dean teased Sam some more about his crush, which made Cas curious enough to ask about her.

            By the time they finished (and ate desert as well) Cas was tired and decided to head home. “Would you mind driving me?” he asked Dean.

            “Of course not,” Dean said, “Sam, you mind doing the dishes?”

            “But I’m a guest,” Sam said, though he obviously knew it wasn’t going to work.

            “I’ve got a storage unit full of your stuff in the basement that says otherwise,” Dean said.

            “Fine,” Sam said, standing up and beginning to clear the table. Dean drove Cas home in almost complete silence, and he was convinced Cas had fallen asleep until he opened his eyes right as they pulled up to his house.

            “Goodnight, Dean,” Cas said, leaning over and kissing him lightly. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

            “Night, Cas,” Dean said with a smile, “You better get your rest while you can because from now until Christmas, it will be insane.”

            “But in a good way, right?” Cas asked with a chuckle.

            “Of course,” Dean said, “We’ve managed to cobble together a rather interesting group of people to call family, but I’m glad you’re one of them.”

            “Thank you, Dean,” Cas said, “that means a lot to me.”

            He kissed Dean once more and then got out of the car, going straight to bed when he got into his house. It had been a long day.


	25. Chapter 25

            In the days leading up to Christmas, Cas went back to work and spent his evenings with Dean and Sam. He was really enjoying getting to know Dean’s brother and they all had a fun time making cookies and candy and wrapping gifts. The last activity resulted in Cas getting a self-adhesive bow stuck in his hair and Sam tying a ribbon around Dean’s neck.

            On Christmas Eve, Dean called and asked Cas to stay at his apartment that night. “I mean, we’re all heading to Bobby and Ellen’s early, we might as well go together.”

            “Sure,” Cas said with a smile. When he got there, he had the gifts and a change of clothes in a bag. They stayed up until midnight watching Christmas movies and when Cas noticed the time, he wished them both a merry Christmas.

            “You too, Cas,” Sam said, standing up, “But I think I’m going to bed. See you in the morning.”

            “Night, Sam,” Dean said.

            When Sam was in his room, Dean leaned in and kissed Cas slowly and deeply. When he pulled away, he smiled. “Merry Christmas, Cas.”

            “I love you,” Cas said, taking Dean’s hand in his.

            “Love you too,” Dean said with a yawn, “let’s go to bed.”

            “Okay,” Cas said, standing up and pulling Dean with him. They went to Dean’s room, stripped down to their boxers and climbed into bed. Cas pulled Dean close and wrapped his arms around him and Dean relaxed into the embrace.

            As Cas fell asleep, he couldn’t help but realize that this was the first time he had stayed over at Dean’s when they hadn’t had sex. It was a nice feeling to know they could just share a bed and spend the night together like this, and he hoped to do it more often.

 

            Dean woke up still wrapped in Cas’s arms. He buried his face deeper in Cas’s chest and sighed happily when Cas kissed his hair. “Good morning,” Cas said.

            “Morning,” Dean mumbled.

            “We should get up,” Cas said, no conviction in his voice.

            “Alarm’s set,” Dean said, looking at the clock, “we have twenty minutes.”

            “Okay,” Cas said, settling back down into the bed and pulling Dean closer. They stayed like that until the alarm went off, simply enjoying each other’s company as they slowly woke up.

            “Wait until you eat Ellen’s Christmas breakfast,” Dean said as they got dressed, “I look forward to it all year.”

            “I’ve eaten at the Roadhouse, Ellen is a wonderful cook.”

            “No, you see,” Dean said, “There’s a difference between her mass-made pub food and her actual cooking. Think of how good the Roadhouse is and then multiply it by ten.”

            “That good, huh?” Cas asked.

            “You’ll see,” Dean said, “but don’t say I didn’t tell you. Mostly because Ellen would be insulted if she thought I didn’t talk up her cooking.”

            The two laughed and went to the living room to meet Sam. They packed up all the gifts in the Impala and headed out to Bobby and Ellen’s house.

            When they got there, they were greeted by warm hugs all around, a chorus of “Merry Christmas,” and the smell of bacon and cinnamon. “What’s cooking?” Cas asked.

            Everyone in the room began to answer at once and Cas cut them off. “Ellen,” he said, turning to the older woman, “What are you making?”

            “Same thing I make every year,” Ellen explained, “Cinnamon rolls, scrambled eggs, bacon and diced melon.”

            “Sounds delicious,” Cas said with a smile.

            They all say down at the table while Ellen brought the food over. They dished up and dug in, no one bothering to say much except to compliment the food. When everyone was done eating and the leftovers were claimed, they went into the living room to exchange gifts.

            Bobby insisted on starting, so he handed a rather large box to Ellen that sat precariously on her lap as she unwrapped it. When she saw what it was, he face lit up. “Thank you, Bobby,” she said with a smile.

            “Did I get the right ones?” Bobby asked, “I kept the receipt if you want to exchange it.”

            “No, you did good,” She said with a smile, setting the box of cookware on the floor and kissing Bobby.

            Bobby then handed an envelope to Jo, who opened it excitedly. She pulled out a piece of paper and stared at it in shock. “You…” she stuttered, “you paid off my tuition?”

            “Just for the semester,” Bobby said, “don’t make a big deal out of it.”

            Jo stood up and attacked Bobby with a hug. “Thank you, so much,” she said, kissing him on the cheek.

            Bobby also got Sam the latest book in the series he was reading, Dean got a detailing kit for the Impala and Cas got the sheet music to Cary on Wayward Son. “Everybody loves Kansas,” Bobby said with a shrug when asked why he chose that song.

            Next Ellen handed out her gifts. She handed Bobby a piece of paper that said he could pick out a couch for his “man cave.” Jo got a new pair of boots, some jeans and a few tops. Sam got a college cookbook and Dean and Cas got a joint gift of a $50 gift card for the Roadhouse.

            Jo had knit everyone a hat, each one unique and suited to the owner. Sam put his on right away, claiming that he had to test it out.

            Sam was next, giving everyone a framed picture of them from last Christmas and Cas one of him and Dean. “How did you get this?” Cas asked.

            “I kinda snuck it the other day, while we were making cookies,” Sam said, “you were too distracted to even notice.”

            “Thank you,” Cas said, happy to have a more candid picture with Dean.

            Dean and Cas gave Ellen and Bobby a gift certificate for a weekend at a resort a few towns over, Jo got a piano book from Dean and free lessons from Cas. Sam got a new bedding set from Dean and a book from Cas. Then Dean gave Cas a book of Broadway songs for the piano.

            “Dean, you didn’t have to, I mean you got me the keyboard…”

            “I wanted to,” Dean said, giving him a kiss, “just say thank you.”

            “Thank you, Dean,” Cas said before giving Dean his gift.

            When Dean opened it, he was confused at first, but then it all clicked. “Thanks, Cas,” he said, “Really, I love it. You’re helping me put music on this thing though; I suck with that kind of stuff.”

            Cas laughed, “Of course, Dean.”

            They sat around the rest of the day, watching Christmas movies and talking over them. Bobby brought out the eggnog around three and they were all pretty drunk by the time they scraped together some food for dinner.

            The whole day had a pleasant haze around it and Cas wondered if holidays with a real family were always like this, jut being together and enjoying each other’s company, no expectations, no judgment.

            Cas put his arm around Dean as they sat on the couch, kissing the side of his head. “I’m so happy,” he whispered.

            “Me too,” Dean whispered back.


	26. Chapter 26

            New Year’s Eve, Sam went to a party with some friends from high school so Dean spent the night at Cas’s. “Got any resolutions?” Dean asked.

            “Not really,” Cas said, “you?”

            “I want to make more of an effort to be happy,” Dean said, “I want to find things that make me really happy instead of just content, you know?”

            “I do,” Cas said, “When we started dating, I began to see what really mattered to me, began to do things for myself instead of just going along with whatever life threw at me. I’m glad you’re doing the same.”

            “I do know that you make me happy,” Dean said, taking Cas’s hand.

            “And you make me very happy,” Cas said. He brought Dean’s hand to his lips and placed a gentle kiss on his knuckles.

            Dean blushed slightly and tried to change the subject. “What do you normally do on New Year’s Eve?”

            “It depends,” Cas said, “Sometimes I go to parties or a bar, sometimes I stay in and play board games.”

            “You like poker?” Dean said, finishing off his beer.

            “Sure,” Cas said, “you wanna play?”

            “Hell yeah,” Dean said, “but let’s make this interesting.”

            “Dean, you have nothing I want.”

            “I was thinking more like strip poker.”

            “Really, Dean?” Cas asked, “are you a teenager?”

            “No,” Dean said, “I just like seeing my boyfriend naked.”

            “Fine, you’re on,” Cas agreed. He went to get the deck of cards and dealt them in for 5-card stud.

            Dean won the first hand and Cas took off a shoe. “Come on, Cas,” Dean almost whined, “that’s barely an item of clothing.”

            “But it _is_ an item of clothing,” Cas pointed out.

            “Fine,” Dean said, shuffling the cards and dealing the next hand.

            Cas won the next two games, leaving Dean barefoot (“Should have kept my shoes on,” he grumbled).

            They kept playing and drinking, switching from beer to vodka and soda when they were both topless. “New rule,” Dean said, “whoever loses the hand has to take a shot.”

            “You just don’t want to lose your pants,” Cas said.

            “Maybe,” Dean said, “and maybe I just want to postpone the moment, make you wait for it.”

            “Hmmm...” Cas said, “maybe a few hands.”

            They played that way for a while, both of them moving slightly past buzzed before they added clothing removal back in. “But the shot stays,” Dean said, his words slightly slurred.

            “Deal,” Cas agreed, dealing the next hand. Dean lost the hand and Cas lost the next one, so they were both down to their underpants. When Cas won the last hand Dean begged for a chance to get Cas’s boxers off.

            “Fine,” Cas said, “but if you lose this one, you’re topping tonight.”

            Dean’s eyes got wide. It was one thing to play poker to get naked, but he wasn’t sure he was up for these stakes, wasn’t sure if he was ready to top. “Cas…” he said, not really sure what he wanted to say.

            “Oh, god, Dean, I’m sorry. God, I didn’t mean to push, I’m drunk, don’t listen to me.”

            “Well, I’m drunk too,” Dean said, “and I don’t know if I’d do a very good job drunk.”

            “Well, I mean, I don’t know if I would either,” Cas said, “I’ve never had drunk sex before.” They both collapsed into a fit of giggles and Dean crawled over to Cas, sitting in his lap.

            “Dude, it’s…awesome,” he said. Dean pressed his lips hungrily against Cas’s and placed his hands on either side of his face, relishing in the feel of his stubble under his fingers. He continued to kiss him as he slid his hands down to his chest.

            Cas ran his hands over Dean’s back, feeling his muscles move under his skin. He was getting hard, and he could feel Dean was too, but he was enjoying things too much to suggest they move to the bedroom.

            Dean ground his hips down, enjoying the feeling of Cas’s clothed erection against his bare cock. He groaned against Cas’s lips as he continued to move his hips, his arousal building faster and faster.

            “Dean,” Cas practically growled, thrusting his hips up to meet Dean’s. He moved his lips to Dean’s neck, panting against the skin there between frantic kisses. It didn’t take long before they were both on the edge, clinging to each other as their movements became more erratic.

            Dean came with a shout and Cas came shortly after, huffing a groan against Dean’s shoulder.

            “Fuck,” Dean said, “told you that was awesome.”

            “Yeah,” Cas said, “but anything involving you, me, and orgasms is generally awesome.”

            Dean laughed, sagging against Cas, “except now we’re all sticky.”

            “Let’s go shower and then I think we should go to bed before I pass out on the couch.”

            “Okay,” Dean said, slowly climbing off of Cas. They went upstairs and cleaned up before crawling into bed in their underpants. Dean clung to Cas as they fell asleep.

 

            When Cas woke up, his head was pounding and his stomach felt wrong. He thought about the night before and barely contained a groan. Dean was sprawled out on the other side of the bed and Cas couldn’t help but worry that Dean would be embarrassed by the night before. Cas didn’t regret it, exactly, but he wondered if Dean would have done something like that had he been sober.

            He rolled over onto his back, more intrusive thoughts keeping him from falling back asleep. Last night had been insanely hot. It was probably the most intense pleasure he and Dean had ever shared and it was definitely the most adventurous their sex life has ever been.

            On the other hand, they had both been very drunk. He didn’t know if Dean’s lack of inhibitions was responsible for what had happened, if he even remembered what happened, or if he regretted it.

            As Dean stirred next to him, he decided not to bring it up. He didn’t want to make Dean feel awkward and he really didn’t want to make Dean think he hadn’t enjoyed it (god had he enjoyed it).

            “Morning,” Dean mumbled.

            “Morning,” Cas said.

            “How long have you been awake?” Dean asked, eyes still closed.

            “Not long,” Cas assured him, “you want some breakfast?”

            “Ugh,” Dean groaned, “I cannot even think about food right now.”

            “You too, huh?”

            “I’ve never been so hung over in my life,” Dean said.

            “When was the last time you got that drunk?” Cas asked.

            “After my dad died,” Dean admitted, “I’ve been pretty good at controlling my drinking. Last night was nuts.”

            “Yeah,” Cas agreed, _in more ways than one_ he thought to himself.

            “Can we just stay here a while?” Dean asked, “I don’t really feel like getting up.”

            “Me either,” Cas admitted, turning his head to look at Dean.

            Dean looked at Cas and reached out to gently touch his face. “How are you so attractive hung over?”

            Cas smiled, “how are you so funny hung over?”

           

            They laid in silence for a while and Dean thought about the night before. He really hoped that Cas didn’t remember because it was a mistake. He had really enjoyed it, but he didn’t want to do something Cas wasn’t okay with and he kind of just sprung it on him.

            He wasn’t going to say anything. If Cas didn’t remember, that was great, if he did, Dean was sure he would say something about it. He was also a little sad that the best sex he and Cas had ever had was when they were both drunk.

            It’s not like he had never had drunk sex before, and Cas was drunk too, so it’s not like he was taking advantage. It was just doing something that he was pretty sure was out of Cas’s comfort zone.

            He sighed and Cas gave him a look. “What?”

            “Nothing,” Dean answered, “just wish I felt better.”

            “Me too,” Cas said, “I think we should at least get something to drink.”

            “Yeah,” Dean agreed, rolling over and climbing out of bed. They went down to the kitchen and Cas made some coffee while they both downed a glass of water. “You sure you don’t want anything to eat?” Cas asked.

            “If you even mention food one more time I’m gonna barf,” Dean replied.

            “Sorry,” Cas said. They stood in silence for a while, waiting for the coffee to be done. It wasn’t an awkward silence; just the kind of silence that fell when both people knew the other didn’t need or want to hear anything.

            When the coffee was done, Cas filled two mugs and handed one to Dean. They took the coffee into the living room and Cas tried not to think about what had happened there the night before.

            They decided to watch a few episodes of Dr. Sexy that Cas had saved on his DVR and neither of them said much for the next few hours, but that was okay. They both thought a lot about the night before, and they both decided over and over again that it wasn’t worth making a big deal out of it. It was a lazy, quiet day that both of them appreciated very much once the thoughts of the night before slowly went away.


	27. Chapter 27

            Sam went home shortly after New Years and Dean and Cas got back to their normal lives. A few weeks into January, Cas had dinner with Becky before choir practice.

            “So, how are things going with Dean?” she asked.

            “Great,” Cas said, “I was invited to Christmas at Bobby and Ellen’s and since then they’ve had me over for their family dinners every Sunday. It’s quite nice, really, my family never did stuff like that.”

            “And how’s the sex?” Becky asked, “still boring?”

            “I never said it was boring,” Cas said, “I just said I wish we would try something new once in a while.”

            “You mean you haven’t done anything different?”

            “Well, we got a little drunk New Year’s Eve, but I think it was a fluke. We haven’t talked about it and it wasn’t really _that_ kinky. I don’t know though. I’m afraid if I bring it up, Dean will think I don’t like things how they are or worse, he’ll think I’m disgusting and never want to see me again.”

            “I really doubt that’s how he’d react,” Becky said, “You guys are so in love with each other it’s gross. If he’s not into the kinky stuff, then you don’t do the kinky stuff. He’s not going to leave you over it.”

            “I know you’re probably right, but I just can’t bring myself to say anything.”

            “Well, if you can live with the what ifs, then that’s up to you,” Becky said, eating a handful of fries, “but don’t say I didn’t try to tell you.”

            “I’ve thought about the what ifs,” Cas said, “like what if Dean thinks it’s weird? Even if he doesn’t leave me, I’d still feel judged for my kinks. I don’t know if I can deal with that.”

            “What if Dean wants it too?” Becky said, “What if he’s willing to try because it will make you happy? Dean’s a good guy; I doubt he’d judge you for this, even if he doesn’t want it.”

            “It’s not a matter of Dean judging me or not, it’s just an awkward thing to talk about, even if he is my boyfriend.”

            “You’re talking to me about it,” Becky pointed out.

            “Yes, but it’s different with you. I know you’re cool with all of this, you have no stake in my sex life. This doesn’t really affect you at all, so I can tell you all of this because you won’t judge me and it won’t change anything between us. There’s a huge possibility that this could change things with Dean.”

            “Yeah, and they could change for the better,” Becky reminded him.

            Cas sighed, “I already made my decision, now can we please just drop it?”

            “Fine,” Becky said, “but it’s your own fault you’re so unhappy.”

            “And it’s my business too,” Cas said.

            They ate in silence for a while until Cas spoke up. “How’re things with Chuck?”

            “Pretty great, actually,” Becky said, “He spent the night last night. He hasn’t stayed over on a weekday before, it was nice.”

            “It was nice needing to wake up early so you could both make it to work?” Cas asked.

            “Well, it’s not _as_ nice as spending the night together on a weekend, but there’s something to be said for getting ready together and seeing him off to work before I head out myself. I don’t know…that’s just how I feel.”

            “I get that,” Cas said, “It’s kind of a pain with Dean though since we both have to be to work at the same time, but we’ve made it work.”

            “Have you two thought about moving in together?” Becky asked.

            “Oh god,” Cas said, shaking his head, “We’ve never talked about it. I kind of assume it’s going to happen eventually, but I’m okay with our separate homes for now.”

            “Wow, that’s like, really healthy and mature and stuff,” Becky said, “I’m finding it hard not to get really intense with Chuck. I love him so much I can’t contain it sometimes.”

            “That’s okay as long as Chuck’s okay with it,” Cas said, “and as long as he feels the same way. Don’t waste your feelings on someone who doesn’t feel the same way.”

            “We’ve been dating almost as long as you and Dean have; I think it’s safe to say he likes me.”

            “You’re right,” Cas said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply that we were a better couple just because we’ve moved a little faster.”

            “It’s okay,” Becky said, “I know you didn’t mean it that way.”

            “So things have been good between you two? Did you spend New Year’s together?”

            “We did,” Becky said, “He was out of town for Christmas, so we made it up. We spent all day New Year’s Eve and all day New Year ’s Day together. It was great.”

            “Sounds like it,” Cas said with a smile. “I’m glad we had this talk,” He said as he finished his food, “I’m glad I can talk to you about this stuff.”

            “Anytime, Cas,” Becky smiled. They paid for their food and both went back to work. Cas was still confused and embarrassed about New Year’s Eve, but just talking about it made him feel better. He was also happy for Becky. She deserved to be happy, even if it was with someone who didn’t seem to appreciate her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come talk to me at bullwinklewinchester.tumblr.com


	28. Chapter 28

            After a few more weeks, Dean felt the itch for something he couldn’t quite place his finger on. He felt a vague discontentment with life but nothing he thought of changed it. He took Cas out for dinner, he bought some new music, he even got a haircut, but all of that still left him feeling like something was missing.

            One night, when Cas had to work late and decided not to come over. Dean sighed and flopped back onto the couch. He was really looking forward to seeing Cas. After a few minutes, he turned off the crappy show on the TV and went into his bedroom. He wasn’t sure what he wanted, but he knew he needed to get himself off. Nothing else had cured his boredom, so he took out the dildo that was the closest to Cas’s size. It wasn’t perfect, but it would do.

            He stripped down and got onto his hands and knees on the bed. He slid the fake cock into his mouth, moaning around it. He had never sucked Cas off, had only ever licked and sucked his cock as foreplay. He wondered if Cas would prefer to cum in his mouth or on his face and his cock gave a twitch.

            He continued to suck on the dildo until it was dripping with spit, an obscene trail of saliva hanging between it and his lips. He licked his lips, moaning as he did so, wishing he could taste Cas’s cum. He bet he tasted strong.

            He took the lube from the drawer and poured some on his fingers. He rubbed them against his hole, twitching lightly at the sensation. He wondered how Cas would tease him. Maybe he’d slip in a finger just to the first knuckle and pull it out right away. Or maybe he’d slide a whole finger in and leave it there, unmoving.

            He moaned loudly and pushed his hips back, but he pulled his fingers away as he did so. He’d gotten quite good at teasing himself and he was relishing it tonight. He was already hard and leaking against his stomach but he wanted to make this last.

            He tapped his finger against his hole a few times before finally sliding a digit in. He groaned loudly in a way he hadn’t since before he started dating Cas and he felt a little guilty about it. He should react like that to Cas’s lovemaking more than his own hand.

            He pulled his finger out and rolled over onto his back. He texted Jo.

            _Dean Winchester: is there something wrong with me?_

_Jo Harvelle: well yes, but you have to be more specific_

_Dean Winchester: I enjoy sex with myself more than with my bf. is that weird?_

_Jo Harvelle: who knows you better than you do? haha but would you really rather masturbate or sleep with Cas?_

_Dean Winchester: Cas, of course_

_Jo Harvelle: then you’re not weird, just stubborn and bad at communicating_

_Jo Harvelle: but we knew that :D_

_Dean Winchester: bitch :p_

_Jo Harvelle: and proud of it_

Dean smiled to himself and looked down. He was half-hard and he knew now that the guilt had gone away, it was going to be hard to make his erection go away completely.

            He reached down and palmed at his cock until it was fully hard again. He imagined Cas above him, kissing him sweetly and whispering sweet nothings into his ear. Dean smiled as he took a firm hold of his cock and began stroking. This felt right, felt more natural. Thinking of Cas exactly as he was, not a kinkier version of him.

            He kept imagining, Cas slowly rocking into him, gently panting against his skin, his hands tangled in his hair or running up his sides or clutching Dean’s hands. “Cas,” he moaned as he swiped his thumb over the head of his cock.

            Dean kept stroking until he came over his hand and stomach, panting as he came down from the high. He rolled to his side and reached out, but Cas wasn’t there. His face fell when he was reminded that he was alone.

            He cleaned himself off, put the dildo away and threw on a pair of sweat pants. It was only 8:30, so he called Cas.

            “Hello, Dean,” Cas answered the phone, “I just got home.”

            “Would you mind coming here?” Dean asked, “I miss you.”

            “Dean, it’s one night. It’s not like we haven’t spent nights apart before, I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

            “Cas, I need you, okay?” Dean said, trying not to cry.

            “Dean, are you okay?” Cas said, sounding worried.

            “It’s nothing,” Dean said, “it’s just…I realized that I’d rather be with you, no matter what that means. It’s a little scary and in the light of that, I’d like you with me.”

            “I’ll be there in five minutes,” Cas said.

            “Thank you,” Dean said.

            “Of course,” Cas said, “I love you.”

            “Love you too,” Dean said with a smile.

           

            Cas knocked on Dean’s door exactly 4 minutes later and Dean answered it, throwing his arms around his boyfriend immediately.

            “So you wanna talk about it?” Cas asked, taking a careful step into the apartment.

            Dean let Cas go and shut the door. “Yeah, but let’s go sit down.”

            “Okay,” Cas said, taking Dean’s hand as they walked to the couch. “So…”

            “I just…” Dean began but started over, “I was in my bed, and you weren’t there. I could smell you on the other pillow and I thought about how much happier I’ve been since you came into my life, how much I want you in my life. You make my life better…you make _me_ better. and I don’t ever want to be without that.”

            “I feel the same way,” Cas said, “but what did you mean by ‘no matter what that means?’”

            “I don’t know,” Dean lied, “I guess just that I want you, cursed or not; past relationships, strange family members, your cold feet against mine as we sleep,” he laughed, “it’s all worth it if I get to love you.”

            “Dean,” Cas said, clearly taken aback and slightly overwhelmed, “I feel the same way about you. I don’t care what you’ve been through, I don’t care about your baggage, I’ll help you carry it.”

            “Cas,” Dean said, tearing up. Cas pulled Dean into his arms and hugged him tight. “I love you,” Dean said, “I know I don’t say it enough…”

            “Just once was enough,” Cas said, “I know you love me, even when you don’t say it.”

            Dean sat there for a while in Cas’s arms. He knew Cas meant what he said, but he still didn’t want to make things weird. He really was okay with the way their sex life was and even if Cas wouldn’t judge Dean, there was no reason to push it on him. As he thought this, he realized that as many times as he’d said it to other people, this was the first time he actually meant it. He didn’t need the kinky sex, he just needed Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come talk to me at bulwinklewinchester.tumblr.com


	29. Chapter 29

            After their conversation, Cas came to accept that he was never going to have very exciting sex with Dean, but it didn’t matter. He loved Dean and just having his love was enough. He took his box of sex toys and stuck it on the shelf in his closet, realizing he didn’t really need them anymore.

            More time passed and his relationship with Dean had reached a comfortable place that neither of them wanted to change quite yet. It was a strange, Cas thought, to be happy again. He had always assumed that when he dated someone else, he would always have this fear that they would cheat on him or leave him for someone else. It wasn’t that way with Dean. He still had moments of panic when Dean was keeping a secret or canceled their plans, but Cas was always able to talk himself down.

            He talked to Dean about it one night as they sat on his couch. “You know, sometimes I worry you’re going to find someone else.”

            “Why?” Dean asked.

            “Because I’m nothing special,” Cas said, “I’m actually kind of a mess, and I know you said all those things a few weeks ago, but sometimes I forget and honestly, I wouldn’t blame you if you did leave me for someone better.”

            “Cas,” Dean said seriously, “there is no one better for me than you. You know what it’s like to be broken. You don’t judge me for not being totally put back together. Anyone else would have been sick of my shit months ago, but you’re still here. The least I can do is return the favor.”

            “I love you,” Cas said, kissing Dean lightly.

            “Love you too, Cas,” Dean said. After a few minutes of silence, he asked, “Is there anything you would change?”

            Cas was taken aback, but he quickly recovered and answered, “No. I like things the way they are. There’s nothing about our relationship that I’m unhappy about.”

            “Yeah,” Dean said, “but I mean…is there something you want that we don’t have? Just because there’s nothing you don’t like doesn’t mean there’s not something missing.”

            Cas shook his head, “I’m happy, Dean, anything else would be icing on the cake.”

            “Maybe the cake needs some icing,” Dean said sadly.

            “Dean, are you not happy?” Cas asked.

            “No, I am,” Dean said, “Hell, I’m happier than I’ve ever been,”

            “Then what is it?” Cas asked.

            “I don’t know, really,” Dean lied, “I just sometimes get the feeling that things between us aren’t as good as they could be. Like, we’re both happy but we could be happier, you know?”

            “Well,” Cas said, “if you figure it out, let me know. I want you to be happy, Dean.”

            Dean chuckled, “What did I do to deserve you?”

            “You loved me,” Cas said.

            Cas wondered if he had somehow let something show, if Dean somehow picked up on the fact that their sex life wasn’t his ideal. Or maybe he talked to Becky and she had let something slip. He mentally shook his head. He knew he was being ridiculous.

            The subject dropped and neither of them said anything more of the subject. Dean went home that night, claiming he just wanted his bed and had to get up early anyway. Cas kissed him goodbye and made him promise they were still going out the next night.

            “Of course,” Dean said, “I still need to beat you at mini-golf.”

            “You didn’t win last time, what makes you think you’re gonna win this time?”

            “Just a hunch,” Dean said with a wink.

            “If you say so,” Cas said, giving him one last kiss. “See you tomorrow.”

            “Yeah, see ya, Cas.”

            Cas went to bed, the vaguely unsettling feeling still looming over his head. He wondered if there really was something Dean wanted and wondered if there was something he could do to make Dean even a little bit happier. He resolved to try to talk to Jo about it soon and made a note of it in his phone before going to bed.


	30. Chapter 30

            Dean picked up Cas for their date the next night and Cas realized how much he had come to love Dean’s car. It felt like a second (or third, if you counted Dean’s apartment) home.

            They drove to the newly opened for the season mini-gold course and selected their putters and balls. Dean grabbed a score card and pencil and led Cas to the first hole.

            “Let’s make this interesting,” Dean suggested, placing his ball on the ground, “Loser makes dinner.”

            “You’re on,” Cas said, trying not to think about the last time they made something interesting.

            Dean kept a small lead for the first half of the course, Cas trailing by a few points. Dean had a little trouble on the eighth hole and Cas couldn’t help a chuckle when he got three over par.

            “You know what? Blow me, Cas,” Dean said, retrieving his ball from the hole.

            “Such language,” Cas said, pretending to be offended.

            “I’m about 100% sure you’ve heard me say worse,” Dean laughed.

            “True,” Cas said, as they walked to the next hole, “That doesn’t make it any better.”

            When Cas went to take his shot, Dean stood very close to him. Cas turned his head to look at him. “What are you doing, Dean?”

            “Nothing, just watching you take your shot.” Cas narrowed his eyes. “Just take the shot, Cas.”

            “Would you mind giving me a little space?” Cas asked.

            “I would, actually,” Dean said, “I want to make sure you’re not cheating.”

            “Dean, you know I don’t cheat.”

            “I _think_ that you don’t cheat, I just want to be safe. There’s some pretty high stakes after all.”

            Cas rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to the ball. He lined up his shot and just as he was about to hit it, Dean coughed loudly. Cas’s putter connected with the ball with far less force than he had intended and the ball only got about halfway to the hole.

            “You did that on purpose,” Cas said, turning to Dean.

            “Maybe,” Dean said with a smirk, “now move, it’s my turn.”

            “Oh, two can play at that game,” Cas said.

            “Except, now I’m expecting it,” Dean said.

            “You’re not giving me enough credit,” Cas said, “I know you better than you think I do.”

            “We’ll see,” Dean said, a challenge clear in his voice.

            He got in position to take his shot and Cas let out a calm “fuck” as he took his swing. Dean’s ball flew off the course and Dean fixed Cas with a glare. “You suck.”

            “Depends on your perspective. I’d say I was pretty successful.”

            “I call Mulligan,” Dean said.

            “You don’t get Mulligans in mini golf,” Cas said.

            “Fine,” Dean grumbled, retrieving his ball, “take your next shot.”

            Cas sunk his ball with the next shot despite Dean trying to distract him and Dean pouted as he took three shots to sink his ball.

            The rest of the game went like that, their attempts at distraction getting bolder. Dean slapping Cas on the butt, Cas kissing Dean’s cheek, Cas promising a fun time later and Dean responding with greater detail.

            By the time Dean sunk his ball on the last hole, he was seven points behind and had all but given up on winning. “So what are you making for dinner?” Cas asked with a smirk.

            “Whatever your least favorite food is,” Dean teased.

            “Well I _hate_ steak,” Cas said sarcastically.

            Dean laughed and lead Cas back to the car. “I don’t think I have steak, but I have some hamburger.”

            “I think that will be acceptable,” Cas said with mock disappointment.

            Dean laughed and took Cas’s hand in his. “You’re lucky I love you.”

            “I am,” Cas agreed, “I can’t imagine what my life would be like without you.”

            “Yeah, back at you,” Dean said, giving him a light kiss before opening the door for him. “I love you.”

            “Love you too,” Cas said, squeezing his hand before releasing it and getting into the car.

            Dean walked around the front of the Car and Cas honked the horn as he passed the hood, laughing when Dean jumped.

            “You can’t use my baby against me,” Dean said as he got into the car.

            “But I just did,” Cas said with a teasing smile.

            Dean shook his head and drove them to his apartment.

            He offered Cas a beer as he got out the stuff to make dinner. Cas took the bottle and leaned against the counter and watched Dean work. “I like watching you cook,” he said.

            Dean smiled shyly and ducked his head. “I don’t know why,” he muttered.

            “It’s a lot of things,” Cas said, even though the comment was clearly rhetorical. “I like the way your hands move almost gracefully, I like the way you seem so comfortable, even if you’ve never made the dish before, I like the little facial expressions you make when you’re concentrating on doing something just right. I like how happy you seem to be while you’re creating something.”

            “You get all that from watching me cook?” Dean asked, shocked.

            “Well watching you cook and the fact that I know you,” Cas explained, “We’ve been together long enough that I’ve learned all these little things about you, and I love that.”

            Dean smiled at him. “I love it too. And I’ve noticed things about you too,” he said.

            “Like what?” Cas asked, taking a sip of his beer.

            “Like you always kind of fiddle with your beer bottles, especially when you’re being shy. Or the way you get so focused while you play the piano, and how that concentration is even more intense when you play something you’ve written.”

            “I haven’t written much,” Cas reminded Dean, “Just that one song and a few little snippets of melody here and there.”

            “That doesn’t matter,” Dean said, “You just look so peaceful when you’re focused on music and I love it.”

            Cas blushed and picked at the label of his bottle and then smiled when he realized he was doing exactly what Dean had mentioned. “I love you,” Cas said quietly.

            “I love you too,” Dean said and suddenly he was lifting Cas’s chin with a light touch. “I mean it, I love everything about you, even the things that are a little annoying.”

            “When do I annoy you?” Cas asked, squinting in confusion.

            “Your feet are freezing but you always insist on pressing them against my legs when we sleep,” Dean began. “You listen to opera in your car, which, by the way, is why we take mine everywhere.”

            Cas laughed, “You watch Doctor Sexy with more focus than is strictly necessary and refuse to let me even touch you except during commercial breaks.”

            “You text with perfect grammar and punctuation. Like all the time.”

            “You leave your wet towels on the bathroom floor.”

            “You watch me sleep.”

             “You snore.”

            They both fell into a fit of giggles and Dean returned his attention back to the hamburgers. “Well it’s a good thing we love each other or else all of those things would be really frustrating.”

            “Yeah,” Cas said, twirling his bottle in his hands, “To be fair it’s a cute snore.”

            “Thanks, Cas,” Dean said sarcastically, but he smiled as he finished making dinner.

            Cas watched him and couldn’t resist wrapping his arms around Dean’s waist. He kissed his neck and smiled against the skin there. “Do you see a future with me?” he asked quietly.

            “Depends what you mean by future,” Dean said. Cas’s face fell.

            “I mean, do you see us being together for a while, do you think we’ll have a life together? That kind of thing.”

            “I haven’t really thought about it,” Dean said, flipping the burgers. “I’ve been too busy enjoying what we have now.”

            “So you’re content to keep things the way they are for now?”

            “Like I said, I haven’t really thought about it, but yeah, the way things are now is pretty great.”

            “What if I’m not?” Cas asked.

            Dean turned to look at him. “What do you mean?”

            “I don’t need a commitment or anything,” Cas said, “but I just kind of want to know that this is going somewhere, you know?”

            Dean smiled, “I have no plans to leave you. You’re one of the best things that’s ever happened to me, I’m not giving that up.”

            “Okay,” Cas said. “I’m sorry. It’s just hard for me because Crowley never committed at all. He never implied a future with me at all, never treated me like more than a casual fling, even after we moved in together. I can’t have that again.”

            “I’ll never do that to you,” Dean said, “and if you think I am, tell me because I can promise I don’t mean to.”

            “Thank you, Dean,” Cas said, “That means a lot to me.”

            “For what it’s worth,” Dean said, “I could see myself living with you, growing old with you, all that stuff. Just not yet.”

            “That’s all I need to hear,” Cas said, kissing Dean soundly on the mouth, “I know it’s pretty early in the relationship to really think about that, but I needed to hear it.”

            “I know,” Dean said, “and I want you to know that I plan on loving you for a _very_ long time.”

            “Back at ya.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come talk to me at bullwinklewinchester.tumblr.com


	31. Chapter 31

            When Cas called Jo, he was nervous, but he knew that Jo knew Dean better than anyone (except Sam) and he really wanted to have this conversation in person.

            “Hey, Cas,” Jo answered the phone.

            “Hello, Jo,” Cas said, “I was wondering if we could talk. In person.”

            “Uh, sure, Cas,” Jo said, “Meet me at the roadhouse for dinner?”

            “Sure,” Cas said, not having made solid plans with Dean for the night.

            “Alright, see you there around six.”

            “Sounds good, thanks.”

            When Cas met with Jo, he was even more nervous. He wasn’t really sure how to bring up the subject and he wasn’t even sure that Jo would know anything let alone tell him anything if she did.

            “So,” Jo said, bringing them burgers and fries, “what did you wanna talk about?”

            “I’m just…” Cas began and then took a deep breath, “I’m worried that Dean’s not as happy as he could be with our relationship, but he won’t tell me if there’s something missing. I was wondering if maybe he’s talked to you about it.”

            “This is really something you should talk about with Dean,” Jo said, “not me.”

            “I know,” Cas said, “and I’ve tried, but he insists that things are fine.”

            “But you don’t believe him?” Jo asked.

            “I don’t know,” Cas said, “I mean, the way he said it made it seem like he was happy with the way things are but that he could be happier. And it bothers me that I don’t know how to make him happier.”

            “Well,” Jo said, “I’d talk to him again, let him know that you want to make him happier and you want to know how. But you know, he could actually be really happy right now.”

            “You’re lying,” Cas said, “you know something.”

            “Okay, maybe I do, but he told me a while ago and I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone, so I’m not going to.”

            “You can’t do this to me,” Cas said, “you can’t tell me that Dean wants something and not tell me what it is. I just want to make him happy.”

            “You do,” Jo said, “You make him happier than I’ve ever seen him and he loves you. He hasn’t told you that there’s something he wants because he doesn’t want to seem like he’s pushing you. It’s not a big deal to him, so he’s not going to ask you for it.”

            “Because he thinks I won’t want it?” Cas asked, “that seems a little odd. He’s asked me for things before.”

            “Not like this,” Jo said, “he thinks that if you say yes, it’d be a little better, but if you say no, things will get weird and awkward or worse, that you’d be offended.”

            “Okay, now I need to know what I’m not doing that Dean wants because if he thinks I’d be offended by it, he’s probably wrong.”

            “Just talk to him,” Jo urged, “you can tell him I’ve told you this much because he’s too much of a baby to tell you himself, maybe he’ll actually man up and let you know what it is.”

            “Okay, thank you, Jo.” They ate in silence for a while before Cas asked Jo how she was.

            “I’m good,” Jo said, “school is nuts, but I can handle it.”

            “You could handle anything,” Cas said.

            “Thanks, Cas,” Jo smiled at him. “You know I still can’t believe you and Dean have been together for over six months already.”

            “Me either,” Cas said.

            “Wish I could find someone…” Jo said sadly.

            “You will,” Cas said, “and when you do, it’ll be all the better for having waited.”

            “You think so?” Jo asked skeptically.

            “You deserve it,” Cas said, “you’re a good person, don’t settle for someone who’s not.”

            “Thanks, Cas,” Jo said, “and you know, for now I think I’m better off alone, better able to focus on school and family.”

            “You know what’s important to you and you stick to it. I admire that about you.”

            “Why don’t I spend more time with you?” Jo teased, “You’re nicer to me than my mom.”

            “Well I didn’t raise you,” Cas said, “I think she gets a little leeway there.”

            Jo laughed and kicked Cas lightly under the table. “I think I might like you better than that dope of a boyfriend you have.”

            “Hey, Dean may be a dope, but he’s my dope,” Cas said, waving a fry in her face.

            “Yeah, I know. I love him like a brother but god knows how you put up with his shit.”

            “I put up with his ‘shit’” Cas said, putting the word in air quotes, “because I love him. In fact, some of the things that annoy me about him are actually surprisingly endearing.”

            Jo laughed, “You have such a positive outlook on that,” she said, “try to move some of that onto yourself. Dean loves you and even if he doesn’t like certain things you do, he actually kinda does.”

            Cas was taken aback by Jo’s statement. The fact that she reiterated the sentiment Dean had expressed the day before told Cas that she was probably right and that Dean really meant what he had said. He smiled. Knowing that Dean felt that way about him lifted his spirits and pushed all thoughts of their overly-simple sex life out of his mind. He was still worried that Dean wanted to change something about their relationship, but he decided that if it wasn’t a big deal to Dean then he wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. After all, Cas was doing the same thing with the sex.

            “Thank you so much, Jo,” Cas said, “I needed to hear that. And I’ll try to follow your advice.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come talk to me at bullwinklewinchester.tumblr.com


	32. Chapter 32

            Dean had settled into a comfortable contentment with his and Cas’s relationship. He barely thought about kinkier sex anymore, and after a few more weeks, he and Cas were spending almost every night together. There was something immensely satisfying about sleeping in your boyfriend’s bed and Dean did it as much as he could. It was nice to wake up in Cas’s arms or to his humming as he brought him breakfast in bed.

            It was weird, how they seemed to have just arrived at an agreement to always stay at Cas’s. The day Dean realized this, Cas woke him up with a gentle nudge and a quiet, “Dean?” and Dean could smell the bacon before he even opened his eyes.

            “Morning,” he mumbled, looking up at Cas’s face where he stood next to the bed.

            “I brought you breakfast,” Cas said. Dean sat up and Cas took the tray from the bedside table and moved it onto Dean’s lap.

            “Pancakes,” Dean said as excitedly as he could after just waking up.

            “Not as good as yours,” Cas said, “but I hope they’ll do.”

            Dean smiled up at Cas, gesturing for him to join him on the bed. Cas crawled back under the covers and leaned against the headboard as Dean began to eat. He snagged a piece of bacon and Dean took a bite of the pancakes. “They’re great,” Dean said, “Mine are better, though,” he teased, nudging Cas.

            “Told you,” Cas said, “there’s a reason you cook more than me.”

            “Or maybe I’m better because I cook more often,” Dean mused.

            “Either way, I prefer your cooking.”

            Dean smiled around a forkful of pancakes and offered some to Cas, feeding him off his own fork.

            Cas smiled and leaned his head against Dean’s shoulders. “I love you.”

            “I know,” Dean said with a laugh, “I love you too.”

            “You know, we always seem to end up here,” Dean said, “When did that start?”

            “I don’t know,” Cas admitted, “not that I mind.”

            “I don’t either,” Dean assured him, “just something I’ve noticed.”

            “Okay,” Cas said, leaning further against Dean.

            They ended up spending most of the morning in bed, finally getting up to shower around noon. They didn’t do much, just cuddling and light kisses, and Dean loved it. It was peaceful and it made him forget everything that he was unhappy with, at least for a few hours.

            They were eating lunch and discussing their plans for the rest of the day. The weekly family dinner was moved to that evening because Jo had a test on Monday and wanted to spend all day Sunday studying. Cas was joining them, as he had been, but it was his first time hosting.

            “Do I need to clean?” Cas asked.

            “Cas, your house is never actually dirty, I think you’re fine,” Dean assured him, taking a bite of his sandwich.

            “I just want this to go well,” Cas said, “you’ll help me cook if I need it, right?”

            “Of course,” Dean said, “I wouldn’t leave you to fend for yourself in the kitchen.”

            “I’m getting better,” Cas said, “don’t forget, I made you breakfast today.”

            “All the same,” Dean said, “I’d rather help you out in the kitchen than have you stuck in here by yourself.”

            “I don’t mind,” Cas said, “I like your family, but I don’t think I’ll miss out on too much in here.”

            “Then I wouldn’t either,” Dean pointed out.

            “Okay, but I don’t think I’ll need help,” Cas said, giving in. He did that a lot with Dean, especially when it wasn’t really that important. He always felt a little bad letting Dean deprive himself of something, but he knew there was no way he’d ever win an argument like that.

            “So what are you making?” Dean asked.

            “I was going to make lasagna and garlic bread,” Cas said.

            “You know you have to make the garlic bread from scratch, right?” Dean said, “Ellen can tell if it’s store bought.”

            Cas laughed, “I’m sure she could. I was planning on buying some fresh bread from the bakery as well, just to make it really good.”

            “Sounds great,” Dean said.

            They went grocery shopping after that, each buying their groceries for the week, laughing and smiling at each other as they worked their way through the store. Dean smiled widely when Cas put a six pack of his favorite beer into his basket and then put one in his own. Dean picked out a bunch of junk food for his house, and finally caving and buying those rice cakes that Cas was oddly fond of.

            “I like going shopping with you,” Dean said as they waited in the checkout line.

            “I enjoy it as well,” Cas said, eying a soda cooler a few lanes over. “You want something to drink?” he asked.

            “Sure,” Dean said, “a Coke would be great.”

            “Be right back,” Cas said, handing Dean his basket. He pulled two bottles from the cooler and returning to Dean. He put both bottles in his basket and took it back just as it was Dean’s turn.

            They brought Dean’s groceries to his apartment and then went back to Cas’s. By the time they got the groceries put away, it was almost five, so Cas put the noodles on to boil. Dean found a pot and began browning the hamburger.

            “I can do that, Dean,” Cas said.

            “I got it,” Dean said, “you can start on the garlic bread.”

            “You know, I’m supposed to be making it,” Cas said.

            “And I’m doing the tedious stuff,” Dean said with a shrug.

            “But I don’t want you to,” Cas said, “I can do all of this, I’m not going to screw anything up.”

            “I never said that,” Dean said, turning from the stove.

            “You might as well have,” Cas said, “you don’t think I can cook.”

            “Just because I’m better doesn’t mean you’re bad,” Dean said.

            “And it also doesn’t mean you get to take over my meal,” Cas countered.

            “Fine,” Dean said, “if you don’t want my help, I’ll be in the living room.”

            “Good,” Cas said with a huff, pulling out a colander and setting it in the sink before returning to the stove and stirring the hamburger.

            Dean stood in the doorway between the kitchen and living room for a few minutes, watching Cas move around. He sighed, realizing that he had been a jerk. “I’m sorry,” Dean said quietly.

            “Okay,” Cas said, sliding the bread from the bag onto a baking sheet.

            “You forgive me?” Dean asked.

            “Of course I do,” Cas said, looking up at Dean, “I’ll always forgive you. Now go find a game or something to watch before they all get here.”

            “Okay,” Dean said with a soft smile, “and for what it’s worth, you’re getting better.”

            “Thanks,” Cas said with a chuckle.

            He continued to get everything put together and by the time everything was in the oven, Bobby, Ellen and Jo were all settled on the couch with beers watching a baseball game on TV.

            Cas took a beer for himself and joined them, not really paying much attention to the game. He mostly watched Dean’s reactions and smiled at how intense he got over a sport that Cas himself had never had much interest in.

            Luckily, Dean and Bobby hadn’t bet this time as the game went into extra innings and Bobby’s team won by a single run. The timer went off shortly after the game ended and they made their way into the kitchen. “You have a beautiful house, Castiel,” Ellen said, “Never got a chance to tell you before.”

            “Thank you, Ellen,” Cas said with a smile, setting the food in the middle of the table. “Does anyone need a new drink?” Everyone declined and Cas joined them at the table. It was a fairly typical dinner and no one said anything negative about Cas’s cooking. Cas was surprised at how easily he got along with Dean’s family and he wished, not for the first time, that Gabriel lived closer and could meet Dean. He wasn’t sure they would get along, but he would like them to at least be in the same room.

            When everyone else had left, Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and nuzzled his neck. “Thank you,” he said.

            “For what?” Cas asked, hugging him back.

            “For having my family over. It means a lot that you guys get along.”

            “I know,” Cas said, “I really like them, I was happy to have them over.”

            “Bed?” Dean asked, placing a kiss on Cas’s neck.

            “Yeah,” Cas giggled, taking Dean’s hand, “let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come talk to me at bullwinklewinchester.tumblr.com


	33. Chapter 33

            The next day, they woke up early and showered and then drove to Dean’s apartment so he could get dressed in his church clothes. They made their way to the church, just making it in time for Cas to make his way to the piano.

            “You should just keep clothes at my house,” Cas said as they walked into the building, “it would save us so much time.”

            “I know it would,” Dean said with a sigh, “but I’m not really ready for that yet.”

            “We’ll talk about this later,” Cas said, “because we need to, but I need to go set up.”

            “Okay,” Dean agreed, kissing him on the cheek before sliding away to sit in his pew.

            The service was nice and Cas met up with Dean and his family afterwards. His novelty had worn off a few months ago and he was only pulled away for a few simple greetings on his way out of the church. It was a nice day and most of the congregation had stuck around outside, enjoying the company and the sunshine.

            Dean was chatting with Jo about something apparently unimportant since he broke off the conversation mid-sentence to greet his boyfriend.

            “Hey, Cas.”

            “Hello, Dean, Hello Bobby, Ellen, Jo,” Cas said, turning to each of them as he said their names.

            “Beautiful playing as always,” Ellen said.

            “Thank you, that is very kind,” Cas said, a slight blush creeping to his cheeks.

            “You ready to go?” Dean asked, “Jo’s gotta go study.”

            “Yes,” Cas said and then turned to Jo once more, “I’m sure you will do well.”

            “Thanks, Cas,” Jo said with a smile.

            “Well it’s the truth,” Cas said.

            “Just say ‘you’re welcome’ and let’s go,” Dean said, taking Cas’s hand.

            “You’re welcome, Jo,” Cas said as he was pulled toward the Impala by his eager boyfriend. “What’s the rush?” Cas asked as Dean opened his door and practically shoved him inside.

            “I just want to get out of these clothes,” Dean said, “and get you out of those clothes.”

            “What had gotten into you?” Cas asked as Dean pulled out of the church parking lot.

            “I just know that we have to have a pretty big conversation, and I want to sleep with you one more time before we do,” he said more calmly.

            “Dean, I don’t think we should,” Cas said, “I don’t want to just push this conversation later and later. We need to talk about this.”

            Dean sighed, “Fuck, why do you always have to be right?”

            “I’m not always right,” Cas said quietly, ducking his head, “I’ve been wrong so many times before, even with you.”

            “And don’t think we aren’t going to be talking about _that_ ,” Dean said.

            “Yeah, I guess we have to,” Cas said. “Where are we going?”

            “Neutral ground,” Dean said, “either of our places would be too personal, it’d be hard to really talk about it in either place.”

            “Okay…” Cas said, “where exactly is that?”

            “The Roadhouse,” Dean said, “Doesn’t open for a few hours and Ellen always lets me use the back room when I need to.”

            “Okay,” Cas said, staring out the window. They drove the rest of the way in silence and when they pulled into the mostly empty parking lot, Cas found himself getting nervous. Dean led the way into the tavern and into the back room primarily used for private parties and thus rarely used. Dean pulled out a chair and sat down. Cas sat across the table and immediately felt weird. “I feel like this is a business negotiation,” he said.

            “Sorry,” Dean said, pulling his chair around to the end of the table, almost right next to Cas. “Better?”

            “Yeah,” Cas said. So…”

            “So…” Dean responded.

            “I really just want you to start keeping things at my house, is that really such a big deal? I already buy beer and snack foods that you like.”

            “And I do the same for you,” Dean said, “but the difference is that we’re still buying those things. We made the decision to pay for them and keep them in our house, even if we don’t intend on using them ourselves.”

            Cas squinted. “So this is about your desire to keep the things you buy for yourself in your own home? Do you realize how silly that sounds?”

            “Yeah, I do, Cas, but it’s how I feel, and I can’t change that.”

            “Can’t or won’t?” Cas asked.

            “Jesus, Cas, I can’t just _want_ to bring clothes to your house. I can’t make myself want that, and as much as I love you, you can’t make me either.”

            “What about the other way?” Cas asked. “Am I allowed to leave things at your place?”

            “I just…I don’t know, Cas, okay? I mean, I don’t know how I’d feel about you having a drawer in my dresser or whatever it is you’d want.”

            “I don’t really know what I want, Dean, just some kind of sign that we’re moving forward, I guess, something to let me know you want my around. That’s what I was trying to offer you.”

            “And I appreciate that,” Dean said, “I really do, but I just can’t do that yet. I mean, with Cassie…”

            Cas cut him off, “This isn’t about Cassie,” he said, “our relationship is its own thing, and I understand your past is going to affect it, but you can’t compare what you two had and what we have. It’s not fair.”

            “I was going to say that with Cassie, it kinda just slowly happened. I left a few things there and that was it. We never made a big deal about it or even talked about it.”

            “But that’s not the kind of person I am,” Cas said, “you should know that.”

            Dean ran a hand over his face. “I do, but sometimes I wish you weren’t.”

            “Well I can’t just change that part of me,” Cas said, “I need to talk things out.”

            “And I’m not big on talking, you should know that too.”

            “Most people agree that communication is important to a relationship,” Cas said, “so however you feel about it, we need to talk.”

            “I know,” Dean admitted, “I just never thought it would be about this.”

            “Me either,” Cas admitted with a small smile. “Honestly I’m surprised we haven’t left things at each other’s places already.”

            “I’ve been avoiding it on purpose,” Dean said, “I’m not really ready to take that step.”

            “Okay,” Cas said, “I can understand that. It’s just a little frustrating when you have to go home to change or I have to wait for you to pack before you come over.”

            “I know, it’s frustrating for me to, but it just feels better to me. I don’t know, something about keeping clothes at your house seems to imply a kind of permanence and I just can’t handle that right now.”

            “You already have a toothbrush there,” Cas pointed out.

            “Yeah, but you bought it,” Dean said, “I don’t really think of it as mine.”

            “That’s a little weird. You can’t get much more personal than a toothbrush.”

            “I can’t explain why it’s different,” Dean said, “It just is.”

            “Okay,” Cas said, “I’ll drop it for now, but it’s something that needs to happen, preferably soon.”

            “Well, it will happen,” Dean said, “probably slowly, but it will.”

            “Thank you, Dean,” Cas said, “and if I ever leave something at your place that you feel uncomfortable with, let me know.”

            “We spend most nights at your house anyway,” Dean laughed.

            “Fair point,” Cas said with a grin.

            “You wanna get some lunch while we’re here?” Dean asked.

            “Sounds great,” Cas said, standing up and taking Dean’s hand. They walked into the main room and Ellen shoved them into a booth and took their orders.

            “I’m glad we talked,” Dean said as soon as she was out of earshot.

            “Me too,” Cas said, giving Dean’s hand a squeeze. Things were going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come talk to me at bullwinklewinchester.tumblr.com


	34. Chapter 34

            The week passed without much incident and before either of them knew it, it was Friday night. “What do you want to do?” Cas asked as he watched Dean pack a bag for the weekend.

            “I don’t know,” Dean said, “I kind of just feel like watching Star Trek and eating pizza.”

            “Sounds like a plan,” Cas said with a smile.

            Cas carried Dean’s bag out to the Impala, not saying anything about him leaving things there. He didn’t want to push Dean, knew that Dean would come around in his own time. “So you’re staying all weekend?” he asked.

            “Yeah, is that okay?”

            “Of course, just wanted to make sure.”

            They made it to Cas’s house in a few minutes and Cas ordered pizza while Dean brought his bag upstairs. They cuddled on the couch, watching the Star Trek movie. “Chris Pine is way hotter than Shatner,” Dean said, “No contest, but Quinto and a young Leonard Nimoy, that’s a tossup.”

            “Are you kidding? Quinto is way hotter,” Cas said, matter-of-factly.

            “I’d question your judgment,” Dean teased, “but you are dating me.”

            Cas lightly smacked him with a pillow and soon they were totally engaged in a pillow fight. They fell to the floor, Dean getting on top of Cas and tickling his ribs. “You know I’m not ticklish,” Cas said.

            “I still have to try,” Dean said, lightly running his hands up Cas’s sides. Cas rolled them over and got his fingers under Dean’s arm pits, tickling him until he was breathless with laughter.

            “This is so not fair,” Dean complained.

            “You’re right,” Cas said, ceasing his attack, “but I love your laugh.”

            Dean huffed out a sarcastic chuckle. They stayed there for a few moments until the doorbell rang. “Pizza’s here,” Cas said, standing up.

            “Good,” Dean said, following him. Cas got the pizza and Dean grabbed them both a beer, meeting him back on the couch. Cas took a sip of his beer as Dean claimed the first piece of pizza. It had almost become routine for Dean to get the first slice, and Cas wondered when that started and why.

            “We missed like ten minutes of the movie,” Dean said, skipping back to where they were.

            “We’ve both seen this movie at least twelve times,” Cas said, “I don’t think it matters.”

            “But it does,” Dean said, “I pick up new things each time I watch it.”

            Cas shook his head and smiled indulgently. He ate his pizza and drank his beer, watching Dean more than the movie. By the time the movie was over, the pizza was gone, they were both on their second beer and Dean was cuddled comfortably in Cas’s arms. “I’m never going to get tired of this,” he murmured sleepily.

            “Me either,” Cas said, placing a light kiss on Dean’s head.

            “Wanna go upstairs?” Dean asked.

            “Sure,” Cas said. He stood up and swept Dean into his arms, carrying him up the stairs. Dean giggled but allowed Cas to carry him. Cas laid him gently on the bed. He crawled over him and kissed him softly on the mouth. “I love you,” he said.

            “Love you too,” Dean said, bringing a hand up to Cas’s cheek. They smiled at each other for a few minutes, their foreheads pressed together. “You wanna top?” Cas asked.

            “Actually, I kind of just want to go to sleep,” Dean said.

            “Okay,” Cas said, giving Dean a light peck on the lips before rolling off to the side. They both stripped down to their underpants and climbed under the covers. Dean snuggled close to Cas and sighed contentedly into his chest. Cas smiled and smoothed a hand down his back.

            They fell asleep quickly and neither of them woke until eight the next morning. Cas gently untangled himself from Dean’s sleeping form, but Dean woke up anyway, smiling sleepily at Cas. “Morning,” he said, his voice husky with sleep.

            “Good morning,” Cas said, running a hand through his hair. “You sleep okay?”

            “Yeah,” Dean said, “you?”

            “Yeah,” Cas said, “I always sleep well when you’re with me.”

            “Me too,” Dean said, sitting up. He yawned, which caused Cas to as well and they both chuckled. “You want some breakfast?” Dean asked.

            “Sure,” Cas said, “Omelets?”

            “Whatever you want,” Dean said, leaning in for a kiss before getting out of bed. He pulled on his clothes and headed downstairs. Cas followed him, wearing nothing but a pair of sweatpants. “You’re not putting on a shirt?” Dean asked as they walked down the stairs.

            “I’m a little warm,” Cas said with a shrug.

            “Really?” Dean asked, “I’m perfectly fine.”

            “Well good for you,” Cas said sarcastically.

            “You’ve gotten way too good at sarcasm since we started dating,” Dean said with a laugh.

            “So you admit it’s your fault.”

            “Yes, I will take the blame for you becoming more sarcastic.”

            Cas chuckled and kissed Dean on the cheek before leaning against the counter and letting Dean go about making breakfast. He watched his boyfriend with interest, watching his hands as they deftly cracked eggs or whisked them until they were nice and fluffy.

            He allowed himself a few minutes of this before deciding to start the coffee. By the time everything was done, Cas had stolen a few more kisses and almost burned himself trying to wrap his arms around Dean.

            “Cas,” Dean said, “I love you, but you have to be more careful.”

            “I guess so,” Cas said, removing his arms and letting Dean slide the omelet onto a plate. They ate at the kitchen table, smiling at each other and playing footsie while they talked about their plans for the day.

            “So dinner at the Roadhouse?” Dean asked.

            “Yup, and I was thinking we could take a drive out to the country. There’s supposed to be a meteor shower tonight.”

            “That sounds nice,” Dean said. “What do you want to do for lunch?”

            “Leftovers?” Cas asked, “I still haven’t finished that lasagna.”

            “Sounds good,” Dean said with a smile.

            They spent most of the day in the house. Dean convinced Cas to play him something on the keyboard and Cas convinced Dean to pose for a sketch. “I haven’t drawn in a while,” he admitted nervously.

            “I’m sure it’ll be great,” Dean said with a smile.

            “Thanks,” Cas said, ducking his head down and starting to draw.

            It took almost an hour to get the rough sketch done, but then he showed it to Dean, shyly handing the paper over as he looked at his feet.

            “This is great,” Dean said, and Cas looked up just in time to catch Dean’s smile. “I love it.”

            “I’m glad you like it.”

            “Thank you,” Dean said. “I mean it.”

            “You’re welcome,” Cas said.

            “Can I keep it?” Dean asked.

            “Of course,” Cas said, “I’d love for you to have it.”

            Dean stood and pulled Cas into a hug, trying not to crumple the paper. It was amazing that a small gesture could seem so big, and he realized that everything Cas did for him, from making dinner to letting him pick the movie, made him unbelievably happy. _Cas_ made him unbelievably happy, and he was no longer afraid of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come talk to me at bullwinklewinchester.tumblr.com


	35. Chapter 35

            Dinner at the Roadhouse was fairly typical. They both ate burgers and fries and Dean teased Cas for putting extra pickles on his. Jo joined them on her break, eating a salad that Dean thought looked disgusting, and he said as much.

            “Hey, not all of us want to die of heart disease,” Jo said.

            “Just shut up and eat your rabbit food.”

            “So,” Cas said, “How’s school going?”

            “Pretty good,” Jo said, “It’s kind of stressful sometimes, but it’s worth it.”

            “I’m sure,” Cas said, “you’re going to be a great nurse.”

            “Thanks, Cas,” Jo said, “but I know.”

            Dean threw a French fry at her, hitting her squarely in the chest. “Cocky.”

            “Jerk,” Jo said, taking the fry from where it landed on her plate and sticking it into her mouth.

            They chatted on about nothing in particular until Jo had to go back to work and Dean and Cas finished their food.

            They went back out to the Impala. Cas noticed some clouds on the horizon and hoped out loud that it would stay clear enough for them to see the meteor shower.

            “I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Dean assured him, opening the passenger door.

            They drove out to the fairgrounds just outside of town and parked in the open field. Dean pulled a blanket from the back seat and spread it out of the hood of the car. He gestured for Cas to climb up with him and they laid out on the blanket, their heads resting on the windshield.

            Cas reached over and held Dean’s hand, entwining their fingers and pressing a kiss to Dean’s knuckles before setting their hands down between them. They stared up at the sky, waiting for the stars to start falling.

            “Do you know any constellations?” Dean asked.

            “Not really,” Cas said, “Only the big and little dippers.”

            “Oh,” Dean said, “Me either.”

            They laughed lightly and Cas fell even more in love with Dean simply for that sound. “You ever think about having kids?” he asked after a few moments of silence.

            “Of course,” Dean said, “Who hasn’t?”

            “Do you _want_ kids?” Cas clarified.

            “Of course I do,” Dean said, “I’ve always loved kids, always dreamed of being a dad. Do you?”

            “Yeah,” Cas said, “I always figured that it would happen. Never really fantasized about it or anything, but it’s always been a part of my plan.”

            “I guess that’s the good thing about being with a guy,” Dean joked, “You can’t accidentally have a kid together.”

            Cas laughed, “I guess that’s one way to look at it.”

            “Do you want to have kids with me?” Dean asked.

            “Someday,” Cas said, “If I had to pick someone to raise a kid with, It’d be you.”

            “That’s only cause you love me,” Dean teased, “but yeah, I’d pick you too.”

            “So we’re going to have kids someday?” Cas asked.

            “Yeah, but there’s a lot of other stuff I want to do with you before that.”

            “Oh,” Cas asked, “like what?”

            “Like move in and get married and maybe go on a really long road trip. And other things that are hard to do with a child.”

            “We’ve got the rest of our lives, we don’t need to plan anything concrete yet,” Cas said, remembering Dean’s discomfort with commitment.

            “I know,” Dean said, “I’m just glad to be with you right now.”

            “Me too,” Cas said, giving Dean’s hand a squeeze.

            They turned their attention back to the sky just as the first of the meteors flew across the sky. They watched in silence for a while before Cas said, “My parents used to tell me that shooting stars were angels coming to Earth and when you wished on one, you were really praying to that angel.”

            “That’s actually kind of cute,” Dean said, “what did you wish for?”

            “I used to wish for things like a puppy or a good grade on a test, but as I got older, I wished to better understand my sexuality and then to be happy about it.”

            “Wow,” Dean said, “I wish I knew you back then.”

            “When did you figure all of that out?” Cas asked.

            “I realized I was bi in middle school but didn’t really do anything with that information until my senior year. I was okay with who I was and I was sick of hiding it.”

            “Was it easy for you to come out?”

            “I guess,” Dean said, “I only told those really close to me. None of them treated me any differently. It’s still not something I advertise, but yeah.”

            “If you’re not ashamed, why don’t you want people to know?”

            “I don’t care of people know,” Dean said, “I just don’t make a point to tell people unless I need to. It’s not their business.”

            “That makes sense,” Cas said. They sat in silence for a few more minutes. The clouds rolled in and rain started to sprinkle down on them.

            “Well at least we got to see part of the meteor shower,” Dean said, getting off the hood. Cas followed suit and they got back into the car, only a little wet.

            Cas was giggling as they drove away. “And you said it’d be fine.”

            “Yeah, I may have been wrong,” Dean admitted.

            “You were definitely wrong,” Cas said.

            “Shut up,” Dean said. The rain was picking up and Dean just wanted to get back to Cas’s house. They were just getting back into town when Dean slammed hard on the brakes.

            “What happened?” Cas asked.

            “Think I blew a tire,” Dean said, “stay here.” he got out of the car and went around to look at the front passenger tire. As he suspected, it was flat. “Son of a bitch,” he cursed under his breath. He quickly changed out the tire for the spare and climbed back into the car, dripping wet.

            “Everything okay?” Cas asked.

            “Oh yeah,” Dean said sarcastically, “just great.”

            “Sorry,” Cas said, ducking his head, “let’s get you out of those clothes.”

            Dean drove off, driving carefully on the spare. “I’ll have to get a new one from the shop on Monday. Bobby won’t let me even think about going in on a Sunday, old-fashioned old man.”

            Cas let Dean grumble on until they got to Cas’s house. He was in a pretty bad mood, but Cas knew how important his car was to him, so he put up with it.

            They got back and Cas immediately guided Dean into the shower. “Gotta warm you up,” he said.

            “I think you just want to get me naked,” Dean teased.

            “That is a plus,” Cas laughed, taking off his own clothes. They showered quickly and dried off. Dean threw on his clothes from the day before, but he was still cold.

            “Do you have a sweatshirt or something?” Dean asked, rubbing his arms.

            “Yeah,” Cas said, pulling on a pair of lounge pants, “There’s some hanging in the closet.”

            Dean opened the closet and pulled a sweatshirt off of one of the hangers. As he did, a box fell off the shelf and fell open on the floor. Dean stared in shock at what he saw.

            Laying on the floor was an assortment of sex toys; dildos and plugs and vibes and holy shit those were definitely anal beads. Dean was astonished, but once his mind cleared and he realized what this meant, he turned to Cas. He walked to him and Cas stammered, trying to find the words to explain, but Dean kissed him silent.

            “I love you,” he mumbled against his lips, “I love you so much.” He laughed and Cas pulled away.

            “You’re not…grossed out?” Cas asked.

            “God, no,” Dean said, “Of course not. In fact, I’ve kind of been hoping that we could spice things up, but I didn’t think you’d want to.”

            Cas chuckled slightly. “I thought you wouldn’t like it,” he said, “but now I understand why it always seemed like you wanted something more.”

            “What made you think that?” Dean asked.

            “You just didn’t seem quite as happy as you could be. I talked to Jo and she said I was right but she wouldn’t tell me what it was.”

            “Why didn’t you just ask me?”

            “Because She said that it wasn’t a big deal to you, so I figured I shouldn’t make a big deal of it.”

            “Well if you wanted it, why didn’t you say something?” Dean asked, running a hand down Cas’s back.

            “Because I didn’t really care,” Cas explained, “I figured if you were happy, then I could be happy with the way things were.”

            “Oh, but now we get to have all kinds of wild and kinky sex,” Dean said, “and that is so much better.”

            “Maybe later,” Cas said, “you need to warm up.”

            “You know,” Dean said seductively, moving closer to Cas, “Body heat is an excellent way to warm up.”

            “Oh I know,” Cas said, “but what I have in mind doesn’t involve a lot of skin-on-shin contact.”

            “Holy shit,” Dean whispered, “We should have done this sooner.”

            “Don’t care,” Cas said, tightening his arms around Dean, “I’m just glad we figured it out now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come talk to me at bullwinklewinchester.tumblr.com


	36. Chapter 36

            They slept soundly that night after Dean assured Cas that he was not going to get hypothermia. They woke up in each other’s arms and Dean got up to make Cas breakfast.

            Cas followed Dean down to the kitchen and was swatted at with a pot holder. “I was going to bring it up to you,” Dean said.

            “Well, you know how I like watching you cook,” Cas said, leaning against the counter.

            “You’re so weird,” Dean chuckled and returned his attention back to the eggs he was cooking.

            “But you love me,” Cas said, smiling as he remembered just how okay Dean was with some of his weirder tendencies.

            “That I do,” Dean agreed.

            They didn’t speak again for a few minutes and then Cas said, “I think we should talk about last night.”

            “Oh thank god,” Dean said, “I was afraid you were going to shut me out again.”

            “I assure you, I never meant to do that.”

            “I know,” Dean said, “but yeah, we need to talk about it.”

            “After breakfast,” Cas said simply.

            “Deal,” Dean said, plating up the eggs. They ate at the kitchen table and Cas asked how Dean was feeling.

            “I’m perfectly warm,” Dean said, knowing exactly what Cas meant.

            “Good,” Cas said, “I was actually pretty worried last night.”

            “I know,” Dean said, “I remember you asking me about 12 times if I was warm enough.”

            “Just making sure,” Cas said, slightly embarrassed.

            “Don’t worry about it,” Dean said, “I know your heart was in the right place.”

            “It always is when it comes to you,” Cas promised, “so if you don’t think it is, tell me.”

            “I will,” Dean promised.

            They finished their food quickly and moved into the living room after doing the dishes. Cas began. “So, what you saw, that’s kind of only the beginning of it,” he admitted.

            “Okay,” Dean said, “Care to elaborate?”

            “I like the toys, but I also like bondage, power play, cum play,” he listed them off, a blush creeping into his cheeks.

            “What about orgasm control?” Dean asked.

            “Denial too,” Cas said with a shy smile.

            “Wow,” Dean said, “that sounds awesome.”

            Cas took a dry gulp before looking at Dean. “anything else you’re into?”

            “Well, I haven’t tried it in a while,” Cas said, “but when I was 19, Rhonda Hurley made me try on her panties.”

            “We are definitely getting you some panties,” Cas said, “pretty satin ones with lace trim.”

            “How the hell did you guess my taste in panties of all things?”

            “I didn’t,” Cas admitted, “that’s just what I’d like to see you in.”

            “Yeah, definitely doing that,” Dean agreed.

            “Do you remember New Year’s Eve?” Cas asked.

            “Oh god,” Dean said, “I was hoping you’d forgotten that.”

            “I’m glad I didn’t,” Cas admitted, “I think about it sometimes, when I’m alone.”

            “Holy shit,” Dean said, “anything else you like to think about?”

            “Mostly you; sucking your cock until you cum on my face, licking your ass until you’re begging me to fuck you, fucking you face down into the mattress, so many lovely images that my brain has conjured. I’d like to see them for real though.”

            “Me too,” Dean admitted.

            “Well,” Cas said, “we do have all day with nothing to do…”

            Dean slammed him lips against his lips hard and needy, practically climbing onto his lap.

            “I’ll take that as a yes,” Cas chuckled against his lips.

            Dean moaned into the kiss. “please,” he panted.

            Cas led Dean upstairs and ordered him to strip.

            Dean did, smirking as Cas watched him slowly remove his clothing. “My safe word is Impala. Cas burst out laughing. “What?”

            “Just figures you’d choose your car,” he said with a shrug.

            “Oh shut up,” Dean said, removing his underwear, his cock flopping out against his stomach.

            “Lay down on the bed,” Cas said, “I want to tie you up.”

            “God, yes,” Dean said, practically jumping on the bed. Cas pulled a silk scarf from the box in his closet and used it to secure Dean’s hands together and to the headboard.

            “Does that feel okay?” he asked.

            “Yes,” Dean said, giving the binds a light tug.

            Cas stripped down and climbed on top of Dean, kissing his lips chastely. Then he began to worship him.

            He kissed and licked and touched every inch of Dean’s body, traced patterns into his freckled skin with fingers and lips. After a few minutes, Dean was so hard it hurt and he just needed more. “Please, Cas, just fuck me,” he begged.

            “You’re not ready,” Cas said, pulling the lube from the night stand. He slicked up his fingers and slid one in. “Fuck, you’re so tight,” Cas said, kissing and biting at Dean’s thighs as he continued to stretch him. Dean clenched around Cas’s finger, causing Cas to let out a gasp.

            He continued to stretch Dean, adding more fingers and teasing his prostate every few thrusts. Dean moaned and writhed around. When Cas had three fingers deep inside him, he practically whined. “I’m ready, Cas, please.”

            Cas smiled, pulling his fingers from where they were buried in Dean’s ass and sliding in with a groan. Dean pulled on his restraints, trying to touch Cas, wanting to feel the muscles of his back moving under his fingers.

            Both of them came quickly and Cas pulled out, falling onto the side of the bed next to Dean and releasing his hands. “You okay?” he asked.

            “I’m fucking amazing,” Dean said, “thank you, Cas.”

            “Thank you, Dean,” Cas said, “I’m so glad we did this.”

            “Me too,” Dean said, “I can’t believe we were both so stubborn that we didn’t talk about this before.”

            “Well I’m not making that mistake again,” Cas assured him, pulling him in close to cuddle against his chest.

            “Me either,” Dean promised. They fell asleep together like that, neither one of them caring about the mess between them, they were just happy to be together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come talk to me at bullwinklewinchester.tumblr.com


	37. Chapter 37

            Christmas had been a much bigger Deal since Dean and Cas adopted an adorable four year old three years ago. Mary had not stopped talking about seeing uncle Sammy (a nick name Sam himself only allowed because his niece was so adorable) and about the pretty things she was going to make for Auntie Jo and Bobby and Ellen (the two had refused to be called grandparents, even honorary ones).

            When Christmas Eve came, Sam being home from law school had lost its novelty and all Mary cared about was getting presents. “You know,” Cas pointed out, “It’s not all about getting gifts. It’s about celebrating Jesus’s birth and spending time with family.”

            “I know,” Mary said, “but we talk about Jesus every week at church, and we see Bobby, Ellen and Jo more than that. I only get presents twice a year.”  
            Dean sighed and pulled her into his lap. “You know how your birthday is special, right?”

            “Yeah,” Mary said, “it’s my special day.”

            “Well, this is Jesus’s special day, so even though we give other people gifts, it’s because Jesus wants us to love everyone.”

            “Okay,” Mary said, “I think I understand.”

            “Good,” Dean said, kissing her on the cheek, “now go to bed, we have a lot to do tomorrow.”

            “Okay, Daddy,” Marry said, kissing him back. She hugged and kissed Cas with a “Night Papa,” and went upstairs to bed.

            Once Dean and Cas were convinced that she was in bed, Dean pulled out a small box from his pocket. “I want to give you your gift now,” he said, handing it to Cas. Cas’s eyes got wide as he took it and his jaw fell when he saw what was inside.

            “I want to marry you,” Dean said, “I’m sick of waiting.”

            Cas pulled Dean into a hug as tears fell down his face. “Yes, god yes,” he said, kissing Dean’s face.

            Dean took the ring back from Cas and slid it onto his finger.

            Dean was happier than he had ever been, he had a wonderful family, and despite the fact that the sex had been strictly vanilla since Mary came into their lives, he and Cas were still very much in love and there was nothing that could keep them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all she wrote folks. thanks for being with me through all of this, I love you all!  
> come talk to me at bullwinklewinchester.tumblr.com


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